The Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy
by Meir Brin
Summary: **Complete!** Welcome to HFA, a school for fanfiction writers of the Harry Potter designation. Yet who would have the courage to teach such a motley bunch? Why the Harry Potter characters themselves, of course! (A Miss Cam-authorized OFU)
1. A Different Kind of Owl Post

The Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or OFUM. I am making no money from this. The Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy is written with the permission of Camilla Sandman. All of Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. All of OFUM belongs to Miss Cam. The Lord of the Rings (when it appears) belongs to Tolkien. The Canon Accuracy device belongs to the PPC. The other stuff belongs to me. Tamper with my stuff and... well, I guarantee you'll regret it.  
  
Author's note: If you would like to enroll in HFA, please see the questionnaire which is contained within the fanfiction. Fill it out and email your responses to me and I'll see what I can do. (Additional note: People who take themselves too seriously will not have fun at HFA. A warning.)  
  
*********  
  
With a final click, the fic was posted. Ally settled into her chair and felt a smile creep over her face. This was going to be an excellent fanfic, she could feel the warm reviews pouring into fanfiction.net with praise for her work. After all, who wouldn't love a character who could dispatch a host of Death Eaters and save Harry Potter?  
  
Tap, tap, tap...  
  
Ally looked up and her eyes widened. An owl was tapping on her window pane, a scroll of parchment clasped in its beak. But, owls...? Harry Potter didn't really exist... did it?  
  
She got up to open the window, but the owl had become impatient. There was another tap, and the glass in her window exploded into tiny shards. *Oh, schist!* Ally took an involuntary step backward. The owl then threw its parchment, hitting her soundly on the head. The scroll was heavier than it looked.  
  
"Stupid owl..." Ally muttered, reaching for the roll of paper. She untied the ribbon and gaped as twenty meters of paperwork fell to her feet.  
  
Miss Ally White,  
  
We are pleased to inform you that you have been chosen as a student at Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy. Actually, you haven't been chosen, we've become aware of you. You are writing Bad Fic. Our goal at HFA is to guide you on your path to enlightenment through Good Fic.  
  
You are charged with writing Harry Potter Fanfiction without mercy. These poor characters, you have inflicted so much misery on them. To prevent further damages to the residents of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, we are now requesting that all potential authors earn a Hogwarts Fanfiction License. Licenses are good. Bad Fic is bad. Good is good. Bad is bad.  
  
Please fill out the enclosed form(s) so that we may make your stay at HFA an educational one by attending to your needs as a writer.  
  
Term begins at the bell.  
  
Meir Brin Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy Coordinator and Desk Assistant to Lord Elrond  
  
Ally's face was the model of confusion. But there was more,  
  
Name: Lineage: Muggle/ Wizard/ Other Wand measurements: Please specify one luxury item that you require at HFA:  
  
This was followed by a lengthy release form. Ally skimmed it. If she hadn't been so tired, she would have noticed the phrases "HFA is not responsible for my stupidity" and "Whatever I do is my fault. I won't sue because it's a product of my own lack of judgment".  
  
Several meters below that was the phrase: "Get to Know your Students".  
  
"Reasons why I write Harry Potter fanfiction?" Ally said. She pulled out a blue pen and scrawled the phrase "cuz I luv Harry!" There was more, and Ally's interest was peaked. She answered the four previous questions and kept reading, filling in her answers accordingly.  
  
I have: Read the books many times/ Seen the movie many times/ Read the books and seen the movie many, many times/ Seen the movie once  
  
I am: Very Familiar with Canon/ Slightly Familiar with Canon/ Reasonable with Canon/ Minimally Knowledgeable about Canon/ What is Canon?  
  
I have written slash: yes/no  
  
I have written a Mary Sue: yes/no  
  
I am in love with a Canon character: yes/no  
  
The object of my affection is: Harry Potter/ Ron Weasley/ Hermione Granger/ Draco Malfoy/ Sirius Black/ Remus Lupin/ Oliver Wood/ Lord Voldemort/ Fleur Delacour/ Other (please specify)  
  
I have a fear of: Four-X's and above Magical Creatures/ Lord Voldemort/ Spiders/ Lord Elrond/ Other (please specify)  
  
By the end of the the survey, Ally was feeling quite exhausted. She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes for a second. And a second was all it took to send her to sleep.  
  
What Ally did not hear was the distant chime of a school bell.  
  
*********  
  
"Yeeagh, this place is a mess!" Meir Brin looked at the scenario before her and grimaced. Death Eaters rushed past her, fleeing before a young witch magically suspended halfway above the ground. The young witch waved her wand and the Death Eaters were scattered in many directions.  
  
Meir Brin flipped open a modified version of the PPC's Canon Accuracy Device. She pointed it at the young witch. "NOT CANON" scrawled over the square of blackboard that was used as the device's monitor.  
  
"Original character." she muttered, closing the device and reaching for her own weapon. A good luck gift from her fellow workers at OFUM, the Switch of Character Banishment was going to come in handy.  
  
"Hey, you!" Meir Brin called, moving quickly toward the young witch. "I've got two days to make this school ready for the students. No original characters. Get out!" A hefty crack from the Switch and the original character was gone.  
  
Meir Brin glanced around at the rest of the school. There seemed to be an overabundance of unicorns congregating around Hagrid's hut, and dark clouds were clustering overhead. The Death Eaters that were now rid of the original character were slumped against the gate, recovering their breath. "Yep, Lots of work to do here." 


	2. Misspellings and Chopsticks

"...you really think we can to do this?" Harry Potter pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. "How many of them will be coming?"  
  
"Quite a few. But remember- if they all become better authors, there will be less Bad Fic written about you. So if you can teach them about life here, they'll be able to get it right in their stories." Meir Brin folded her hands over the Switch of Character Banishment. "Surely you don't like these stories that mutilate your personality?"  
  
Harry Potter shivered. "No, not at all."  
  
"Good. That's all we need to know."  
  
Meir Brin had returned to her paperwork several minutes after Harry had left, when there was a loud crack behind her. She spun, getting ready to banish another original character if need be, but upon seeing what it was she cracked a grin instead.  
  
"Elessor!" The mini-Balrog from her previous occupation cackled and went over to her desk. "How did you get here?" said Meir Brin, lapsing into Westron.  
  
"Time canon-crossover. Some-it did a crossover. Big hole." Elessor barked.  
  
Meir Brin made a mental note that there was a crossover character running loose somewhere.  
  
"Would you like to see your counterparts? They just arrived this morning." said Meir Brin to Elessor as they left the spare classroom that was serving as temporary HFA headquarters. They crossed the grounds, and in ten minutes had arrived at Hagrid's hut.  
  
Hagrid was outside, in a specially designed pen filled with what appeared to be black balls of fur. "'Ello!" He said cheerily, stroking one of the black creatures. "'Ese two jus'arrived, cute lil'thin's, aren't ey?"  
  
Meir Brin took the proffered black ball of fur from Hagrid. The creature jumped, and extended eight long hairy legs. The small acromantula crawled up her shoulder. "This is Lilly, correct?"  
  
Hagrid didn't reply. He had sat down in the pen and was blissfully stroking the fur balls. Meir Brin thought she heard him singing a lullaby under his breath. "'Ickle furry spiders, sleepin' in th'webs... Don't yeh worry, mommy's 'ere, mommy's 'ere..."  
  
"What do you call they?" Elessor said in his gravelly voice. Despite taking extensive speaking courses, neither his Westron nor his grammar were the greatest.  
  
"I believe Ron coined the term 'Mini-Aragogs'..."  
  
*********  
  
The Hogwarts Express had never been so crowded. Or so hysterical. Ally slapped herself very hard. No, she was definitely not dreaming.  
  
Her compartment door slid open, and two girls rushed in. One of them was giggling madly, and the other had her hands tucked firmly into her sleeves. "Can we sit here?" said the laughing girl.  
  
"Yeah, sure." Ally responded, moving over to create more room. "I'm Ally."  
  
The shorter girl giggled again. "I'm Redfire." The girl turned back to her companion. "I'm sure you can fix it somehow, I mean... Oooo what if you could get him to fix it? Oooo, that would be so great!" Redfire turned back to Ally quickly, causing her ponytail to whip around. "Guess who we just saw?!"  
  
Ally lifted her eyebrows in surprise. "Who?"  
  
"Tom Riddle! My god, we just saw him and he is sooo hot!"  
  
"Tom Riddle?! Does he really exist? Where did you see him?" Ally jumped to her feet and stuck her head out of the compartment. Redfire gasped and jumped up, grabbing the back of Ally's shirt quickly and pulling her back into the box.  
  
"Don't do that!" Said the other girl, slamming the compartment door closed. "I'm Vethil, and you don't want to go out there... They might see you!"  
  
"Why?" Ally massaged her neck where Redfire had grabbed her. "What's out there?"  
  
"The characters! Didn't you hear what happened up in box eight?" Vethil exclaimed, turning away from the compartment door and blushing slightly.  
  
Ally looked at her with confusion. Box eight? "No, I didn't, what happened?"  
  
"Vethil saw Tom Riddle up there, and kept following him around- and drooling everywhere! And then," Redfire leaned forward, as if about to impart a great secret, "He did this spell and she- she's been-"  
  
"Chopsticks! He gave me chopsticks hands!" Vethil moaned, drawing her arms out of her sleeves for the first time. "I can't even use chopsticks with my real hands, how am I going to live with this?"  
  
Ally could feel her eyes widen to the size of baseballs. There, where Vethil's hands ought have been where two pairs of ivory chopsticks. Vethil clicked them together and stuffed her "hands" back into her sleeves.  
  
"So," said Redfire, trying to draw away from the awkward pause, "Do you know how this thing is going to work?"  
  
Ally looked back at her, still dazed by the presense of Vethil's chopsticks. "What?...oh, no, I don't know. Do you?"  
  
Redfire didn't know either, but she happily launched into all the gossip she had heard from everyone on the train. Apparently, someone down in box fourteen called Murkury had gotten hold of Percy Weasley's wand, and had accidentally blown out part of her compartment, while a girl named Catrin Pritchard had been taken into custody by Lord Voldemort for not cringing and begging for mercy when he walked by. Still others, lead by Stephanie Brown and Bhuninven had endeavored to steal half of the food cart, and where now being threatened by a very ticked off Professor Snape.  
  
"And then he said: 'Foolish student, I dare you to defy the wrath of Lord Voldemort' and- What's that?" Redfire asked, as she took a quick break in her constant speech.  
  
Ally shifted in her seat. "I think the train's slowing down."  
  
Vethil stood up, and opened the compartment door slowly. "Do you think I could get someone to fix my hands now?"  
  
There was a soft chime, and a voice was heard magically throughout the train. "We have reached Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy. Please get off. You've done enough damage to my precious train, and I never-"  
  
There was the sound of scuffling, as if people were fighting for control of a microphone. "OLIVER I LOVE YOU!!! I LOVE YOU OLIVER WOOD!!!" More scuffling, and the first voice returned. "He's not here, damnit, now get away from me, yes, I swear I will, you'll have cauliflower growing out of your nose if you don't move... Ah, thank you Professor Moody... Where was I? Oh yes, GET OFF MY TRAIN!!" 


	3. An incident with Those Who Must Not Be N...

There was a loud sputtering, as in the sound made by a car right before it dies, then Ally, Redfire, and Vethil were all expelled from their compartment like peas from a pop gun. In fact, the students were not only removed from their compartments, they were removed from the train.  
  
At least that was the impression that the students got when they all landed in a heap outside of the Hogwarts Express.  
  
"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Who's got something pointy?!" Chibigreen exclaimed, trying to untangle herself from the group.  
  
Ally saw Vethil fold her arms together and smile apologetically.  
  
They appeared to be in Hogsmeade. From what Ally had seen in the movie, this certainly looked like the place where Hagrid had said good-bye to Harry. She dusted herself off and got up, unwittingly bumping into someone else. Ally looked at the ground. Black robes... wand... long fingers... "Eep."  
  
Lord Voldemort's eyes narrowed into menacing red slits. "Who dares to block the path of Lord Voldemort, heir of Slytherin?!"  
  
"Meep." Ally trembled. She could feel her fingers curling into Chinese eating utensils.  
  
Lord Voldemort gave an evil laugh that would have been quite cliché had he indeed been intending to harm Ally. Instead, the Dark Lord grinned, displaying nice, sharp, pointy teeth. "You're afraid of me! As it should be! I have had seven 'students'," he sneered the word, "come to me on this cursed train and demand that I 'leave Harry alone', what ignorant fools! They cannot change the will of Lord Voldemort! None shall speak my name on- "  
  
"Oh there you are! Threaten them later! Brin wants them up at the castle now!" A tall handsome teenager was striding towards them, and Ally noted that he had too had a wand.  
  
"But Tom..." Voldemort whined in an angst-ridden voice, "I'm just getting started..."  
  
Tom Riddle wrinkled his nose in disgust. "If I had known I would grow up to be you, I would never... Never have..."  
  
"Grown up? Hah! Foolish boy, you may be me in the past, but you will never equal my power! I do what I please! I am Lord Voldemort!"  
  
"I am, too!" Riddle shouted, drawing his wand. "And you can't make me do anything! You old people are so restrictive!"  
  
"I am your better! I have more experience! The world cringes when I set foot on it..." Voldemort hissed. "Oh I like that! Let me write it down!" The Dark Lord reached for a small black book that Riddle was holding.  
  
Tom pulled his book away quickly as his elder self reached for it. "NO ONE WRITES IN MY DIARY!!" he screeched. "NO ONE BUT ME! GET YOUR OWN DIARY!!"  
  
Ally edged away from the two nervously, wanting to escape without being hexed. Redfire had also noticed her predicament, yet had stayed a few meters back. Now Redfire quickly grabbed her and dragged Ally back into the group. Ally didn't mind her friend not coming to her rescue. She couldn't honestly blame Redfire for not wanting to be in the clutches of Lord Voldemort or Tom Riddle.  
  
The students were then herded into small boats, perhaps the very same that had been used by Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Ally was thrown into a boat with three other girls. One of them she recognized as Catrin, whom Redfire had told her about. The girl was rather hard to miss, being the only student to have flaming turquoise hair. Apparently, turquoise was Lord Voldemort's favorite color.  
  
The fleet of ships sped silently across the lake. Ally barely had time to look around before the ships had docked under the castle. The sun was on the verge of setting, throwing red and yellow light onto the castle walls. As soon as the party of fanfiction writers set foot on land, they were met by none other than Percy Weasley, who seemed to be trying to stifle his enjoyment at being placed in charge of something.  
  
Percy led them up to the front door of the castle, which he then rapped upon with the butt of his wand. There was the sound of hurried footsteps, and then the door opened.  
  
*********  
  
Meir Brin woke up in the early afternoon to the keening wail of the Canon Accuracy device. She sighed and got dressed, thinking that at least the device made a good alarm clock.  
  
She was up not a moment too soon, for that instant there was a loud rap at her door and then it burst into splinters. If there was one thing Meir Brin had learned in the past two days it was that the Canon characters had little patience with doors.  
  
"What do you want from me?!" she groaned, pulling on her boots.  
  
It was the senior Barty Crouch, mustache and all. "The students are coming. God help us."  
  
"Of course they're coming, this is a school, not an office." Meir Brin grabbed her Switch and followed the character out into the main part of the school. "How's the Practical Wizardry syllabus coming? Last I heard, Minerva was threatening to gut Trelawney for not complying with Hogwarts curriculum."  
  
"They have been... separated." Crouch said, turning a sharp corner and pulling aside a tapestry with foxgloves stitched on it. "In here."  
  
"What's this?" Meir Brin said, as they were faced with a blank stone wall.  
  
"Password is 'May I ask to whom I am speaking?'" Crouch stated, and the wall melted away at his words. "We're fortifying this wing with Anti- fangirl charms and Luster-repellent. I suppose we can all live here until the menace is passed."  
  
"Staff section, eh?" Meir Brin questioned, taking in the vaulted ceiling and large windows with approving eyes. "I'd say it's perfect. But what's with the password?"  
  
Crouch stiffened and furrowed his brow. "They're fangirls. They don't know proper grammar."  
  
"Barty! Barty!" Ludo Bagman strolled over to Crouch and Meir Brin jauntily, his face lit up with a wide grin. "You know, I was just talking to Gilderoy here, and we've had a most excellent discovery!" Ludo looked around wildly. "Gilderoy! Gilderoy! Oh, he was just here a moment ago! Gilderoy!"  
  
"Right here, Ludo!" Gilderoy Lockhart bounced over to the group wearing robes of a taffy-colored sort of pink. "Have you told them yet?"  
  
"No, I thought you wanted to break the news, didn't you?" It seemed that if Ludo smiled anymore, his mouth would overwhelm the rest of his face.  
  
"Why thank you, Ludo! If I may take it upon myself to say, that was a smart move on your part, I am, naturally, the best one to break such a beautiful announcement, such-"  
  
"Shut up, Lockhart!" Ron Weasley yelled from his room.  
  
"Well if you don't want to know that Ludo and I have subdued a most extraordinary sort of girl that suddenly appeared in the fourth floor hallway on the east side in room 432, I won't tell you!" Gilderoy said in a huff.  
  
Meir Brin smiled grimly. "Room 432?"  
  
"Yes'm!" Ludo said, drawing up a mock salute.  
  
"Then send someone up later to collect a very lovely statue from room 432," Meir Brin replied. "Tom Riddle's keeping his basilisk in there." 


	4. Two Rules and Why Glomping is Not a Good...

"I'd have to say it's quite lovely, really. A tribute to Original Characters..." Albus Dumbledore circled the statue once again, noting the look of panic on the original character's face. An encounter with Ludo and Gilderoy, then the Basilisk...  
  
"Methinks we ought to put it on display. Perhaps with a placard, or an engraving of some sort." Meir Brin replied, "'Homage to Mary Sue', maybe?"  
  
"In the Entrance Hall?" said Dumbledore.  
  
"Yes. Should give the students a fright, don't you think?" Meir Brin chuckled, taking hold of statue's base. A fanfiction where the main character has the misfortune to run into the two perkiest people in all of Potterverse, then Riddle's basilisk... Meir Brin would love to read a fic about that one.  
  
"Ah, Meir Brin?" Dumbledore questioned, "What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm going to carry it downstairs. Really, it can't be much heavier than Elrond's great Naturally Nine neon sign."  
  
Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "In our fandom, we often find magic to be more convenient. Wingardium Leviosa."  
  
The life-sized statue began to hover a few feet above the ground. "Oh. Right." said Meir Brin. It was no the first time she had forgotten about the abundant magic at Hogwarts. Life had been more... manual... at OFUM.  
  
And it was certainly not the first time that Meir Brin had Messed Up Big. A few hours ago a Mini-Aragog called Lockheart had shown up on the premises. Resigned to the mistake, Meir Brin had adopted the three-foot tall spider and was now resolved to be more careful on where she checked for correct spellings. Lockheart was now following her everywhere, and seemed to have developed a taste for bouillabaisse and rats, much to the discomfort of Peter Pettigrew.  
  
Albus Dumbledore and Meir Brin reached the entrance hall with little or no mishap (Peeves had been hiding for the past two days, rumor had it that he was planning a warm welcome for the fanwriters), and placed the statue in a little alcove near the main door.  
  
"A Tribute to Mary-Sue: Homage to the Original Character," said Dumbledore as he magically engraved the words in the statue's base.  
  
The Petrified Original character stared at them with her mouth agape. Meir Brin smiled and flicked some dust off of the basilisk's hunting trophy.  
  
Then there was a sharp rap on the front door.  
  
*********  
  
Ally had been expecting a Canon character to answer the door. Perhaps it would have been McGonagall, like in the books, or maybe even Lucius Malfoy. But she certainly hadn't expected the person who stood in the entrance.  
  
"Welcome to Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy, fanwriters. I'm Meir Brin, your HFA coordinator." She was tall, and was carrying what appeared to be a riding crop. "I assume you've all received your letters, and have read the disclaimer?"  
  
Ally grabbed the person next to her frantically, who happened to be Mirild Sket. "What disclaimer?"  
  
Mirild shrugged. "I guess the one that said 'All Injuries are Self- Injuries' at the top."  
  
Meir Brin was fumbling in one of the pockets of her vest for something. Then she pulled out a piece of paper that had been folded into triangles. "Ah, here we go. We only have two rules so far, but I assure you they will increase if you misbehave. Let's see...  
  
"Number One: Thou shalt not Glomp the Canon Characters. "Number Two: Thou shalt report any Original Characters that are seen Lurking about.  
  
"Is everyone clear on that?"  
  
"Yes..." was the less than enthusiastic reply. Stephanie Brown was especially looking downcast. She had been looking forward to giving a certain werewolf a good glomp.  
  
"Good. Come with me. We're going to Sort you now."  
  
They followed Meir Brin into the Great Hall, all whispering excitedly about the prospect of being Sorted. Redfire was chattering excitedly about being placed in Slytherin with Draco, and Vethil had begun to worry about how she would put on a hat with her hands as they were.  
  
The Great Hall had been noticeably changed from what Ally had seen in the movie. For one, the room seemed to have been magically expanded so that it was now twice as big. The Canon character students where seated at there own tables, while four new ones had been placed in the center. Ally looked around anxiously. Could that be him, or that one? No, no... There! Harry Potter!  
  
Ally stopped walking. Her knees were weakening. Then they were carrying her forward before she knew what was going on. Four muffled syllables escaped her lips. "...Har...ry... Pott...err..." She was nearing the Gryffindor table, she could see his face, she was running at full speed, she dived...  
  
WHAM!!  
  
Something big, black, and furry slammed into Ally, knocking her to the ground. She was snapped out of her trance, and saw eight big eyes glaring at her angrily.  
  
There was a smattering of applause throughout the hall, mostly from Hagrid at the staff table. "Good boy Sirus!" the half-giant boomed.  
  
Ally got up dazedly and stumbled back to the group. She had thought she had more self-control than that. "Ouch..."  
  
Meir Brin was smiling delightedly. "Tsk, tsk. Didn't I indicate that? No glomping or the Mini-Aragogs will glomp you? I must have forgotten. I apologize."  
  
Ally got the distinct impression that Meir Brin had left that little note out on purpose.  
  
"On with the Sorting," Meir Brin said as Professor McGonagall deposited the tattered hat on a stool before them. "Pay attention, fanwriters."  
  
The Sorting Hat, if it had had a true face, would have looked quite smug. It opened its mouth-rip, and began to sing:  
  
"Our fandom growing darker, your fictions screwing with our mind, we come together finally, to you Canon we will bind. My function changed to flattery, I won't sing your praises, nay, but four new Houses I here create, you'll join them now today. I may place you in Wantingmor, for those who live and breathe this school, this house for those of you who wish, this place in your world were real. Yet some of you in Lusterbuff will really find your niche, this house for fangirls slobbering at Wood's and Remus' feet. Though perhaps today you'll find, that Canonlaw's for you, this house made to accommodate those who violate The Rules. Or maybe you'll join Slashering, a quickly growing section of fanfic, though indeed if I may be candid, Draco/Harry makes me sick. So scoot up here and put me on, come take a chance with me... The Sorting Hat's ne'r failed, you know, To find where you ought to be."  
  
The fanwriters looked stunned. No Gryffindor? No Slytherin? Lusterbuff?!  
  
There was a wail from among the group. The Canon characters and the fanwriters all turned to look at Onyx. She looked as if her birthday had been canceled. "But I want to be in-" She wailed, but was interrupted by a loud-  
  
"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!" roared Mad-Eye Moody at the Staff table. "NO YELLING!!"  
  
"Ehem..." coughed Meir Brin. She glanced at Moody, who was being dragged back into his seat by Professor Sprout and Cornelius Fudge. "Shall we begin?" 


	5. The Sorting Ceremony and Why Punctuation...

"Brown, Stephanie." Meir Brin called, reading off a list with several hundred names on it.  
  
The fanwriter bounded over to the stool and placed the Sorting Hat on her head. After two seconds, the hat proclaimed "LUSTERBUFF!" and Stephanie was ushered over to a table with a light yellow rabbit banner over it.  
  
Ten minutes later, Meir Brin looked to be getting bored. Ally fidgeted, and cursed the fact that her surname began with a "W".  
  
After Chibigreen was Sorted into Slashering, something unusual occurred. Ally felt the air around her grow heavy. Suddenly, a rock fell out of the sky and struck her squarely on the forehead.  
  
"What was that?" Ally cried, rubbing a bump that was quickly growing on her head.  
  
Meir Brin looked up from her list just as two more rocks landed on Redfire and Onyx.  
  
"Ouch! This one's got points!" Catrin exclaimed as a rock shaped like a bird's head hit her shoulder.  
  
A pair of the bird's head shaped stones landed on the floor and rolled over to Professor Snape's feet. He picked the rocks up skeptically and examined them. Ally saw him run a hand back through his greasy hair before the Potions master muttered "Punctuation marks" and handed the stones over to Albus Dumbledore.  
  
The Headmaster of Hogwarts rose from his seat and waved his wand, conjuring up many large umbrellas that hovered about four feet above all the people (characters and fanwriters) in the room, creating a canopy. "It seems that someone in your world," he said, indicating the fanwriters, "has decided to ignore the laws of proper punctuation."  
  
"Ow, then what are these things?" said Mirild, gingerly touching a lump on her head. She held up one of the stones shaped like a bird's head.  
  
"That, my dear, is a comma," replied Dumbledore before taking his seat.  
  
Meir Brin continued calling out names in a louder voice than before, since she now had to be heard over the hail of punctuation marks. "Natos, Rex," she yelled.  
  
A rather peculiar looking boy broke from the ranks of fanwriters and placed the Sorting Hat on his head. The boy had bright yellow hair that looked as if he had stuck his finger in an electric socket. Redfire, next to Ally, elbowed her and whispered "Someone told me he's a Spaz on the train."  
  
"A Spaz?" Ally whispered as Rex Natos was made a Wantingmor.  
  
Redfire shrugged and they turned their attention back to the Sorting. Onyx was placed in Canonlaw, and Catrin went to Wantingmor. After twenty more students were Sorted it was Redfire's turn. The red-haired girl put on the hat eagerly and after several minutes of deliberation, the Sorting hat proclaimed her a "CANONLAW!"  
  
Ally looked around idly. Why couldn't they go alphabetical by first names? She turned her attention to the staff table as Mirild Sket was placed in Lusterbuff.  
  
All of the Canon adults were there. Mr. Ollivander sat side by side with Bertha Jorkins, Quirrell bumped elbows with Mad-Eye Moody. They were all there...  
  
Ally missed Vethil being Sorted into Lusterbuff. She was halfway into a good stupefied trance when Meir Brin called "White, Ally".  
  
Ally snapped out of her reverie. It was rather hard, considering she had just located Sirius Black. He was eye-candy for the weary, for sure.  
  
Ally tottered over to the stool. She was somewhat stiff from standing so long, and her back ached where Sirus had tackled her. Ally picked up the Sorting Hat and settled it over her eyes.  
  
"Well you're a nice little mess, don't you think?" said the Sorting Hat. "Read the books? Once. Well, that's quite lovely. No wonder you can't write to save yourself. Now why bother to write fanfiction? You've hardly even visited our world once in literature, now you're going to go messing with us in our fandom? You're helpless! I think I'll make you a CANONLAW!"  
  
Feeling stunned and hurt, Ally took off the hat and walked over to the second table from the right, which was decorated with a light blue banner with a pigeon on it. She took her seat next to Redfire, who patted her on the head lightly.  
  
"Abusive, isn't it?" said Onyx. "I told it I had read the books and seen the movie, and it still dumped me here! Of course telling it that it could use a trip to the dry cleaners' probably wasn't a good idea..."  
  
The Sorting had finished. Meir Brin grabbed that Sorting Hat and exited the hall ("Put me down! That's my eye! I can't see! Mmmphff!" and "Oh, sorry how's that? ... Like this? ... Oh jeez...") as Dumbledore stood to address the crowd.  
  
"Welcome to Hogwarts Fanfiction University, everyone. I'm sure you've all been briefed as to the procedures around here, so I won't bore you with the details once again. Now all that is left is for us to enjoy the feast!"  
  
Food magically appeared on the plates, and Ally realized that the movie hadn't done the Hogwarts cuisine full justice. Roast turkey seemed to be the main course, but there were also cooked vegetables and meat broths that helped to alleviate Ally's aches. She ate her fill and chattered away with those at her table. The fanwriters at Lusterbuff turned around at one point and joined in the conversation, which was quickly escalating into a full-blown argument.  
  
"Draco is sooo the coolest!" Redfire cried, gazing toward the Slytherin table.  
  
"What about Snape?" Murkury argued.  
  
"I tell you, no one is hotter than Ron!" Bhuninven yelled, slamming her foot down.  
  
"Except for Remus!" Stephanie yelled.  
  
Silence. Everyone turned to look at the staff table. Remus... The fangirls sighed. Remus...  
  
The Canon characters had begun to trickle out of the Hall. The first of the fanwriters were beginning to get up when the thought hit them. Where were their common rooms?  
  
*********  
  
Meir Brin fell onto her bed without bothering to remove her boots. Seven hundred and forty-four names... She supposed it wouldn't have been so bad if they had been nice, normal-sounding, easy-to-pronounce names, but no, they had to be (Argh!) fan-names. How on Earth or Middle-Earth was she supposed to know that Bhuninven had stress on the central "i" and not on the "u"?  
  
At least they were all Sorted. That was a relief. She now understood why McGonagall had insisted that she read the Sorting List. Sneaky Animagi...  
  
A loud noise from across the room caused Meir Brin to jump to her feet and fall over once again. The Canon Accuracy device had gone off.  
  
Meir Brin had a sudden urge to find a nice, hard, brick wall to bang her head against. 


	6. Three Random Incidents during Between Ti...

Meir Brin picked up the Canon Accuracy device and flipped the screen open irritably. "This better be good...," she grumbled.  
  
"What good be?" came Elessor's bark out of the darkness. He had begun excavations of his own Mini-Abyss in the corner of her room, and Meir Brin had been loathe to disturb him. Of all the things one can rely on in the world, greed and Mini-Balrog dirt frenzy are the most consistent.  
  
"Ah... We have an Original character, no, sorry; it's a Mary Sue... In the Astronomy Tower."  
  
"Your problem," Elessor chortled, tossing a bit more dirt onto Meir Brin's quilt.  
  
Meir Brin muttered curses at him while relocating the Switch of Character Banishment. She stalked out into the hallway, ignoring Elessor's gravelly laughter.  
  
*********  
  
Ally mumbled and rolled over. "... three more seconds..."  
  
"I suggest you all get up if you want to find your Common room. Or if you want the Mini-Aragogs *not* to find you." said a brisk voice, cutting into Ally's dream.  
  
Ally sat bolt upright. Around her, many people did the same.  
  
Professor Minerva McGonagall stamped her foot down angrily. "Do you *want* the Mini-Aragogs to find you?"  
  
Now everyone was up. McGonagall illuminated her wand, sending a shaft of light down on the students. "That's better. Wantingmors, go with Miss Katie Bell, Mr. Macmillan will take the Lusterbuffs, Miss Chang, please escort the Canonlaws, and Slasherings... Slasherings come with me."  
  
Ally said goodbye to Vethil as the chopstick-handed girl headed off with the Lusterbuffs. Ally and Redfire then gathered with the rest of Canonlaw around Cho Chang.  
  
"Follow me," said Chang, illuminating her own wand.  
  
Following Cho Chang was much harder than it looked. The Canonlaws had difficulties keeping up with her as she flitted in and out of the corridors, behind tapestries, and once through what appeared to be a solid wall.  
  
At one point, Ally could have sworn that she heard a strangled yell, followed by a loud cracking noise.  
  
At last the Canonlaws seemed to have reached their destination. Cho Chang stopped and turned to face them. "This is the usual Ravenclaw Common room. Since we've all relocated, however, you will be staying here. The password is 'Firenze is a centaur'."  
  
Ally grumbled. She doubted that her memory could hold a phrase like that. Who was Firenze anyway?  
  
The Canonlaws, now minimally awake, picked out a patch of floor in the Common room and went to sleep. They would find their bedrooms in the morning, hopefully. After so hectic a day, Ally was loathe to do anything that didn't involve a pillow and a whole lot of Z's.  
  
When Ally woke up the following morning, she was immediately aware of two things. One, she had an immense crick in her neck, and two, something was stuck to her forehead. She snatched away the paper, looking for someone to yell at. Ally was not a morning person.  
  
After locating what appeared to be her room (The sign on the door that listed names had included one "Ally White"), she got dressed and became aware of how hungry she was. Redfire was in the same room, so the two decided to go search for the Great Hall- and breakfast.  
  
"I had this wonderful dream last night! Draco was in it! I love Draco! Draco-" Redfire chattered, and Ally was forced to wonder if this person could ever stop talking. Or being cheerful, for that matter.  
  
As soon as Ally and Redfire stepped out of the room, however, she became aware of a rumbling sound. Fearing another punctuation downpour, the two Canonlaws stepped under an overhang in the wall.  
  
But it was not a punctuation downpour.  
  
It was not even a grammatical shower.  
  
It was Argus Filch. And a herd of Mini-Aragogs.  
  
"Search them out! Find them all! Students! Attack them! Gah! Glompers be gone! Mini-Aragogs smell your fear! Take them to the headquarters! STUDENTS!!" Filch roared. The expression on his face was one of pure delight.  
  
Ally and Redfire quickly ducked back into their Common room.  
  
Filch hadn't seen them. He glanced around, then scratched his chin confusedly. "No students here? I could've sworn..." He paused. "No matter! On to SLASHERING!!"  
  
"To Slashering!" echoed the Mini-Aragogs in whispery squeals.  
  
The swarm of spiders moved on, and Ally distinctly heard the sound of a hunting horn in the distance.  
  
"Maybe we ought to... wait a bit..." said Redfire. Her face had gone completely white. For once she seemed to be actually out of words.  
  
"Yeah. Maybe... Yeah." Ally whispered.  
  
Half an hour later the whole House was up, and Ally and Redfire could safely make it downstairs in the group with the promise of safety in numbers. Argus Filch was one thing. But give Argus Filch fifty able- bodied Mini-Aragogs with an appetite... That by itself was one good reason not to stay out after dark.  
  
Breakfast was good. Ally enjoyed a bowl of cereal and some toast before she came across a large tureen that was set in the middle of their table.  
  
"What is it?" asked Onyx as Ally cautiously lifted the lid up.  
  
"What is it?" seemed to be a good phrase to describe what was in the tureen. It was goopy, rather pinkish in color, and had a distinctive odor of sugar and cabbage. A passing Canon character caught a whiff of the scent, and gagged.  
  
Ally stuck her fork into the mess, and pulled out a glob. "It looks like taffy," she said.  
  
"Eet iz Tontaflaf."  
  
Ally turned around, and saw Fleur Delacour standing behind her. "Did you... make it?"  
  
The French girl laughed. "Non, non. You 'ave made eet!"  
  
"Tantaflaf?" Bhuninven had turned around from her seat at the Lusterbuff table. "I once wrote a fic... Tantaflaf was a spell I made up..."  
  
"Zen you 'ave created eet! Deed you really think zat 'Tontaflaf' was a h'real spell? Of course not! Eet 'as become zis food substance. Now, bon apetit!" Fleur walked back to her seat at the Ravenclaw table, laughing her head off.  
  
Ally looked at the sticky pink substance glumly. But it wasn't the disgusting food that occupied her mind. She was very worried.  
  
What would happen when the Canon characters found out about her own "Habadaba Queenia" and "Preetypansy Polkadotses" spells? 


	7. The Fellowship of the Peeves and the Aft...

Author's Note: I would like to take the time now to thank all of you that have reviewed so far, and to clarify a couple of points. First of all, enrollment will be open to everyone for the whole duration of this fanfiction. I could still use some more students, so don't hesitate. ^_^  
  
Secondly, I'm going to ask all of you to help me on a search for two things. One, Mini-Aragogs. If you see any misspelled character names in a real fanfiction, kindly report them in a review. As you have read in the previous chapter, "Tantaflaf" is a spell name used in a fanfiction. If you come across any of these, I'd love to hear about them. The only kinds I won't use are those derived from Latin. They actually make sense. However, nonsense words will be readily incorporated.  
  
Thank you for your time, now on with the fanfiction...  
  
*********  
  
Ally dashed through the corridors. Why, oh why didn't she remember where the Common room was? According to Madame Maxime, all of their books for their first classes were in their rooms, along with wands for those who had specified that they needed one. The Common room... Where was the Common room?  
  
Ally turned a corner suddenly, and ran smack into Peeves. No, not the time for this! she thought, trying to dart around him.  
  
And though anyone who has ever read Harry Potter can tell you that Peeves doesn't like to be run into, or ignored, for that matter, Ally did not have the benefit of heeding such advice. Which becomes a problem if you know anything about the nature of Peeves.  
  
"Ooooo! Ickle fanny fiction writers! What brings ickle writer up here? Could it be... this?"  
  
"No, I'm-" she did a double take. "Where did you get that?!" She made a swipe for her lingerie.  
  
Peeves floated higher and pulled her bra out of reach. "Ickle writer bumps into Peeves!"  
  
"Ewww!" Ally shrieked, backing away. "Give that back!"  
  
Peeves eyes glittered mischievously. "Come and get it! Come and get it!" he called as he floated higher towards the ceiling.  
  
A horrible thought had come to Ally's mind. What if Harry Potter came along? She couldn't take that chance, now could she? Summoning all of her fangirl strength, Ally took a mighty jump and reached out to grab her undergarment.  
  
She missed.  
  
The last thing Ally remembered was Peeves grabbing her arm wickedly and tossing her high in the air, flowed by a lengthy plummet of three floors over a nearby stairwell.  
  
*********  
  
Meir Brin was in a truly sour mood. Of course, anyone would be in a sour mood if they had been trying to dispatch an Original Character and had been bitten by the monster in an Animagus lion form and then been tossed down the Astronomy Tower's six flights of stairs. That was sort of a given.  
  
Even though, by the good graces of Madam Pomfrey, Meir Brin's arm had been completely reattached, the HFA coordinator was still quite annoyed. She was not expecting to see one of the fanwriters lying in a heap under the main stairwell with, of all things, a bra tied over her face. Which was then marked with the words "The Fellowship of the Peeves Strikes Again!"  
  
"I might just leave this one for the Mini-Aragogs to find." Meir Brin muttered to herself. "But on the first day?" she argued. "I could deprive the Canon characters from some problematic student," said the first voice. "I could provide the Canon characters with some fun," she said again. Nope, sorry to disappoint the students. Meir Brin did not have schizophrenia. Meir Brin only acted like she did.  
  
Sighing, she took a whistle from her pocket and gave three blasts. It was a Mini-Aragog whistle, meant to call the creatures forth on a sound frequency that only they could hear. It utilized the same pitch as a dog whistle, actually, which was something that Meir Brin had found out only when Sirius Black had voiced concerns about hearing loud tones at night that no one else noticed.  
  
McGonigal and Trewlaney were the first to arrive. It was rather interesting that the two Mini-Aragogs worked well together, considering the fact that their Canon character counterparts would love to see each other hanged.  
  
"Take this to Madam Pomfrey. Be as rough as you like." said Meir Brin as the two spiders spun a glossy web over the student.  
  
Meir Brin watched fondly as the Mini-Aragogs drug the fanwriter up a flight of stairs. Go visit some of the classes, or go see the fate of the student. Tough decision. What class was going on now anyway? Oh yes, of course. Fun with Puns. "Ehemmm... I'll go see how the students are faring in the hospital wing..."  
  
Meir Brin had good reasons for not wishing to disturb Fun with Puns (101, if you must know). It had taken her several hours to persuade Severus Snape to even teach a class ("I get enough of whining brats in my Potions class. Why would I want to teach more students?" followed by a chair being flung at Meir Brin), let alone get him to consider teaching "Humor Me: Fun with Puns 101!!!" ("Why are there exclamation points at the end of this course? None of the other courses have exclamation points. I do not want to teach a class with three exclamation points."), which eventually lead to the course being called "Fun with Puns. Period. 101".  
  
Meir Brin smiled. The ultimatum of being the House Elf Recording Artist Association's publicity agent had certainly done its trick in the case of Severus Snape. Though now she still needed to find a HERAA publicist. Perhaps Hermione would consider taking the job...  
  
The hospital wing was nearly full. Most of the students there were from Slashering, who had been ambushed by Filch and his "Revenge for Not Including Me In Your Fanfiction" army of Mini-Aragogs. Chibigreen seemed to have been concussed, and had entered into a state of delirium. She had latched onto Weasly the Mini-Aragog during the fray, and was still clutching him in a secure head- (body?) lock. Weasly did not appear too thrilled.  
  
Meir Brin walked to the back of the room, which was surrounded by barbed wire as it was reserved for the Canon characters. The only person there was Remus Lupin, who appeared to be having some sort of fit of mental insanity, and was hyperventilating. Madam Pomfrey seemed to have redecorated his cubicle in soft colors and was playing soothing music from a magical radio.  
  
"What happened to him?" asked Meir Brin, pointing at Remus with the Switch of Character Banishment.  
  
"NOOOO!!! Getting me! Closing in! Can't BREATHE! Can't SEE! TOO MANY!! Get away! All of you! Aaagharrahhhaaaggiiiiiaaahhhhhhhh!" yelled Remus from his cot, thrashing his arms at an imaginary enemy.  
  
Madam Pomfrey ushered Meir Brin over to the side as Remus began to gnaw on his pillow. "He accidentally walked in front of a group of Lusterbuffs. They were just coming back from breakfast, and they all saw him... You know what fangirls are like..."  
  
Meir Brin cringed. Poor, poor Remus.  
  
Her eyes narrowed into slits. "Glomping bad. Lusterbuff bad," Meir Brin growled through clenched teeth. "Lusterbuff pay..." 


	8. The MiniAragog Paintball Association

"All students of fanfiction please report to the Quidditch pitch at this time. If you think you can skip out on this 'demonstration', by all means, don't attend. I wouldn't want to deprive the M-Squad of their fun." Chuckling gleefully, Meir Brin put the magical megaphone back in its place and shouldered a haversack full of Tantaflaf.  
  
Oh yes, this was going to be good...  
  
*********  
  
Ouch. Someone was roughly shaking Ally awake. The fanwriter grumbled and sat up, noticing that she had a monumental bruise on her forehead.  
  
"What-?"  
  
"Come on, we have to leave! Didn't you hear what Brin said? The M-Squad!"  
  
"M-Squad?"  
  
"I don't know! I don't want to find out either!"  
  
Ally's vision finally came into focus. "Molly W?"  
  
"Yeah. Come on!" Molly W grabbed Ally by her shirt collar and dragged her into the hallway. "We've got to get to the Quidditch pitch."  
  
They joined the throng of students moving toward the front lawn. Ally winced as she bumped down the stairs. (Molly W was still dragging her.) The feeling was oddly familiar... "Peeves!"  
  
"Where?!" cried Penelope Ross, ducking behind Molly W and Ally and holding up a rolled newspaper. Ally had heard just that morning that Penelope's toaster had been carried off by several Mini-Aragogs, who were now using it as a curling iron for their long shaggy black hair. Apparently, Peeves had abetted the incident, and then had proceeded to tape fliers for "Coifs for Crawlies" all over Penelope's book bag.  
  
"Uh... never mind." said Ally, who had become quite unsettled by the odd qualities possessed by many of her fellow students. She managed to get shakily to her feet as Molly W approached the Entrance Hall stairs. There were too many jolts on that staircase for her liking.  
  
The Quidditch pitch was packed to full capacity. Ally located Redfire and Riona in a corner of the stands. Redfire was nursing a huge green welt on her forearm, and started to wail just as Ally took her seat.  
  
"It's never gonna go awaaaaaaaaaayyyyy..." Redfire moaned, poking at the boil.  
  
"What happened?" asked Ally.  
  
Riona looked up and grimaced. "She -ah- made a pun. In Fun With Puns. Redfire was telling Mirild Sket this joke-"  
  
"It was really funny too! Where does Professor Snape do his shopping?"  
  
"Uh-"  
  
"At Sev's-R-Us! Isn't it funny! See, Ally's laughing! I told you it was funny!"  
  
Redfire seemed to have mistaken Ally's gagging noises and face-fault as a bout of uncontrollable laughter. In actuality, Ally could see the reason why Professor Snape had been so inclined to hurt her.  
  
Then Dimond Giesbrecht came up behind them and took a seat. Dimond Giesbrecht had not properly specified on her enrollment form what her name was, and was now being called by both. Ally had been calling her Dimond, mostly she wasn't quite sure of the proper pronunciation of her other name. "Do you know what's going on?" the fanwriter asked.  
  
"No." said Riona, pulling Redfire's sleeve down over the boil. "It'll be gone before you know it. Remember? Vethil's hands are now completely normal, it'll wear off."  
  
"Bloody Hell! Where did that come from?!" said Dimond Giesbrecht, who had just noticed Redfire's welt.  
  
This provoked another wail from the afflicted fangirl. "But what if it never goes awaaaaaa-"  
  
"Attention Ladies, Gentlemen, and fanwriters!" The students were suddenly jerked to attention as Lee Jordan's voice boomed across the field. "Welcome to the First Weekly Mini-Aragog Paint-Ball Association Competition! We apologize for such short notice, but because of certain circumstances the match has been pushed forward to this time! And now, a quick word from Meir Brin..."  
  
"Okay, fanwriters," came the growling voice of Meir Brin. "Apparently, there was a little Incident this morning concerning one Remus Lupin and a certain House. IT SEEMS THAT SOME OF YOU ARE HAVING A HARD TIME REMEMBERING THE RULES AROUND HERE. Can any of you figure out which House is missing from this little sortie?"  
  
"I'm a Wantingmor," said Dimond Giesbrecht, looking perplexed. "You two are Canonlaws..."  
  
"And I'm in Slashering," finished Riona.  
  
They all gulped. Lusterbuff.  
  
Meir Brin seemed to have noticed the uneasy glances. She continued. "It is therefore my great PLEASURE to direct your attention to the SIDELINES which have been equipped with Luster-Buffers."  
  
Heads snapped downward. Sure enough, tied to the sidelines were the Lusterbuffs. They had been magicked into a human chain, and were forming a tidy ring around the entire pitch.  
  
"Enjoy the match..." commented Meir Brin. Then Lee Jordan had control of the stadium once again.  
  
"Playing today is the Voldemort squad! Voldermort, Volemort, Voldemord, and Vuldimort! Verses... The McGonagall squad! Mcgonagall, McGonigal, McGonagal, and McGonnogal!"  
  
"Oh no..." moaned Ally, as eight muscular Mini-Aragogs dropped onto the field. The Voldemort squad had dyed their fur a nice shade of green, while the McGonagalls had turned their fur red. Small cannons (not to be confused with 'Canon') were strapped to all of the spiders' backs. In addition, two Mini-Balrogs were airborne, circling the field as well. One was probably Elessor, and the other was...  
  
"Leoglas!" Riona stood up in her seat and watched as her Mini-Balrog pulled on a black and white pinny in midair.  
  
"That's yours?" said Dimond Giesbrecht, looking amused. "It looks like they're playing referee..."  
  
"I was wondering where he had gotten too! Leoglas!" called Riona, waving furiously. The Mini-Balrog turned and barked in her direction, then winked and sped off over the pitch.  
  
The match had begun. Great globs of Tantaflaf went zooming from the Mini- Aragog cannons. The spiders were none too accurate, often missing and hitting the Luster-Buffers. The Canon crowd seemed to cheer especially loud when this occurred.  
  
The Mini-Aragogs took several hits from each other as well. Lord Voldemort was on his sideline, egging on his name-mistakes, and jumping up and down excitedly whenever a point was awarded to his side. Leoglas awarded a penalty once (for grabbing pincers), but Elessor seemed to just like diving onto the field and forcing the Mini-Aragogs to jump to the side, often making them smash into the Luster-Buffers. Ally thought that perhaps Meir Brin had asked her Mini-Balrog to do just that.  
  
The match lasted for quite some time. The McGonagall squad took a quick lead when McGonigal and McGonnogal combined forces to pin Vuldimort to the Luster-Buffer (The Shroom didn't look to happy over this one), giving Mcgonagall a chance to use her cannon and nail him. Then the Voldemort side retaliated, somewhat sneakily, by jumping on top of the Luster-Buffer (Again, Stephanie Brown didn't appear too pleased) and dive tackling their foes.  
  
The game ended at four o'clock in the afternoon. Voldemort's side had won, 48 hits to 26. The Dark Lord was doing a victory dance over on his sideline, watched by a disgruntled Tom Riddle who appeared to be saying "Filth. You're so immature. I wish you'd grow up. Filth."  
  
Professor McGonagall, on her sideline, was condoling McGonagal, who seemed to have broken into little Mini-Aragog tears at not winning the match (which was soon ended when the spider saw Vethil and proceeded to tackle).  
  
The Lusterbuffs were released from their spell, and walked off the field, wincing.  
  
Ally and her friends were rooted to their seats in horror. Each fanwriters' eyes were wide open, their backbones straight as a rod. Ally leaned over and voiced the question they were all wondering. "Do you think we'll be next?" 


	9. The Brit Test and a Break in at Aerobics...

Author's note: Thanks to Molly W for the idea of the Brit Test. Do you think you would pass if you were to take it now?  
  
*********  
  
The Lusterbuffs entered the Great Hall for breakfast the following morning, looking as if none of them had gotten any sleep what so ever. Ashura Rowena Dumbledore was clutching at her head, and Stephanie Brown was humming something under her breath, while Mirild Sket seemed to be driven insane by the noise.  
  
"What happened?" asked Ally, as The Shroom sat down behind her.  
  
"House Elfs," muttered The Shroom, sinking her head down onto the table. "The House Elf Recording Artists Association... It was serenading us all night long..."  
  
Stephanie Brown sat down next to The Shroom. "Chumdeleida la la la, Chumdeleidalalala, Chumdeleida de..."  
  
"What?" Was Stephanie Brown just using nonsense words? A spell, perhaps? The tune was oddly catchy. Ally elbowed Kellie Owens next to her and pointed at Stephanie. Kellie Owens shrugged and returned to her cereal at the Canonlaw table.  
  
"It's the House Elf work song. I can't get it out of my head." Stephanie Brown apologized, noticing their perplexed glances as she dropped a slice of toast onto her plate. "They sang it all night."  
  
"Who made it up? That annoying elf, what's his name, Dibby? He never used words like that in the book..."  
  
"Maybe it's one of those spells, you know, like Tantaflaf," suggested Molly W, rather loudly. Everyone in the Great Hall heard and went silent.  
  
At the Lusterbuff table, an author got to her feet, screamed, and ran from the Hall shrieking, "IT'S MY FAULT!! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!"  
  
"Ah, the sound of fangirl in the morning," said someone by in the doorway. Meir Brin was awake.  
  
*********  
  
"I have some good news, and I have some bad news," continued Meir Brin. "The good news is that Remus Lupin has been deemed 'mentally stable' by Madam Pomfrey." There was a sigh of relief from the Canon characters, and an excited squeal from the fanwriters. "The bad news for you fangirls is that it has come to my attention to add another course to the curriculum."  
  
A groan from the fanwriters.  
  
"Classes have been canceled for this morning. Fanwriters will report to the front lawn immediately. Follow Mr. Filch."  
  
Argus Filch cackled in the Entrance Hall. "Yes, Noriss, my pretty Mini- Aragog, we shall inflict dreadful punishings... Bwahahahaha..."  
  
Meir Brin smiled as the fanwriters got up to leave apprehensively. Argus Filch had that affect on people.  
  
A large number of desks had been set up on the front lawn. It was the only place large enough to hold all of the students. When the group had been seated, Meir Brin took the megaphone and began with instructions.  
  
"This is an exam to test your knowledge of British. If you pass, you will be exempted from 'Tea and Crumpets: British for Dummies'. Fail, and Professor Binns will have the great pleasure of having you in his class." Meir Brin smiled fiendishly at their looks of horror. Binns was notoriously boring. "Part one: translate this paragraph into British English. Part two: spell these words, as they would be in Britain. Part three: Essay. Explain why the Weasley family would never, ever celebrate Thanksgiving. You have two hours. Commence."  
  
There was a furious scrambling to find quills and ink, and then the fanwriters began. Meir Brin leaned back in the office chair that Lockheart had kindly dragged outside. After forty minutes, Dimond got up and handed in her test, looking quite pleased.  
  
Meir Brin opened the booklet and looked inside. Ginny Weasley had created the exam, and would be correcting the papers, but Meir Brin was curious to see how the students had done.  
  
Part One: I put on my blue-colored raincoat and hopped into the truck. The shops on the right side of the road were splashed as we went through the town. We passed an old man selling fish sticks and French fries, and then found the lawyer's office in the center of town. He explained how we could market every flavor of breakfast pastry if we wanted, but the bottom line was that we sell over twenty-five dollars a day.  
  
Dimond had written:  
  
I put on my blue-coloured macintosh and hopped into the lorry. The shops on the left side of the road were splashed as we went through the village. We passed an elderly chap selling fish and chips, then found the solicitor's office in the centre of town. He explained how we could market every flavour of crumpet if we wanted, but at the end of the day we had to sell over __ pounds per day.  
  
It looks good so far, thought Meir Brin. She placed the test on the stack and waited for the rest of the fangirls to finish.  
  
Meir Brin must have dozed off in the sun. When she woke up, a stack of papers several feet high was teetering precociously to her left and something was tugging at her boot.  
  
"Wha? Oh, the Marauders," said Meir Brin, adjusting her spectacles.  
  
Strange things often happened at HFA when words were misspelled. Witness the creation of the Mini-Aragogs, or the "u" and "ur" rock garden that Professor Trelawney was cultivating on the eastern slope of the lawn. In the case of the Marauders, however, words had created life.  
  
They were green, resembling a bathroom fungus that had grown too large and simply walked away. Each was about two feet high, with little brown sacks over their heads and black masks with tiny eyeholes punched through them. They were the M-squad, the Marauders.  
  
Maruader1, with little wolf fangs, was lounging idly on the grass, picking at his teeth with a comma. Maurader2 was rubbing his rat like tail and avoiding Maurderer3, who had little dog-ears and enjoyed chasing Maurader2. Maurauder4, the leader, had jumped up to sit on Meir Brin's desk, and had sunlight glinting off his tiny deer antlers.  
  
"There was a fangirl in Aerobics Lair," said Maurauder4, holding up the shredded remains of a Gryffindor banner.  
  
"Was it intentional? I thought Aerobics Lair was fortified with repelling charms? And do any of the fanwriters even know what Aerobics Lair is?" Meir Brin took the banner and noticed it had been folded into a headscarf.  
  
"Secrecy!" called Maruader1, looking up from his dental hygiene. "Code names!"  
  
"Sorry," Meir Brin said, combing her memory for the secret phrases. "I though Aerobics Lair was infested with cottage cheese, and do any of the Rabid Burritos even Macarena the Aerobics Lair?"  
  
Maurader2 looked up hungrily. "Cottage cheese?"  
  
"Food later. Anyway, did you capture them? ...Sorry, I mean, are the Rabid Burritos dipped in fondue?"  
  
"Maurauder4 looked uneasy (well, as uneasy as sentient jelly could look). "No. We sent the Durselys after them, they're better trackers than we are, but... Aerobics Lair is the most fortified place in the school! If they can break into the staff wing... We're all in trouble..." 


	10. The Lusters United Meet their Match

"I'd never quite thought of it that way. Yet perhaps if they knew what a- what a monster I become... I certainly don't want to hurt them, but if they insist on following me... The next full moon is in eight days, what if one of them follows me? I- AHGHAHGAGHHHAAHHHH!!!"  
  
Remus Lupin jumped five feet in the air and magicked himself onto the top of a bookcase. "Oh, I thought..." he said, the panicky expression receding only slightly.  
  
Meir Brin mentally slapped herself. How many times had she been told not to make any sudden movements around Remus Lupin? Not enough times, it seemed. "Sorry, sorry, sorry. Should have knocked, my fault..." she replied, edging out of the room.  
  
"Oh, no matter, his time's up anyway," said Lily Potter, looking up from her note pad. Lily had kindly agreed to take on the task of HFA therapist, a position for which the Canon characters had not understood the purpose. Unfortunately, the purpose of the HFA therapist had become strikingly clear in light of the recent glomping outbreaks.  
  
"I'll go then..." mumbled Remus Lupin, walking out of the room slowly. At the door he was greeted by Garrt, Ran, and Hermion, who had volunteered to be Remus' personal bodyguards. The Mini-Aragog version of the Gryffindor triumvirate was quite intimidating.  
  
"So how are you doing today?" asked Lily as Meir Brin sat down on the sofa.  
  
"Reasonably well considering, I suppose..." began Meir Brin as Lily got up to close the door. What was not noted by the Canon character were the four pairs of malicious, fangirl eyes watching from the corridor.  
  
*********  
  
"How did we manage to do that?!" squealed Hermione8meg, earning her a reproachful glare from Onyx. "We get past the To-Roga plant, then the Mini- Aragogs, and Brin too!"  
  
"Remember, if they hear us we're dead!" whispered Onyx, clenching her fingers around a Slytherin scarf. "We have to keep moving. Away from Remus. Must keep head. Must not glomp..." It seemed that the fangirls were actually making a conscious effort to restrain themselves around their lust-objects. After the Luster-buffer incident, who wouldn't be cautious?  
  
"Right. On to find Oliver!" Marina the Huntress argued. Hermione8meg sent her an evil glare. Both Marina and Hermione8meg had joined the reconnaissance team in order to catch a glimpse of Oliver Wood, and both would have killed each other long ago had Onyx not reminded them that fighting would probably draw the Mini-Aragogs to their location.  
  
Ally sighed exasperatedly. "But when are we going to find Harry Potter? I wanted to give him this, but those, those things-" Ally flung her last threads of a Gryffindor banner to the ground. How much homework had she promised to do for Chelsea in order to get that banner? Stupid fungus thing with horns, what were they? And why hadn't she seen them coming? Ally sighed once again.  
  
"Cheer up, Ally," said Marina. "I'll see if I can get you off with only half a Bane of Filch essay with Chelsea, seeing as you couldn't actually deliver the thing to Harry."  
  
Ally nodded gloomily. She supposed the plan could have gone off worse.  
  
The L.U. (Lusters United) front had gone off rather well. The organization, headed by Hermione8meg, had been formed on Hermione8meg's promise that everyone would get his or her lust-object when the campaign succeeded. Though the promise was a very large one, and could never be satisfied in the first place, the premier mission, reconnaissance, had started with enthusiasm.  
  
Onyx had created a plan to find out just where exactly the Canon characters were hiding, and the special team had been chosen to represent each house. Marina the Huntress from Wantingmor, Onyx from Canonlaw, and Hermione8meg from Lusterbuff. The Slashering representative had ducked out at the last moment, as soon as she saw the To-Roga plant waiting in the hallway. Chibigreen was not too comfortable around plants of the man-eating variety. Thus Ally had been recruited onto the squad, a last moment addition to a hopeless mission.  
  
"Okay," said Onyx. "The therapy room is here, so the staff wing has got to be close by. Good thing the Mini-Aragogs can't smell us."  
  
"I'm still worried about those little green fungus things, what if they tell Brin about us?"  
  
"You should have shot them!" said Ally, glancing at Marina's bow.  
  
"Can't, exactly! Not when the arrows have been turned into Nerf darts by those psychos in HFA Customs!"  
  
"They never give us any type of self-defense," grumbled Hermione8meg. She was nursing a grudge against the HFA customs crew as well. From what Ally could understand, Hermione8meg had asked to bring her house along as a luxury item, so the Customs people had created a duplicate house (out of paste and Popsicle sticks) and shrunk it down to the size of a laundry machine. Hermione8meg was not amused. Yet seeing as how the HFA Customs crew was Crabbe and Goyle, how could one argue with them? One could yell at them all day, and they still would not understand a word of it.  
  
Marina the Huntress smiled. "But then again, even if they can talk, those little fungus things have got to have more sense than to disrupt Brin when she's in therapy! I know I wouldn't want to."  
  
Ally grinned. In her fangirl mind, it was logical. "Right. Let's go."  
  
The L.U. team crept along the passageway. Around one corner, past a statue, around another corner, Ally could almost feel the warm sensation of being near one's lust-object. She could actually feel heat... Wait a minute...  
  
"Uh, guys?"  
  
Onyx stopped in her tracks. "What?"  
  
"I think... There's something behind me... Something breathing..."  
  
Onyx turned slowly. "Uh-oh..."  
  
"BWHARRHARRHARRHARRHARRHAAAAAAAAARRR!!"  
  
Standing behind them was a large, purple, gelatin-like creature. At six feet tall, weighing one hundred and eighty-four pounds, and blackberry flavored, the Dursely Jelly-Monster was not sympathetic towards sneaky fangirls.  
  
And after the incident that followed, the fangirls were none to fond of it either. 


	11. Trouble in Spellcheck, or The Curse of V...

Before one says anything more, let it be known that Ally was not having a good first week of school. Peeves, the Horror of Mini-Aragog Paintball, the End of Lusters United Mission One, being stuck to the ceiling by a massive heap of blackberry jam that whistled "Tiptoe Through the Tulips", becoming unstuck just in time to fall on the Academy Coordinator, being placed in Detainment, such were not the things a hormonal Potterhead would hope for at Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy.  
  
Yet despite all of this, by Thursday morning Ally felt things might actually be looking up. The added bonus of having Wednesday afternoons off, coupled with the cancellation of "Magical Heredity and You: Reasons Why One Cannot Be Half Unicorn" (due to the continued fragility of Remus Lupin's state of mind. Stephanie Brown and Chibigreen were very disappointed) had left Ally refreshed with new determination. She was going to pass her classes, win the heart of Harry Potter, write beautiful fanfiction about the two of them, and kill whoever had mistyped and created the Dursely Jelly-Monster.  
  
Ally was up early, and actually managed to get downstairs without running into Peeves. Come to think of it, no one had seen Peeves for the past couple of days. Gossip in Wantingmor had remarked that Rex Natos, the Spaz, had joined the Fellowship of the Peeves, and that the organization was planning something big. Ally did not want to know what this was, as knowledge at HFA seemed create discord among the Ironic Over-Power, which would then do its best to Get You.  
  
Ally passed a grove of Giant Bronze Celery Stalks, byproducts of one "Selaria" spell that seemed to have turned up overnight. Hagrid had already chopped one down, and now there was a bronze celery archway to house the Mary-Sue statue. Much to Ally's embarrassment, there were also pots of pretty polka dotted pansies around the shrine.  
  
She sat down at the Canonlaw table, and nudged Penelope Ross awake. "What do we have this morning?"  
  
Penelope Ross looked exhausted. She had been combing the school for her toaster (and perhaps Tom Riddle) all of yesterday, which amounted to one very tired fanwriter. "Spellcheck..." she mumbled, before falling headlong into her porridge.  
  
Spellcheck? There was a class called Spellcheck?  
  
*********  
  
Meir Brin walked into "This is a Spellcheck... Use it", and sat down in the back of the room. Class observation was fun, especially when you knew that the fangirls were going to be in for a shock. This was going to be good.  
  
The room for the Spellcheck class had been outfitted with computers, the only one in the entire school. Using combined intelligence and many magically modified plugs, Hermione Granger and Arthur Weasley had managed to run AOL through Hogwarts. When the Email button had said, "You've got mail!" for the first time, Mr. Weasley had fainted dead away.  
  
The students filed into the room, and looked around with amazement when they saw the computers. Catrin Pritchard became overexcited; she ran to the nearest computer and began hugging it, yelling something along the lines of "Electronics! Radio! Music! Email! How I've missed you!"  
  
At the head of the lecture hall, Arthur Weasley was bouncing around on the balls of his feet, looking very much like Ludo Bagman before the Quidditch World Cup. "Can I do it now? Please? Please?"  
  
Hermione Granger smiled kindly. "Of course." Meir Brin had to commend Hermione for her patience. Being at HFA had given Arthur Weasley an incredible streak of perkiness. And Meir Brin detested perkiness. It annoyed her. Greatly.  
  
Yet she supposed that Arthur was merely excited over his new discovery. After all, it was no small feat to fortify a room with enough Barrier spells to allow computers to run in Hogwarts.  
  
Grinning like a maniac, Arthur plugged the main electrical socket into a panel of glowing orange stones. The fanwriters "ahhh!-ed" in amazement as the many computers whirred to life. "Hhhhiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnngggggg...." went the modems, coming online and breathing the magic of the socket connection. Ashura Rowena Dumbledore sat down at the computer, and sighed happily. "Email at last..."  
  
Then the computers died.  
  
Sadness.  
  
The students did not take the loss well.  
  
Ashura Rowena Dumbledore was sobbing "It's not fair! Not fair!" and pounding on the keyboard. Catrin Pritchard had passed out. Riona had gone dead white, and looked as if the world was about to end. Redfire was condoling Ally, and Chelsea had gone into some sort of seizure.  
  
Arthur Weasley did not take the loss well either. He was down on his knees, sobbing, "No... Don't go... Come back... Come back..."  
  
Hermione patted Arthur Weasley on the back as he started bawling. "It's okay, we'll fix it, don't worry Mr. Weasley..."  
  
Molly W looked as if she was in the midst of an internal struggle. Go hug Arthur, and risk being attacked by Persy and Chraelie, or remain where she was. She started to walk toward the front of the classroom, but then ROn the Mini-Aragog appeared from under a computer table, and Molly W decided she'd settle for looking sympathetic.  
  
Then the second Problem of the Day occurred.  
  
Meir Brin sat bolt upright as the lights went off in the entire classroom. Even the fires had gone out. A coldness near to that of the Dementors was spreading through the room. Hazy purple mist slid under the doorway, engulfing the Canon characters, fanwriters, Mini-Aragogs, and Meir Brin in a pinkish light. For a second, Meir Brin thought she was back at OFUM and Ragna the Urple had arrived.  
  
But it was not he. It was something worse.  
  
"What the-? Oh no, not this..." cried Meir Brin, feeling the shadows approach.  
  
"What is it? What's going on?" called Molly W from across the room.  
  
Suddenly Meir Brin felt very nauseated in the pit of her stomach. The room was spinning, splotches of purple and yellow appeared in her vision. The phrase "It seeks out the dominant character at the time and cannot be resisted. It seeks out the dominant character at the time and cannot be resisted..." was running through her mind. "Vambio- Vam- Vam- Vambio- Vambiolaria..." she coughed.  
  
Meir Brin reached out to grab the wall and steady herself. But she could not. The purple mist was too strong, too toxic... And then- darkness.  
  
"Oh no, anything but this, no, no, no, no, no, no, no..." thought Meir Brin as she fell into the Abyss of Vambiolaria, one of the most evil sicknesses to be placed upon a person in the realm of fanfiction. It was a fan- created spell, gone horribly wrong.  
  
Vambiolaria, the dreaded Mary Sue disease. 


	12. An Unlikely Sue in the Hogwarts Fanficti...

The effects of Vambiolaria had set in. The dreaded Mary Sue disease, a fan- created spell that had the worst possible effect. It sought out the dominant character at the time, and... Well, I think you'll understand in a moment.  
  
Meir Brin's deep grey eyes flickered open. Her dark tresses of raven black hair appeared streaked with white, just as it did in the light of the morning sun. "Where- Where am I?"  
  
All of the male Canon characters within a half-mile radius swooned. Mary Sues were deadly like that. The only known resistance to their evil was the Kuswort herb, which was kept by the HFA Sue-tracker. And at that moment, the HFA Sue-tracker was somewhere in the Forbidden Forest, relieving himself against a tree.  
  
"Oh yes, I am at the beloved Academy of Hogwarts Fanfiction. Beauteous school, yet I must suffer torment to remember the torment that I must suffer. Alas, my underprivileged upbringing does not allow me to enjoy such delights. Woe is me!" Meir Brin said, drawing one delicate hand across her brow and using incorrect grammar. She stood, causing the green waves of her dress swish gently. It did not seem to matter that Meir Brin did not even own a green dress, or that Meir Brin found dresses to be extremely unpractical and annoying. Vambiolaria was known to be illogical.  
  
The fanwriters glanced at one another. Why, they had to help this delicate creature, for what terrible hardship could be cruel enough to harm one so fair? Surely one of great evil.  
  
"I must be leaving that you will not be suffering my presence, woe is I, for I fear that the evil shadow upon me must not be released into this place, farewell..." Meir Brin glided with ethereal grace from the classroom, her dark black hair billowing out behind her. Why must she be saddened by the grief of this world? If they had but known what horrors she had done in the past!  
  
Bang!  
  
Meir Brin drew her wand in surprise (it also did not seem to matter that Meir Brin did not even have a wand or possess magical powers of any sort) when a loud noise echoed throughout the corridors.  
  
The HFA Sue-tracker had arrived. Sirius Black was running forward, clutching a foul-smelling handkerchief to his mouth. He was carrying something long and shining in his hand, and had a glints of both determination and disgust in his eyes.  
  
Meir Brin's features turned to mirror innocence and confusion, which was soon replaced by an expression of pain as Sirius Black contacted her head with a Cricket bat made of solid bronze celery.  
  
*********  
  
"Why do we have to grind this? It's disgusting! And whatever that stuff is, it has been dead for way too long..." Ally complained, dropping a handful of powder into a cauldron.  
  
Severus Snape unstoppered a black vial. "Detainment is not yet over. Service in the Hospital Wing mandates you do as you're told." he replied softly, dropping the dark liquid into the potion. "And if I am to create a cure for Vambiolaria, this must be brewed tonight."  
  
They both looked over at the cot where Meir Brin had been stowed. Sirius Black had magically placed her in a straight jacket. Sirius Black did not tolerate Mary Sues. Ever since the Remus-glomping incidents he had been five times more vindictive towards Original characters that appeared at HFA.  
  
Ally grumbled sourly and dropped a lump of frog bowels into the pot. The Dursely Jelly Monster incident had earned her nightly Detainment in the Hospital Wing. And that meant helping in the Hospital Wing, which in tonight's case meant brewing up the Vambiolaria cure. Snape recoiled slightly as the potion splashed onto his robes. His free hand twitched, and Ally gulped. How many times had she been told not to mess with Snape?  
  
"'Ere ee go. Las' one of th' season, put ter good use I 'spect." came the cheery voice of Hagrid from the doorway. Snape rolled his eyes. "Fresh Kuswort. Jus' sprouted this morning." said the half-giant, dropping a bundle of yellow plants onto the table. Ally held a hand to her mouth. The plants smelled like vomit.  
  
"Fitting that a fan-created plant would defeat a fan-created disease," remarked Snape, pulling a large kitchen knife from his belt. Ally had noticed that most of the staff members carried something sharp around with them in addition to their wands. The most inventive by far seemed to be Dobby, who carried a sharpened knitting needle in a scabbard around his waist wherever he went. Snape raised the knife high above his head and chopped the weed in half. Again. And again. And again. Ally thought this might be Professor Snape's personal form of stress therapy.  
  
Hagrid edged out of the wing just as Snape began to mumble names along with his knife strokes. The Potions master was on to "Harry Potter" for the eleventh time when Ally knocked a bottle of red liquid over, causing the Potions master to stop in mid-swing. "Erm... Is it time to put it in?" asked the fangirl.  
  
"No," said Snape coldly. He paused for two and a half seconds. "Now it is," and the head of Slytherin House dumped the spliced herbs into the cauldron.  
  
Ally looked at him angrily. Just because she was a stupid ignorant fangirl didn't mean the Canon characters had to condescend to her level *all* of the time. "Slimy-"  
  
"You could at least have the creativity to invent your own adjective." interjected Snape, his voice slightly raised. "Slimy-haired git is very much overused."  
  
Ally muttered curses and stuck her hand into a jar of pickled crow bladders. She slapped a handful down onto Snape's cutting board, taking extra measures to make sure that the oozing substance dripped onto his shoes.  
  
"It is finished," said Snape suddenly.  
  
As if out of thin air- or a plothole- Madam Pomfrey suddenly appeared. "Goodness, I hope there is enough." The medi-wizard ladled potion into a goblet, and strode over to Meir Brin.  
  
Ally felt sick. She knew what was in that potion. To have to drink it... Ewww...  
  
But apparently Kuswort potion did not have to be drunk. Madam Pomfrey raised the goblet as soon as she was within two meters of Meir Brin's cot, then dropped the globby liquid into her hand, wound up like a baseball pitcher, and lobbed the Kuswort solution at the HFA coordinator.  
  
A horrible squelching noise, and Meir Brin was back to normal. Two seconds to register where she was, two more seconds to register what had happened, and one nanosecond to register that there were crow bladders all over her face.  
  
"AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!" 


	13. The Return of Lusters United and Those W...

Ally managed to get out of the hospital wing at midnight. She ambled down the stairway, passed by the Mary Sue Shrine, and abruptly ran into Grandmomma Longlegs, who was feeding the Mini-Aragog dungeon guards, Shape and Gilderloy, from a bucket of bouillabaisse. "What are you doing here?" the Ally exclaimed, rubbing her hands together briskly. The contents of the bouillabaisse looked too much like the potion she had just concocted.  
  
"Feeding the spiders."  
  
"Oh." Ally paused. "Snape is upstairs, in the hospital wing, I think."  
  
Grandmomma Longlegs looked unhappy. "I've been feeding them for hours, just to get into the dungeons! Why-!"  
  
Shape had grabbed the hem of her school robes with his pincers. "Wants more fishies!" he rasped in a rather Gollum-like fashion.  
  
Grandmomma Longlegs showed the Mini-Aragog her empty bucket. "I don't have anymore."  
  
Karakoff had arrived. "Wants fishies too! Fishies for Mini-Aragogses!"  
  
Suddenly, the hall was swarming with Mini-Aragogs. They crawled out of the shadows, pincers clacking menacingly. "WANTS MORE FISHIES!! WANTS MORE FISHIES NOW!!"  
  
Lisiouse, Dippit, Maulkin, and Godirc grabbed Grandmomma Longlegs and carried her off in the direction of the kitchens. "I'll get you more bouillabaisse! Really! Put me down! Heee-lp!" called Grandmomma Longlegs. "Save meeeeeeeeeee..."  
  
It took Ally two seconds to realize who the ideal person for the job would be. When the thought struck her, as thoughts are wont to do, she barreled off up the stairs. She knew what group would be able to deal with this predicament...  
  
"Oh no. Not this time. We learned well enough last time, I am not going back there." Onyx was perched on the corner of her bed with her arms crossed over her chest. "Never in a million years. And she's not even from our House."  
  
"So she's a Wantingmor. Grandmomma Longlegs is still a student, we have to help each other out!" Seeing Onyx' impassive expression, Ally changed tactics. She lowered her voice. "I've got chocolate."  
  
Onyx was torn. Chocolate, or the Jelly, chocolate, or the Jelly... She sighed. "She is a student, so... fine. I'll go get Hermione8meg."  
  
Eleven minutes later, Ally, Onyx, Hermione8meg, Chelsea, Catrin Pritchard, The Shroom, and Chibigreen had gathered in the designated classroom known as Rockabye Fortress. (The HFA group seemed to be very fond of obscure code words).  
  
The second meeting of Lusters United had been called to order, though there were several notable changes in leadership. Marina the Huntress had ducked out of the society, claiming that she would never risk death by jam when there were easier ways of catching Oliver's attention. In addition, Chibigreen had rejoined the force, with Onyx's reassurance that they would not go anywhere near the To-Roga plant.  
  
"I hereby call the second meeting of the Lusters United to order." Flying popcorn greeted this statement. "Okay, okay. No formalities. We're here to save a fellow student. Ally, tell us what happened."  
  
Onyx took a seat while Ally stood up shakily. "The Mini-Aragogs got Grandmomma Longlegs." Now that was a phrase Ally never thought she would say.  
  
And then debate was opened on the subject.  
  
*********  
  
Meanwhile, in her quarters near the Aerobics Lair, Meir Brin was under strict quarantine. Being confined to bed was not a problem. It was the thought of what the students were doing to her school during her absence that was the problem.  
  
A knock at the door. "Come in if you've been inoculated!" called Meir Brin.  
  
It was Lord Voldemort and Tom Riddle. "We have both been, 'injected', if that is what you mean." Meir Brin sighed. It was bad enough having a school full of angsty teenagers. It did not help that Tom Riddle himself was also an angsty teenager.  
  
"What's your dilemma?" asked Meir Brin, preparing for the onslaught.  
  
"He won't listen to me-"  
  
"He treats me like a child-"  
  
"I'm fifty years older than him-"  
  
"He's pathetic-"  
  
"He doesn't respect me-"  
  
"He mistreats Nagini-"  
  
"I do not! Nagini likes when we play dress-up-"  
  
"She does not! She told me you make her wear lipstick-"  
  
"Nagini likes make-up-"  
  
"You are so immature-"  
  
"I wish I had killed you-"  
  
"You couldn't, otherwise you wouldn't exist-"  
  
"Don't tell me what to do-"  
  
"Make me!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Lords Voldemort collectively! Put -aaahhhaaackkhaackkkup- away the wands!" Meir Brin roared. It would have been impressive had she not sneeze-cough-hiccupped in the middle of the phrase. Vambiolaria had interesting side effects, such as the ability to be quite embarrassing when one is doing something of importance.  
  
Voldemort giggled, and Tom Riddle sulkily put his wand away.  
  
"Now, what is the real problem?"  
  
"I wanted to start the Commitment of Evilness course with a display of magical Evilness, such as a demonstration of the Crucio curse, but He wants to do the Unthinkable Evil."  
  
Meir Brin raised an eyebrow. "The Unthinkable Evil?"  
  
Tom Riddle smiled with practiced evilness. "Twenty-four hour Barney the Obnoxious Purple Dinosaur Marathon. With Britney Spears soundtrack."  
  
Meir Brin cringed and tried to erase the image of Barney singing "Slave 4 U" from her mind. That was one to place wagers on at OFUM's Ultimate Evil lottery guessing game.  
  
"That is a perfect display of evil to show to the fanwriters. It will make them fear us properly." Tom Riddle leaned against the wall, having finished making his point.  
  
Meir Brin shook her head slightly, still trying to shake the image. "Okay... Well, first of all, you cannot Crucio the students, as mental torment is preferred in our Mission Statement over physical crippling." Lord Voldemort looked downcast. "Second, I had hoped you would choose a more ehem, Potterverse-ish approach to your curriculum. We want them taught, not just driven insane."  
  
Tom Riddle furrowed his brow. "But that's not fair-"  
  
"Ha ha!" Lord Voldemort was doing his Happy Dance once again. "We can't use your idea either!"  
  
"Might I suggest you collaborate with Lucius on this matter? Peter Pettigrew might also have some thoughts on the subject, if you asked him."  
  
"NOT THAT PETTIGREW WORM!!" Tom Riddle had backed away, looking scandalized. "He," said Riddle, indicating Lord Voldemort Senior, "transfigured me into the form of a toddler and put me in that nutcase's custody for DAYCARE! I am SEVENTEEN! I do not need a half-wit with the intelligence quotient of a turnip teaching me that 'ABC's are fun'!!"  
  
Lord Voldemort chuckled. "It was quite interesting when Wormtail tried to spoon-feed you mashed carrots."  
  
A howl of rage, and Tom Riddle dive-tackled his elder self.  
  
Meir Brin frowned. They would fall into Elessor's Mini-Abyss if the kept it up. "Kindly take it outside, Lords Voldemort collectively."  
  
Still growling at each other, Tom Riddle and Lord Voldemort stalked out of the room. Meir Brin opened one of her "How to Dictate the Masses (And Look Good Doing It!)" magazines (lent to her by Professor Karkaroff) when there was a loud explosion in the corridor.  
  
"Someone else better get that!" the HFA coordinator called, settling down into her blankets for an evening of high quality literature. 


	14. Hair curlers and The Great Lusters Unite...

Saturday mornings. Sleeping in. Possibly the best feelings to be felt at HFA in the one-and-a-half-weeks of its existence.  
  
At least that was Meir Brin's opinion when she first opened her eyes at nine o'clock.  
  
Judging by that bit of foreshadowing, the moment was shortly to be ruined. This came in the form of a giant black fuzz ball (smelling strongly of seafood) jumping onto Meir Brin's quilt and demanded that its hair curlers be removed from its fur.  
  
"Lockheart! Oh, medalva- what time is it?" the HFA coordinator suddenly realized that she had just slept for two days straight. "That's a record, for Vambiolaria, at least." Attention was then brought back to the hair curlers. "Where did you get these? Have you been going to Coiffes for Crawlies again?"  
  
"Toaster warm! Makes furses curly! Lockheart likeses warm toasters!"  
  
Meir Brin sighed and began to work the curlers out of Lockheart's body-fur. Once they had all been removed, Lockheart had a nice little hairdo, which was strikingly similar to Gilderoy's own coiffure.  
  
"Well who would have thunk it. I'd never have believed that toasters work this well as curling irons..."  
  
*********  
  
Ally flopped down onto her four-poster bed, completely exhausted and bruised in numerous locations. The events of the past two evenings had been too much. It had began after Ally had called the second gathering of the Lusters United, intent on rescuing Grandmomma Longlegs from the hapless claws of the Mini-Aragogs.  
  
The meeting had lasted until two in the morning. Onyx and Hermione8meg had concocted a plan (which was rather stupid in Ally's hindsight) to disguise them all as Mini-Aragogs and pass the sentinels who guarded the hallways at night.  
  
Of course, like all plans that sound good at the time, there was of course a critical flaw in this idea. None of the Lusters United knew the Mini- Aragog secret hand- (paw-? leg-? extremity-?) shake. And that of course had resulted in the first annual Mini-Aragog dogsled run. Ally winced. Being dragged through the halls of Hogwarts at forty miles per hour by six Mini-Aragogs shouting "We will win! We will win!" is very painful.  
  
And then there was the part in which the Mini-Aragogs managed to drag them into the Death Eater Tupperware party, in which one earns the eternal loathing of the Dark wizards (who of course could never live it down if the Ministry found out they held secret Tupperware-party-rituals every Saturday evening).  
  
This was then followed by the Lusters United being Banished into the middle of the Quidditch pitch, where, as fate would have it, the House Elf Recording Artist Association was practicing their "Chumdeleidalalala Song" in five-part harmony. Very few things in the world of Fanfiction can make one's ears bleed. The Chumdeleidalalala Song is one of them.  
  
By this time of course, it had been sunrise. Sunday mornings at sunrise coincidentally happened to be the time in which the Gryffindor Quidditch team practiced. And this meant that a majority of the Lusters United were subsequently paralyzed by the close proximity of their lust-object.  
  
Ally and Catrin Pritchard had gaped open-mouthed at Harry Potter, and probably would have glomped had he not been many meters above them, and on a broomstick. Hermione8meg and The Shroom had come very close to getting neck strain from watching Oliver Wood, though the Shroom had difficulty dividing her attention between Oliver and Harry's antics. The others, their lust-objects not in sight, had tried to pull their comrades away from the pitch, as Harry's Fodfather was eyeing them.  
  
Ally had not known who or what Harry's Fodfather was. She soon discovered.  
  
From that point on Ally was loath to mess with anything that resembled both a patch of grass and a buffet line at the same time. Typos were evil. Ally swore she would go on a campaign for spellcheck, if she ever managed to get a Fanfiction license.  
  
And then, to place the cherry on the whipped cream, Chibigreen had said it couldn't get any worse. It is a well-known fact that this phrase has magical powers. It is called Ironic Law. Often it can bring on rain. But not at HFA.  
  
"Punctuation downpour!" cried Angelina Johnson, zooming back to the castle. The rest of the Gryffindor team followed suit, even the Fodfather had ambling back to Hogwarts.  
  
Yet when one is a Luster, it is rather hard to snap out of lust-object withdrawal. Which resulted in the un-stunned members of the L.U. carrying Ally, Catrin Pritchard, Hermione8meg, and The Shroom back to the castle as periods and semi-colons plummeted to the ground around them.  
  
Of course by that time it had been noon. Having not slept in forty-two hours makes one cranky. Having gone through the preceding events makes one crankier.  
  
Therefore, when the Lusters United returned to see Grandmomma Longlegs at the foot of the grand staircase, stroking Hearmen and Hermoing, well... The reaction was less than pretty.  
  
"We- we- we-...!!" stammered Catrin Pritchard, trying to keep her cool.  
  
Onyx started wailing again. "Why? Why! Whaaaaat haaaaaaappened?! Aaaaaaahhhhh!"  
  
Ally scuffed her shoe into the floor. "I'm sorry, guys. I thought..."  
  
In a single stroke of luck (the only one Ally had had in quite a while) she had been saved from six angry Lusters, who may have united to inflict pain upon a fellow member in their rage. But not in the manner of her choosing.  
  
"Ahh! Ickle fanwriters!" Peeves had returned, followed by his acolyte, Rex Natos. "Whats be you doing here? In the vewy special meeting place of the Fewwowship of the Peeveses?" said the Poltergeist, mimicking the Mini- Aragogs' speech.  
  
"N-n-nothing..." Chelsea had stammered, backing away.  
  
Peeves had grinned maniacally, and chased them all the way up to the Astronomy Tower, which was discovered to be higher and less romantic than any of the Lusters United had ever imagined.  
  
In the long chain of ill-fated events, the last link was near.  
  
It came in the appearance of the Mini-Aragog repelling club.  
  
The Mini-Aragogs had then had then realized that the Lusters United could be wound up in spider-thread, and would then make excellent yo-yos. Twenty- seven times, back and forth, dangling from the Astronomy tower is not the ideal way to spend one's afternoon.  
  
Then, of course, it had been teatime. The Mini-Aragogs had run off, leaving the Lusters United dangling from threads many meters above the school. Fortunately, Percy Weasley had come by and hoisted the (now nauseated) Lusters back into the tower. Then they had been sent back to their Common Rooms, with strict reprimands of "don't ever upset the Mini- Aragogs like that again!" Ally rolled her eyes. Like the Mini-Aragogs had been upset by their presence, and not vice versa.  
  
And that is the tale of the Lusters United's second great adventure. In which many became pained, bruised, and sick to their stomach. 


	15. Bane of Filch: Pranking 101

Author's Note: HFA does not endorse the use of toasters as hair-care products.  
  
*********  
  
Ally stumbled into "Bane of Filch" silently cursing Mini-Aragogs, homework, and Mini-Aragogs. She dearly hoped that her essay "Evaluate Fred and George's top five pranks and explain their ingenuity to the extreme" was long enough. Mika Sei, in Lusterbuff, had handed in a "Fun with Puns" essay that had neglected to come to the last margin. Ally also hoped that Sirius Black, Fred and George Weasley were more lenient than Professor Snape.  
  
At their two desks at the head of the classroom, Fred and George were writing something with immense secrecy. In the back of the classroom, Sirius Black was polishing his fingernails and generally trying to look as escaped-convicty as possible. "We're all accounted for?" asked George, looking to Fread and Geroge the Mini-Aragogs, who were taking roll call.  
  
"All hereses," rasped Geroge, shooting a glance at Kellie Owens. It was a patented Mini-Aragog "glomp my namesake and die" look.  
  
"Ah, excellent," said Fred, standing up and cracking his knuckles. "Where did we leave off last week?"  
  
"At 'Screaming Yo-Yos and Fanged Frisbees Are For Amateurs, Professionals Make Their Own Pranking Devices'." commented Sirius Black, stroking Buckbeat the Mini-Aragog.  
  
"Oh yes, of course," said George. "Now, do we have any students who would like to Volunteer to help with this lesson?" Several of the Weasley Twins Lusters hesitated. But good sense prevailed in the end. One does not Volunteer at HFA unless they are carrying some sort of large weaponry or are on narcotics.  
  
"No one?" said Fred, looking disappointed. "I suppose we'll have to resort to the Test Dummy." The Weasley twin strode over to what appeared to be a raised platform hidden by a shower curtain. He drew back the curtain and laughed. Sirius Black had modified the standard "Bane of Filch" Hex-Test- Dummy into a life-sized replica of Professor Snape.  
  
The Snape Fan club- Sevvie's Angels- hissed. The non-Snape fangirls had always found that faction very odd. In Ally's words: "Anyone who likes someone so mean to Harry-is-is- Ewwie! And he's got greasy hair too."  
  
Ashura Rowena Dumbledore had nearly maimed Ally after that phrase. In another bout of self-improvement, Ally had learned not to mess with the lust-objects of others. Those that did usually awoke to a recording of Chumdeleidalalala.  
  
"Now," said George, opening up a box with the words "Dangerous: Not for Fangirls" on it. "Who can tell me what this is?"  
  
KazraGirl of Wantingmor leaned forward to gain a closer look. "I think its cheese... Really moldy cheese, maybe?"  
  
George looked horrified. "Brother Fred, do enlighten the Unenlightened! No mere cheese is this!"  
  
Fred smiled wickedly. Several Fred-and-George Fangirls swooned. "It is our latest creation. We are no longer content to use the products of others, so..." Fred scooped up a handful of the powdered cheese and threw it at the Hex-Test-Dummy.  
  
There was an explosion of Wilver mist. HFA had recently looked into acquiring its own color, Wilver, and now it had sprung up everywhere. Rumor had it that Meir Brin was negotiating with the PPC to bring Wilver into the Fanfiction Academy as a student punishment. The putrid milky color hadn't blinded anyone yet, but that was perhaps because the Wilver was on loan as a demo. Ally dearly hoped that the bargain wouldn't come through.  
  
When the fog cleared, the class was presented with the Severus Snape model complete with flowery robe, garland, and May Queen wand.  
  
"Antithesis Powder," said Sirius, smiling thinly. "Very nice."  
  
"One of the major theories behind pranking an individual is the Antithesis effect, which-" George stopped mid-sentence. "What is your question?"  
  
"What's an 'anti-antithees-'"  
  
"Antithesis, Miss Redfire." Sirius said, restraining Buckbeat. As his name would imply, Buckbeat was inclined to a violent nature and often attacked the students. Stephanie Brown had the bumps to prove it. "It is another word for opposite," said Black.  
  
"We must remember to restrict our word use to less than three syllables," commented Fred, resealing the Antithesis Powder box.  
  
"Illiterate fangirls..." sighed George, admiring the Hex-Test-Dummy's vernal regalia.  
  
"As we were saying," Fred continued, "One of the primary aspects one must achieve in pranking is the opposite effect. Let us continue with our example of Professor Snape. What comes to mind when one thinks of Professor Snape?"  
  
"Strict," said Mika Sei, looking at the pompoms that the Professor in question had transplanted onto her fingertips.  
  
"Yummy!" said Grandmomma Longlegs, receiving an odd look from Sirius.  
  
"Greasy," said Ally, shrinking back into her seat as the Sevvie's Angels glared in her direction.  
  
"That's all very good," said George, writing the words on the chalkboard. "Now what are some words which do not describe Professor Snape?"  
  
"Lenient," said Molly W. Ally had recently heard that Molly W had joined the Daycare staff. Unfortunately, the only child that was there happened to be Voldemort Junior, the nasty baby-type thing that Lord Voldemort had been before his resurrection. Completing the Voldemort trio, this creature had kept Molly W's hands full all weekend after he hitched a ride on Quirril the Mini-Aragog and run rampant throughout the castle. After Quirril and Voldemort Junior (or "Little Voldiekins" to Tom and Lord Voldemort (senior)) had destroyed Snape's private potions lab, Molly W had received the full wrath of the Potionsmaster.  
  
"Cheerful?" offered Riona.  
  
"Nice?" giggled Redfire. The Shroom came *this* close to killing her.  
  
"How about 'benevolent'?" said a silky voice from the doorway. Professor Snape- the real Professor Snape- had arrived.  
  
"Ai, a Potionsmaster has come!" said Dimond, trying to look inconspicuous.  
  
"Clever," said Snape, gesturing to the Hex-Test-Dummy. "I suppose the 'Dress up Severus Snape as something out of the ordinary idea' hadn't turned up for a while. Very *original*."  
  
"Didn't... ask... Prof. Snape's... opinion?" Penelope Ross then realized that she had said it out loud and pointed to a framed piece of parchment above the instructor's desks. "What is that?"  
  
Snape turned quickly to look at the old paper, which was continuing to write words upon itself magically. "I thought that was burned," he snarled.  
  
George grinned. "We couldn't burn the Map. It's our friend!"  
  
Fred chuckled. "The Marauder's Map says that you should leave before the May Faeries come and bring you back to the jolly festivities."  
  
George chimed in. "The Marauder's Map says that you're a nitwit."  
  
"The Marauder's Map says..."  
  
*********  
  
"... and the vict- students will be in for a real treat."  
  
Meir Brin poked the bluish white liquid of the Pensive with the Switch of Character Banishment. The Pensive, another fan-created typo, had come with magical powers of its own. A telephone-like property was one of them.  
  
"When will the transportation be ready?" said the HFA coordinator, looking into the glassy reflections of the Pensive.  
  
"We must look into that," said the voice from the Pensive.  
  
"Agreed. I will scan for a large Plothole in the near future. One big enough may suffice," said Meir Brin.  
  
"I believe that is all?" came the woman's voice once again from the Styrofoam basin.  
  
"Yes," said the HFA coordinator. "Meir Brin out." 


	16. Draco, Hermione and a Grand Announcement

Meir Brin cheerfully made her way down the Quidditch pitch on a clear Tuesday afternoon. A certain field trip was going to come to pass. Mmm, field trips... Also, the MAPLE (Mini-Aragog Paintball League -Extreme) was holding its second match of the season, and the line-up promised to be good.  
  
"Ah, the happiness of not being contagious," Meir Brin sighed, striding over to the first bench. Hermione Granger was reading a large textbook about the effects of Westerlies on Paintball precision to her team of Mini- Aragogs.  
  
"And if the breeze has wind speed of over twenty-" Hermione dived under the team bench. "Don't infect me!"  
  
"Whoa, hold the bus. I'm not contagious anymore." Meir Brin said hurriedly, backing away.  
  
Hermione crawled out from under her safe-spot. "Sorry. I have a very low tolerance for the Vambiolaria, and I wouldn't want to catch it now. And I really don't like when those people come and put me through an exorcism." Hermione shuddered.  
  
"Of course. Well, ah, I'll be off then." Meir Brin smiled and walked of toward the other bench. Poor Hermione. She was often the target for Internal Sues, who preyed on Canon characters and turned them into Sues from the inside out. This of course led to the PPC coming and performing an exorcism. Such were Hermione's problems with being a strong female Canon character. No one ever gave her a break.  
  
"Now, what are we going to do?" said a loud voice, interrupting Meir Brin's concentration.  
  
"Winnings!" cried the whispery voices of the Mini-Aragogs.  
  
Draco Malfoy smiled devilishly and fastened the last strap of Draoc's harness. "Show the Mudblood who's Name-mistakes are boss!" In the crowd, Mudblooed the Mini-Aragog perked up its ears, then sat back down dejectedly. It is not fun to be named after an insult.  
  
"And if you win, I promise I'll take you to the Blocktiria for rat sundaes afterward!"  
  
Darco, Drac, Drcao, and Draycoo clicked their pincers together appreciatively. The Blocktiria had recently appeared at HFA as a cafeteria composed entirely of Lego's. The food was reasonable, but it was more for the show that people attended. To watch the confused Lego people try and act as bouncer when faced with an inebriated Nearly-Headless Nick... Fun.  
  
"We will fightses!" shrieked Darco. "Chargingses!"  
  
*********  
  
Ally sighed and took her seat in the stands. At least Meir Brin hadn't decided to equip buffers to the sidelines for this match. Canonlaw- buffers... Very scary thought.  
  
Of course, attending these matches wasn't mandatory anymore, but one didn't like to be in the castle alone. Recently the Weasley Twins had stumbled upon something called "Ten-Tongue Taffy", and had taken to slipping it into people's "secret-food-stash-that-I'm-sure-no-one-knows-about-'cause-I'm- ever-so-careful-all-the-time-and-have-applied-touch-recognition-sensors-to- my-secret-treasure-trove" food supply. And one didn't want to be alone when they discover that they have several tiny tongues sprouting from their eyebrows, as was the effect of "Ten-Tongue Taffy". And more importantly, the Mini-Aragog matches were a good time to play "spot that lust-object".  
  
Ally looked around her to see if she knew any of the students sitting near her. Redfire had received detainment for stalking Draco, so she was not present. Rumor had it that she had been forced to pin sequins on Rosmerta's new shoes in order to help the waitress win this year's "Shinier than Oz" shoe competition, and was now in the hospital wing. Apparently, Redfire had left her punishment seeing refracted light everywhere and had walked into a wall. This, of course, resulted in self-inflicted concussion.  
  
"Ally!"  
  
The girl in question looked up to see Antigra jump over the rows to sit next to her. "Hey..."  
  
"Look, Ally, I know I haven't been too nice so far, but... please hide me!!" Antigra looked about in a panicky manner and ducked behind Ally.  
  
Ally wasn't too sure what this was about. The last time she had seen Antigra, the girl had been talking about how, and I quote, "Lovey characters are such dweeb-heads, if these writers want to write fluff, then they should be dropped in a pit of stuffing and never be allowed out". Ally conveyed this thought to Antigra.  
  
"Well, yeah, I know, but, err, I sorta let some of that slip to the Lusterbuffs and the Slasherings, and you know, they *cough*kindawannakillme*cough*."  
  
Ally was impressed. She didn't know how Antigra could use asterisk- gestures in conversation so well that it didn't even prompt Poltegiest the Mini-Aragog to come and lecture with the "no internet lingo in fanfictions" tirade.  
  
"Hey, look, there she is!" said a voice most likely belonging to a Random Slashering Number One. Ally looked back and saw Vee wading through the crowd with a pitchfork in hand.  
  
"Hide me!" Antigra groaned. Ally placed a hand on top of the Canonlaw's head and forced her under the seats. The two girls were holding their breaths and waiting for the vigilante "Romance forever" group to pass when Lee Jordan's voice boomed across the pitch.  
  
"Welcome to the second Mini-Aragog Paintball League Extreme Paintball game!" The Canon Characters clapped, but the fanwriter side of the stadium was silent. "Today, we have Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger's name- mistakes facing off in a duel of fiendish glory! Paintball, the sport of psycho-maniacs! And the match begins... now!!"  
  
Ally watched as the Mini-Aragogs took their positions on the Quidditch field. The Mini-Balrog referees were once again circling the pitch, this time aided by Borimir the Mini-Baragog, a confused product of a Crossover mistake. In this case, HFA now had a demonic fiery spider to guide the staff section. Voldeymort, the other Crossover mistake, was currently in therapy learning how to control his Pokemonic qualities and to refrain from screeching "Pika-Voldey!!" whenever mentioned.  
  
The match didn't go in Hermione's favor at the start. Harmony, her starter, began to wail hippie peace chants such as "stoppings the warses" as soon as she stepped onto the field and had to be pulled after lighting incense candles in the grass. Replacing her was Hearmen, who was a slight improvement (knocking Drcao out of bounds several times). Then Hermoine took a brief lead, her having the benefit of being the strongest (or most currently misspelled) player on the field, and thoroughly pummeled Drac with Tantaflaf.  
  
But Draco Malfoy's Mini-Aragog name-mistakes would not tolerate this. Draycoo threw Hermoine out of the pitch, and Darco fired at Hormone with his Tantaflaf blaster. In a spectacular display of hardcore marksmanship them managed to dispatch the whole Granger-squad just before the time ran out. Draco's preparation paid off. He won the match thirty to twenty- three.  
  
Ally grumbled as she went back into the castle. It was pure intimidation, that's what it was! They were just trying to scare her out of her mind!  
  
(Author's Note: For the most point, Ally is completely correct).  
  
But Ally's mood was not to be improved upon her reaching the Hogwarts castle. A large banner had been spread across the entranceway, clearly reading "WELCOME OFUM STUDENTS" in large orange letters. Meir Brin was sitting on a ladder wiping paint off of her hands.  
  
"What? What's 'Oof-umm'?" blurted Ally before she could stop herself.  
  
Meir Brin grinned evilly from her perch, giving the HFA coordinator a very vulture-like appearance. "Don't let Miss Cam catch you calling her school 'Oof-umm'," she said. Many of the fanwriters were gathering below the sign to gawk at it, so Meir Brin must have thought this a "teaching moment" (yeah, right, thought Ally), so she continued.  
  
"Many fanwriters have felt that certain fanverses have too few characters. Thus they bring characters from other fanverses to their own fanverse. In fangirl slop, err, speech, you call it a 'Crossover'."  
  
There was a general murmur of assent among the fanwriters.  
  
"Crossovers are not good. Thou shalt not Screw with the minds of the Canon characters by placing them elsewhere! Is this world not-"  
  
"What's 'Oof-um'?!" interrupted a fangirl.  
  
Meir Brin didn't like being interrupted. Pavarotti the Mini-Aragog descended upon the offending fangirl and scuttled off with her. "Comings, ittle fanwriteresss... We goingses to listening to 'Madame Butterflyerssss'..."  
  
The fangirl screamed. Fangirls didn't like being subjected to Mini-Aragog opera.  
  
"The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth. Call it 'Oof-umm' or 'Urf-emm' and Miss Cam will gut you. The works of Tolkien are not to be mixed with the works of Rowling. In a few days, or weeks, the OFUM students will be visiting our school. And after that, we will be taking a trip to OFUM to see why it is not right to swap things between continuums."  
  
There was dead silence.  
  
Then Mirild Sket piped up in a line from the continuum in question. "Hooray! We're going to see the Elves!"  
  
*********  
  
Author's note: Yes, that's right. Miss Cam and I are doing a little something called "Crossover Class" or "Class for those with FRDD (Fanficto- Reality Deficiency Disease)". Those of you enrolled in HFA who would like to go ought to say as much in your review. 


	17. Practical Wizardry and A Meeting in Aero...

"The class of Practical Wizardry is designed to help you in your writing, so that you will not create bogus spells which inflict our realm with 'Kus' or 'Blocktiria'. We will be exploring short term syllabi of all the major Hogwarts classes, and several small independent studies." Professor McGonagall adjusted her glasses to stare beadily down at the fanwriters.  
  
Ally gulped. This seemed like a hard class, they might actually have to work! But Hogwarts was supposed to be fun! No- no- essays, or fifty page homework assignments!  
  
Professor McGonagall cleared her throat. "If and only if you pass this class, you shall be placed in next semester's course 'Wizardry, the Lab Practical'. There you shall learn how to perform several simple spells to enhance your writing."  
  
One of the Canonlaws, Catherine Dark Wolf, raised her hand. "How will we perform spells?"  
  
"Why with wands of course," said Hermione Granger from her stool at the front of the room. "Not real ones, of course, but a temporary substitute developed a couple weeks ago."  
  
"Can we do that?" asked Knightsky, from Slashering.  
  
Percy Weasley nodded. "Yes, but only if you pass this course..." Percy had looked depressed for the past week. There was a great deal of speculation about this among the fangirls. They had three possible ideas.  
  
Number One: There were no Percy-lusters at HFA, and the Weasley was perhaps taking it rather hard. Though, as Antigra had pointed out, "He wants Lusters? Do you think he's crazy? They'd attack him, you know, with glomping and hormones! Why would he *want* Lusters?"  
  
Possible Reason Number Two: Percy was depressed that Practical Wizardry had been deemed "The Nerdy Class". Though The Shroom said that this hadn't bothered him in the books, so it probably wasn't true.  
  
Alternate Reason Three: Meir Brin hadn't promoted him in the past week. This answer was generally accepted among the students at HFA.  
  
"Are there any other questions?" asked Professor McGonagall. No answer, so she turned herself into a cat and stalked out of the room.  
  
"Wait! Where's she going? Isn't she going to teach-" started KazraGirl from Wantingmor.  
  
"Minerva McGonagall... shall not be teaching this lecture today..." said a misty voice in long, drawn out syllables. "She has preferred... to let the wiser, better, Trelawney... teach the class... on Divination...."  
  
"Not you!" cried the Wantingmor Nasha Potter. The rest of the students responded in similar fashion. As part of the Lusters United detainment session, Meir Brin had had the L.U. aide Trelawney with her "u", "ur", "8", "2", and "1" rock garden.  
  
"It shall teach... you... not to use... the Internet slang... in your fanfictions..." the Divination teacher had said. Ally had thought the lesson a good one. Pushing rocks the size of you around a sandy plot of land had been torture. And then to have Trelawney say "On second though... the spirits tell me to move the '2' back where it was before..."  
  
"The wiser, better Trelawney?" asked Andtauriel Longwood from Canonlaw. Ally pitied this student greatly. Crabbe and Goyle, who handled the HFA entrance forms, had not known of Tolkien's Elves. Thus Andtauriel had been condemned to the form of a House Elf, the only type of Elf known in Potterverse.  
  
Though, as rumor had it, Meir Brin had agreed to see what Miss Cam could do for Andtauriel once she came to HFA for Crossover Class. Well, after Meir Brin had collected herself from fits of hysterical laughter, that was.  
  
In the meantime, Andtauriel had been given a pair of stilts and a sign that said "No, I'm Not Dobby. Wrong Elf, Moron.".  
  
"Wiser and better Trelawney, eh?!" said a familiar Scottish accent. McGonagall was back, with Mogonagle and Macgonnalal. "Wiser and better when the rocks melt and the sands run out!"  
  
"I have not... foreseen... my own death, Minerva..." answered Trelawney in a superior voice.  
  
Ally grimaced as McGonagall's face contorted in anger. "Bonzai!!" shrieked the Transfiguration teacher, transforming into a cat and diving at her Divination nemesis.  
  
*********  
  
"I have very sad news for you all," said Meir Brin, looking at the anxious faces in the Aerobics Lair meeting chamber. "'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets' has been released as a movie."  
  
The amphitheater went dead quiet. There was a small snuffling sound in the back of the room as Dobby blew his nose.  
  
"Any suggestions as to our present course of action? The influx of Badfic onto the Internet in the Potterverse category has nearly doubled. We must do something with the fanwriters," said Meir Brin, going over to the large blackboard.  
  
Lucius Malfoy stood and rapped his newly acquired cane on the floor. No one was quite sure where the cane had come from, but apparently Movie Two had altered the Fanwriter Perception so greatly that Lucius now had a cane, as most of the students saw him that way in their minds. As it was, the Canon Characters were not sure if the walking stick was in fact real, or just an illusion.  
  
"Lucius?" said Meir Brin.  
  
"We will kill them all."  
  
"Denied. Next suggestion?"  
  
Dobby raised his hand. "Dobby would like to kill them all as well. Eight fanwriters, Eight! They have come and hugged Dobby in the hallway! Dobby thought that his head would explode, but Dobby fought them off with his knitting-needle-sword," said the little House Elf.  
  
"We cannot kill them. Denied. Next sugge-"  
  
"The rotten brats!" came a loud, angry voice from the entrance of the meeting room. "The rotten, filthy, damnable group!" Severus Snape strode forcefully into the room, looking as if someone had upended the contents of the Hogwarts Lake onto him. He tripped on his wet robes and tumbled down to the center of the amphitheater.  
  
The student-portion of the staff laughed. Even Albus Dumbledore was chuckling slightly under his mustache. Colin jumped up to get a photograph.  
  
"Miserable-"  
  
Meir Brin gripped her Switch of Character Banishment. There were three possible things that would come out of Snape's mouth.  
  
Answer One: "Miserable Harry Potter/Sirius Black/Remus Lupin! Die, Potter/Black/Lupin, die!"  
  
Answer Two: "Miserable Fellowship of the Peeves! Die, Peeves, die!"  
  
Answer Three: "Miserable Original Character! Die, Sue, die!"  
  
"-Fellowship of the Peeves!" spat Severus, wringing the water out of his cloak.  
  
Those of you who picked Answer Number Two receive a Mini-Aragog custom-made finger- (leg-? Talon-? Paw-?) painted postcard.  
  
Fred and George snickered. Meir Brin had recently discovered the existence of a covert alliance between the pranksters of Hogwarts. She guessed that Fred and George were the perpetrators of this action. The Weasley-Peeves alliance had grown strong with all of the fangirls around.  
  
Sure enough, Groirge and Wealey the Mini-Aragogs bounded into the room. "Sev-Sev! Play with us!" they wailed.  
  
The Potionsmaster looked at the small spiders irritably. "Are you common fangirls? My *name* is Severus Snape. Call me anything other than that and I will-"  
  
Too late. The Mini-Aragogs picked him up and scuttled out of the meeting room. "Sev-Sev play! Sev-Sev play!" they squealed delightedly. The situation was about to decay into chaos when everyone in the room snapped to attention. They felt it in the air...  
  
Meir Brin smiled. She could feel the presence of an inter-continuum portal forming. "Methinks Miss Cam is coming, with the Crossover Class." 


	18. A Long Awaited Crossover

Author's Note: If you wish to read of Miss Cam's adventures with her Crossover Class, it can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=950294&chapter=10.  
  
*********  
  
Meir Brin glared menacingly at the twenty students who had been randomly "selected" to attend the Crossover Class, or rather, those who had been kidnapped by the Mini-Aragogs. Borimir the Mini-Baragog and Voldeymort the Mini-Pokegog seemed to have been behind this method of choice. Meir Brin was sure that there were other Crossover twits lurking about, but unfortunately the Fodfather had eaten the student fanfiction records, and refused to cough them up. Actually, Meir Brin was quite glad of his refusal.  
  
"As you are well aware, we are attending OFUM this morning. Now, anyone who attempts to escape, or to glomp... shall meet with the wrath of our new security officer."  
  
Meir Brin gestured to where Dark One Shadowphyre was sitting on the mantel of the giant fireplace behind her. The security guard had recently been hired to HFA after Meir Brin had discovered Aranel and a few other Wantingmors trying to bribe Ludo Bagman into leading them to the staff section.  
  
"Alright. Are we all ready to begin?" asked Meir Brin, picking up what looked like a white box of Chinese take-out food.  
  
Kellie Owens raised her hand tentatively. "How are we getting there?"  
  
Meir Brin appeared to be ignoring her. She opened the box and tossed the contents into the fire, which turned a sick sort of brown color, then settled into an Urple hue. "Foo Powder. One of you idiots created it. We'll be using the fire to get to OFUM."  
  
"I... I..." stuttered Selena Lune. "Must we?"  
  
"Yes, we must." said Meir Brin through gritted teeth. A half-finished Mary Sue had arrived the other day, by the name of Katharine Starlight. Klose, the newly hired Sue-Dispatcher, had made short work of the creature, but the sight of the Sue's head, foot, and right hand floating around and crying "Write me! Write me!" had unhinged Selena Lune of Wantingmor.  
  
"Are we late?" asked Harry Potter.  
  
"No," said Meir Brin looking up to see Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, and Remus Lupin arrive, surrounded by a phalanx of Mini-Aragogs. "Knightsky, please hold on to Catrin Pritchard so that we may avoid glomping this time."  
  
Knightsky nodded and grabbed the back of Catrin's robes. The Wantingmor had been stalking Harry Potter for the past two weeks, and as this was her first day out of the hospital wing (Madam Pomfrey had removed the cuckoo clock from the back of her throat), Meir Brin did not want to deal with another "incident".  
  
"Are they coming with us?" asked Vee, pointing at the three Canon Characters.  
  
"Yes. Consider it further education, fanwriter," snapped Draco.  
  
Meir Brin nodded. "Everyone ready?"  
  
There was a general chorusing of "yes", "no", and "please don't hurt me".  
  
The HFA coordinator grinned. "Very well. OFUM!" she cried to the Foo Powder fire. The group stepped into the grate, and Meir Brin felt the nauseating swirl of Urple and Wilver blend together around her. There was a cackle of laughter, and the world dissolved into a 70's movie drug sequence.  
  
*********  
  
Unforeseen consequences. What a term. Ally waited patiently with the rest of the fanwriters and tried to dig her fingernails into the palm of her hand. Why hadn't the Foo Powder been checked? Giving one antennae and an extra pair of insectoid arms didn't sound like what Foo Powder was supposed to do. She would complain. She had a right to- Oh. That's right. Never mind.  
  
Anyway, OFUM. Ally was very glad that she had never written Lord of the Rings fanfiction. Yes, very glad indeed. It was much bigger than Hogwarts. Perhaps it was because there were more characters, or more students, or more "Mini-Balrogs" wandering around. The lecture hall that they had appeared in was much bigger than anything she had seen at Hogwarts, and the explosion marks and smoldering flames seemed to be unique to OFUM.  
  
"Note to self: Never, ever, ever, travel by Foo Powder. Note to self: Kill fanwriter who created Foo Powder." said Ally, stepping over Mirild Sket, who had passed out when an Elf had stepped into the room.  
  
Ally had meant to tell her that she didn't think it was Legolas, (which in fact it wasn't. It was someone called "Goilfingel". Ally hadn't recognized him. Must not have been important enough to be in the movie), but Mirild Sket had taken one look at the blond hair, and fainted.  
  
Meir Brin was standing near one of the doors, talking with the blond Elf "Goilfingel". Most of the fanwriters were sitting in a circle, bemoaning the fact that they had clicking claws, though Dimond said this might be an advantage when dealing with the Mini-Aragogs. Onyx was pacing in a circle, reciting the lines that Aragog had drilled into her head. Ally went over to speak to her.  
  
"... 'And nothing as fair, under the moon nor stars, as Lady Shelob, kin of great Ungoliant. Aragog humbles himself to say how lovely the fangirl steak did taste, from fair Lady Shelob, Mistress of Cith-Cirth-Cirith-'" Onyx threw up her hands. "Why does Aragog have to write love poetry?! Wouldn't a simple valentine have worked?"  
  
There was a loud voice, speaking a different language in what sounded like a mocking tone. Ally turned quickly. This must be Miss Cam. But... Why couldn't she understand what she was saying?  
  
Marina the Huntress had ducked under a table, mumbling something like "No! The course coordinator cometh!" A few of the others who had gone to OFUM were hiding themselves as well.  
  
The rest of the group, however, clearly had not understood. They looked at each other confusedly as another Elf walked in. Ally recognized this one. It was Elrond from the movie.  
  
Meir Brin looked up from her discussion with "Goilfingel". She walked over to stand in front of the group. "Crossover obstacle one. Here at OFUM, the language of Tolkien is spoken. Westron, not English. You there, under the table, probably never realized that your speech was not English. But in comparison to Potterverse, Westron is foreign."  
  
"How will we understand?" asked Penelope Ross, trying to peel Gilmi the Mini-Balrog off of her without getting burnt.  
  
Miss Cam said something that sounded like "blah blah blah blah translator coming on-line soon."  
  
There was a whirring noise, and the fanwriters looked to where Remus Lupin was holding up a small box. "Good. The translator's been adjusted. Mr. Crouch did a good job with it. We're all speaking the same now." said Remus Lupin from inside his fortress of Mini-Aragogs. Remuse and Emus chortled happily in their whispery voices.  
  
"Now we begin." said Meir Brin, stepping up to the platform and pointing to a wad of cotton. "The One Ring is in there. Harry, have you ever found anything like that?"  
  
Harry Potter walked over to the podium and peered into the ball of cotton. "No. I, err, don't carry gold jewelry around with me."  
  
"But why not? You could be evil? Evil is good... Wait a minute! You're just a little kid! Come on, at least give me an adult to work on!" hissed the One Ring. "I have so much potential! But it's all wasted! Wasted I tell you! I am evil! And they could at least paint this cotton black, I look like a lamb! I'm evil, fear me! Fear me!"  
  
"Yes, of course you are." said Miss Cam, nodding to Frodo. The hobbit picked up the Ring and tucked it into his shirt.  
  
"Next order of business. Let us establish once and for all that Draco Malfoy does *not* have Elvish blood." said Meir Brin.  
  
Lord Elrond strode over to where Draco was sprawled on a bench with Malory and Drikko. The Elf-lord raised an eyebrow. "Of course this is not an Elf. How could such a mistake be made?"  
  
"They think," said Meir Brin, chuckling lightly, "that because he is blond- "  
  
"I am not blond, and I am an Elf. Eowyn is blonde, and she is not an Elf. Clearly, hair color is not the way to classify two peoples." stated Elrond.  
  
"Well put," commented Meir Brin. "Oh, yes. We managed to get these back from Dobby." She pulled a pair of blue silken socks from her pocket and gave them to the Elf-lord.  
  
"Little thief," grumbled Elrond.  
  
Ally gripped the table as a sudden explosion shattered several window panes.  
  
"SAURON!!" came a loud call. "You've enlisted the aide of a deformed orc! Could you sink any LOWER, you lembas-brained upstart Maia?!"  
  
"MORGOTH!! You put water balloons above my doorway, you putrid maggot- encrusted worm!!"  
  
"Optically inept black polka-dotted lizard brain!!"  
  
"Arachnophobic Vala's boy!!"  
  
"Dark Lords. Next on our agenda." commented Meir Brin as two large figures in black crashed through a wall. "Do either of them look like He Who Must Not Be Named?"  
  
Ally looked at the two grappling figures. The one with fragments of red water balloons sticking to the top of its helmet was probably Sauron, and the other, with its hands around the other's throat, that could be Morgoth. She shook her head. No, not Lord Voldemort.  
  
Wait a minute- Did Sauron say water balloons?  
  
Water balloons. Peeves' calling card. Ally suddenly remembered the cackle of laughter she had heard when they had stepped into the fireplace. Oh no.  
  
A shriek of laughter, and Peeves the Poltergeist floated into the room to survey his handiwork. Meir Brin was preparing the Switch of Character Banishment, but Peeves grinned and floated higher above their heads. He launched into song:  
  
"The Elf-lord there, with long, dark hair, Who could it be? It's Elrond! It's Elrond! He's bundles of fun, he's Elrond!"  
  
Ally groaned. The Slinky jingle. Of all melodies to pick, it had to be the Slinky jingle.  
  
Lord Elrond, meanwhile, did not seem to like being referred to as "bundles of fun". Ally did not blame him.  
  
The Dark Lords had rolled back out through the hole they had created. Fortunately for the patience and sanity of everyone, Peeves followed as well, making up some rude limericks as he went.  
  
"Well..." continued Meir Brin. "Next we have Gandalf the White."  
  
Ally jerked her head to look at the blindingly white figure. Gandalf was balancing a plate of biscuits on his hand. "See? They're little Hogwarts!" he said proudly.  
  
"Ooo! Dumbledore!" cried Stephanie Brown happily.  
  
"Give her a cookie." said Meir Brin through clenched teeth.  
  
The next minute Stephanie Brown was bouncing up and down singing the theme from Lord of the Rings with lasagna pouring from her ears. Gandalf bit his lip. "Now why did that happen..."  
  
"A lesson to be learned from 'Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory'." said Miss Cam, who was holding Leagolas the Mini-Balrog with a look of satisfaction on her face.  
  
The Elf "Goilfingel" smiled. "Does anyone else think that Mithrandir is your 'Dumbledore'?"  
  
"No, Mister Goilfingel, sir!" said Ally vehemently.  
  
"Goilfingel?" asked Meir Brin. "This is Glorfindel. Get their names right, idiot."  
  
Ally twitched, and looked nervously at Miss Cam, who was getting into attack mode at the misnomer. Her Paddle of Canon Accuracy looked a lot more brutal than the Switch of Character Banishment. Ally now realized why Onyx spoke of OFUM as such a frightful place.  
  
"Next, we move on to Crossover pairings. Here to show why Remus/Galadriel is not only implausible, but stupid, is Galadriel of Lothlorien." announced Meir Brin, not taking her eyes off Ally.  
  
"But creative pairings are fun," said Catherine Dark Wolf. "It's imaginative, and-"  
  
Catherine Dark Wolf was cut off by a snarl of rage. Galadriel, who was halfway through the entrance arch put a hand to her forehead. Miss Cam jumped to her feet, and Meir Brin turned pale. Silver strands of moonlight were falling through the hole left by Sauron and Morgoth. And Remus Lupin was turning into a werewolf. 


	19. Go Fish at The Whinging Scab

Redfire was peeved. "That's it! I'm never going out on *field trips*! Never, ever, ever! And I'm never, ever, ever going to write fanfiction again! No crossovers, no fluff, no yummy Draco-"  
  
"Redfire, I don't think that's-" Ally began, running out of the fireplace after her friend and making for the grand staircase. Surprisingly enough, Ally could understand Redfire's bad move. Glorfindel (*not* Goilfingel, she reminded herself) had suggested using a fangirl to bait Peeves into coming back so that he could be captured and returned to HFA.  
  
Redfire had been very unlucky to be the bait. That coupled with the mad werewolf chasing the students was enough to try anyone's patience. In fact, many of the Remus-lusters were questioning their lust-object commitment. Stephanie Brown had already converted to Tom Riddle-worship.  
  
"-I've had enough! This is not worth it, and I definitely don't want to think about what would have happened if Dark One Shadowphyre hadn't transformed into a cage-"  
  
"Redfire! If they hear you- " Ally was also aware of the new "no ranting in the hallways" rule. Only yesterday Jocelyn had complained about the lack of Book Five. Which is not a wise thing to do, as the Headmistress was known to be touchy on that subject.  
  
"And if Harry and Draco hadn't stunned Lupin-"  
  
"Uh, Redfire... I don't think you should be ranting in the hallway..."  
  
"-And what-'is-snout, Carcharoth hadn't driven Lupin into the grate-" There was a heavy sort of thud. Redfire had walked directly into Lucius Malfoy. And that is not a favorable first impression, especially when one is hoping to become married to said person's son. "Oh. Oh."  
  
If there is one thing Lucius Malfoy does not like, it is a whiner. He was therefore not pleased to find two fangirls complaining about their sorry state of existence in the hallways, not looking where they were going, and bumping into innocent Death Eaters who were minding their own business.  
  
It was this that prompted the conjuring of live, angry wolverines from the said Death Eater's wand.  
  
*********  
  
Evenings in Aerobics Lair... Very peaceful, if you didn't mind the blood feuds which seemed to be on the brink of escalating into full-out violence. Meir Brin sat in the Whinging Scab, the HFA pub, clutching her tankard of Butterbeer happily. She agreed most definitely with Miss Cam; the Crossover Experiment had been successful.  
  
Well, except for the Peeves incident. But that was nothing a good tranquilizer gun hadn't been able to fix, right? Meir Brin smiled and cast her gaze over the length of the Whinging Scab, to see what the Canon characters were up to.  
  
At a small table across the room, Ron Weasley and Lord Voldemort senior were playing chess. It was also fairly apparent the Lord Voldemort was not winning.  
  
"Knight to B7," said Ron, watching Voldemort's bishop burst into smithereens.  
  
"You cheat! You *so* cheat! Knight's can't jump over pawns!" cried the Dark Lord angrily, banging his mug of Unicorn blood on the table.  
  
"Actually," said Hermione, coming to sit down next to Ron, "they can. Knights are the only pieces on the board that can move through the other chess pieces. Rather convenient, don't you think?" she said, opening her embossed and illuminated copy of "Hogwarts: A History".  
  
"No! No, no, no! You're cheating too!" said Lord Voldemort angrily, moving to cast an Unforgivable Curse on the students. Dark Lords are touchy when they can't get their way. Fortunately the incident was averted by the intervention of one Ludo Bagman.  
  
"Ooo! Ooo! I make four! We have enough people for 'Go Fish'!" said Bagman's happy voice, dropping a pack of playing cards onto the chessboard, and subsequently messing up the entire game.  
  
"I'm not going to play with Him again," said Ron, getting up. "He's a sore loser."  
  
"Him who?" asked Ludo eagerly.  
  
"Lord Vold... Harry!!" Ron yelled, his face going white.  
  
"That's good, Ron. You've got one syllable out today. Only two more to go, and the name will have no power over you. 'Vold-e-mort'. Come on, say it..." coaxed Harry, walking away from the Dark Lord with his friend.  
  
"Vvvv..."  
  
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named smirked. "I'm still the darkest Dark Lord here! They can't say my name! They fear me! Fear..."  
  
"Actually," said Hermione once again, looking up from her book, "I don't think it's fear, more that they can't pronounce it. I mean, you could have chosen a name that would be easier to say, such as 'Lord Reallybad' or 'Lord Gunnakillyu'. Your current title is rather tongue-tying."  
  
"I try, you know! You can only spell only so many words with 'Marvolo'!" Voldemort whined.  
  
Meir Brin chuckled and returned to her paperwork. "Magical Heredity and You" was set to start up soon, or at least as soon as Remus Lupin was human again. As they were hoping to import a full-blooded Giantess to aide with the demonstrations, there were many Customs papers to be filled out first.  
  
"GO FISH!!" yelled Lord Voldemort triumphantly. "Go fish! Go fish!" he called happily, jumping up and doing the Voldemort Happy Dance. Anyone who has ever seen a Peanuts comic in which Snoopy does his "Suppertime" dance would have recognized the Dark Lord's prancing.  
  
Who would have thought? Lord Voldemort, a closet Snoopy fan.  
  
Meanwhile, in a quiet corner of the pub, Molly Weasley and Dobby were knitting a "Thou Shalt Not Glomp" banner. Lily Potter was also there, along with Albus Dumbledore, who were both being given knitting lessons from Molly Weasley. Albus Dumbledore appeared to be having the time of his life.  
  
Peter Pettigrew was sitting in the corner, surrounded by a group of lovey fangirls. Meir Brin found this more than unusual, because there were no Pettigrew-lusters at HFA. (Actually, she doubted that there were any Pettigrew-lusters in the world).  
  
It was then that Meir Brin had discovered the cologne that Pettigrew had found, something called "Loveratus".  
  
Peter had confided to her about the stuff, and presumed it to be another FCS (fan-created spell). It seemed that the Ironic Overpower had translated "Loveratus" as "Love Rattus rattus", "Rattus rattus" being, of course, the scientific term for "rat".  
  
Thus Peter Pettigrew now had several new lusters. If you looked really closely at the fangirls, namely San Carpenter the Insane and Agent AAA of Wantingmor, you could see the horror in their eyes. But Meir Brin wouldn't interfere. It was too much fun to watch.  
  
Time crawled by, farther into the evening. Classes again tomorrow, so several of the Canon characters were turning in early. Meir Brin was just leaving when an almighty yell rent the air.  
  
"GO FISH, You-Know-You!!" cried Ludo Bagman.  
  
Followed by an almighty wail:  
  
"Why do I never wiiiiiinnnnnnn?" 


	20. In Which We Discover that Quidditch is N...

"I personally like it. It adds a sort of 'Happy Christmas, but remember that we're still in charge and will make your life miserable if you even THINK about it' feeling..." said Meir Brin, surveying the Generic Holiday Tree that Hagrid and Aragog had set up in the Great Hall with approval.  
  
"An' th'little Mini-h'Aragogs decorated it themselves, bless them," added Hagrid, pointing out the cobweb ornaments dotting the giant pine.  
  
"It's charming," said Meir Brin, looking at Belphegor and Morchaint, who were both trussed up by their ankles and hanging from some of the higher branches. "They have nice taste in colors."  
  
"I must be leaving now, I am afraid," said Aragog, walking slowly towards the doorway, and feeling ahead of him with his front legs. "Mosag is still not happy about Shelob and Ungoliant. I must think about my commitments..."  
  
Hagrid leaned over to Meir Brin and whispered: "Quite nasty littl'break-up he's goin' through, Aragog. Mosag's none too 'appy 'bout 'im cheatin' on 'er wi'Shelob."  
  
Meir Brin nodded. An arachnid love triangle was a scary thing indeed.  
  
*********  
  
Ally shivered and rubbed her hands together briskly, trying to bring a little warmth into her chilled frame. She felt as if her blood had frozen into little ice cubes. Why, oh why did "Quidditch is Not for Everyone" have to start up as soon as the weather went below freezing? Dumb question.  
  
Most of the students were wearing heavy wool and their cloaks, except for the Harry- and Oliver-lusters, who were trying to impress their lust-object with tube tops and short-beyond-reason shorts. They were all a nice shade of blue from the cold.  
  
Ally grimaced. She had more sense than to glomp Harry, especially when he was on his Firebolt and several feet above her. Also, the Fodfather was nearby, and she didn't want him after her.  
  
Ah, yes, the Fodfather. He had recently gone through his "Italian Cuisine Phase", and was sporting a fresh coat of spaghetti and meatballs. The baguette that served as a tail was thumping on the ground happily, and the Caesar salad that decorated his neck had been spiced up with a few croutons. The twin Martini-glasses that protruded from his head as ears chinked together as he paced in front of the fanwriters, causing the little olives on toothpicks floating in the glasses to bob up and down.  
  
"All right, all of you are here," said Oliver Wood, sitting on his broomstick and holding the attendance list. "Welcome to 'Quidditch is Not for Everyone'. Too many times have you written about coming to Hogwarts, jumping on a broomstick, and being an expert flyer. Even though Harry over here," he gestured to the other lecturer, who was zooming around the Quidditch Pitch, chasing snowflakes, "is a natural Quidditch player and fantastic Seeker, you do not necessarily have the talent. Now, do we have any volunteers?"  
  
Hermione8meg was jumping up and down on the balls of her feet, waving her hand wildly above her head. A drop of drool was running down her chin. "Pick me! Pick me! I love you, Oliver!"  
  
Oliver Wood looked quite stunned. But he was not stupid. No one wanted an airborne luster after himself or herself, even if there was only a 2.63% chance that said luster would be able to actually stay on the broomstick. "Ah... How about you?"  
  
Europa, Marina the Huntress, Mika Sei, Nathonea Dewstan, Amber, and Alanna Roseguard all pointed to themselves and mouthed "Me?" while getting cloudy eyes at the thought of zooming around Hogwarts and impressing their various lust-objects and Canon-idols.  
  
"No," said Oliver, maneuvering his broom a little lower, "you."  
  
He was pointing directly at Ally. Hermione8meg looked to be about to have a breakdown. Ally felt sick. Sure, her Original Character was a good flyer, but the broomsticks were so high up, and the ground looked so hard...  
  
"Now, here's the broom. Call it to your hand." said Oliver, tossing a broomstick to the ground at Ally's feet.  
  
"Up?" she said, remembering the scene in the movie.  
  
The broom twitched slightly, and then stood up in a scene reminiscent of "The Magician's Apprentice" from Fantasia. It started to trace letters in the snow.  
  
"T...R...Y... A...G...A...I...N... S...U...C...K...E...R." spelled Ally, blushing crimson as she understood the message.  
  
Oliver Wood grinned. "Not as easy, is it?"  
  
"Meeee!!" wailed Hermione8meg.  
  
Harry flew over to the assembly, and looked to see what the broom had wrought. "Err, why don't we let them all try? I'd like to get at least some of them off the ground this lesson."  
  
And thus it all began. Penelope Ross was the next to attempt flight. She had the broom hovering a couple feet above the ground before Eibbor Nakrus distracted her by throwing a snowball. Ally narrowed her eyes. Eibbor Nakrus had been recruited by Peeves to join his Fellowship, along with Rex Natos. They were now going around and painting the walls yellow, in an effort to "dignify the forgotten virtues of Hufflepuff House". Ally suspected that it was actually a ploy to bring the Fat Friar out of hiding, so that Peeves could prank him.  
  
The Fat Friar, Dudley, and Vernon Dursley had all formed the Obese Character Union, in an effort to end all fat jokes in fanfiction. They had been all right with the Canon taunting, but the fanwriters had taken it to a new level, or as Dudley put it, "I'm only known for my weight! I'm a mean, spiteful bully, but this doesn't matter because I'm chubby! Why can't these fanwriters see me for the spoiled brat that I truly am? I'm more than just an overweight slob!"  
  
Terra actually made a bit of progress on the Broomstick From Hell. She had the broom in her hands, and had actually managed to get on it and hover a bit, but then her muscles gave way. Not surprisingly, considering that Professor Trelawney had kidnapped her to work on the Textitus Rock Garden. Terra was so exhausted after moving "O.o"s and "ne way"s around in circles, it was a miracle that she was still standing.  
  
"Pick meeeee..." moaned Hermione8meg, sinking into the snow. "I want to flyyyyy..."  
  
Oliver sighed. "Fine, Miss 8meg. Your turn."  
  
"Goodygoodygoody!" she squealed, nearly knocking into the Fodfather, who lost one of his olives as he stepped out of the way. Grandmomma Longlegs picked it up out of the snow and dropped it back into his Martini for him.  
  
Ally had a very bad feeling. This was not going to be pretty.  
  
Surprisingly, Hermione8meg started out well enough. The broom floated into her hands, though Ally expected that it was resisting all the way. *Behold, the power of hormones* Ally thought.  
  
In a few minutes, Hermione8meg was airborne, though the broomstick was bucking and jiggling around in an annoyed fashion. Oliver looked as if he was torn between conjuring a mattress or a stockade between himself and the luster. She was about four meters off the ground when hormones interfered with her better senses.  
  
"Oliver!! I love you!!" screamed Hermione8meg, speeding towards him and -in a very stupid action- taking her arms off the broomstick.  
  
She fell eight meters and landed on Hayre and Jaems, who dragged her off to the Forbidden Forest to be "decorated". Ally had a suspicious feeling that she would probably turn up later.  
  
...Tied up by her ankles and dangling from the Generic Holiday Tree, that is.  
  
*********  
  
Author's Note: Once again I would like to thank you all for reading, and would like to wish you all 'Happy Holidays'. If there are certain characters that you would like to hear more about, please leave a review. I'm always open to suggestions.  
  
I suppose I must clarify. This does not mean "More Draco! More Draco! I LUUUUVVV HIM!!!111" Trust me; your lust-objects will be well covered. I'm thinking more along the lines of the secondary characters that we either love because they are lots of fun (i.e. Gilderoy Lockhart) or love to hate (i.e. Rita Skeeter).  
  
So once again, if you have any suggestions, comments, or thoughts, please let me know. Tell me what you want more of (i.e. 'The Fellowship of the Peeves', 'The Fodfather', etc.), or what just doesn't do it for you. Your comments are all appreciated.  
  
Cheers, Meir Brin 


	21. In Which We Discover that HFA Isn't So B...

Three days after Christmas, Ally found herself sitting in the Library with Redfire, Danica Maupoissant, Michelle Solo, and Bre, bemoaning the fact that the Christmas holidays would soon be over and they would have to go back to classes.  
  
Ally pulled a book off the shelves and flipped through the pages lightly. Christmas had come and gone, and she still wasn't any closer to Harry Potter than when she had first gotten arrived.  
  
Danica Maupoissant was holding a bottle of Elven wine, looking at the label dejectedly. "I wanted Elven wine! From 'Lord of the Rings'! Not House Elf wine." House Elf wine -brewed from socks and laundry detergent. Eww.  
  
Andtauriel Longwood hobbled by on her stilts. "Can I have it?" she asked. Miss Cam had come and gone on the Crossover trip, and left the Hobbit/House Elf student as she was. Lessons this good about the dangers of mixing continuums were hard to come by.  
  
Danica Maupoissant tossed the Andtauriel Longwood the bottle, and looked longingly at Bre's firewhiskey. Bre passed her the beverage. It wasn't very good anyway, as HFA policy was generally a "No Alcohol or We'll See How You Like It Washing Dishes at The Whinging Scab" rule, and therefore the firewhiskey had been watered down considerably into a kind of smoky broth. The students of HFA had now posted a reward for capture and disposal of the HFA Customs Crew (Crabbe and Goyle).  
  
Ally looked up suddenly as the sound of many footsteps pounded past the entrance to the library. Her first thought was "Remus-/Draco-Stampede" followed closely by "Mini-Aragog Massacre". But it was neither of the two. Instead, it was something that none of the fanwriters had hoped for in their wildest dreams.  
  
"All fanwriters please report to the Entrance Hall. All fanwriters, to the Entrance Hall. Now, or Klose will be taking you with her on her next visit to the Isle of Drear," came the voice of Professor McGonagall over the loud- speaker type system that had been used in Chamber of Secrets.  
  
"What do they want now?" asked Michelle Solo, gathering up her books.  
  
"More Christmas presents?" suggested Redfire, remembering the towel that each of them had received from the HFA staff. Apparently, the towel (embroidered with small spiders) was for excess drool.  
  
"Dunno. We should be going, anyway," replied Ally, leading the party down the corridor to the Entrance Hall. She did not want to be anywhere near the Isle of Drear, whatever that was.  
  
There was quite a crowd. Ally pushed past GwendolynMorgan and Mercuria Stardust (both of Slashering) and found some of the Canonlaws. Houses at HFA generally got along well, with the possible exception of Lusterbuff and Slashering, who were constantly at each other's throats. ("Harry and Draco are *too* gay!" "My Draco would never! I love him!!")  
  
"What's up?" asked Ally, when she recognized Catherine Dark Wolf as looking a bit more knowledgeable than the rest of the group.  
  
"I heard that Fred and George have a gift for us!" she said, excitedly.  
  
"And this is good, how?" Ally had little faith that there were "good gifts" for the fanwriters at HFA. Or at least that those gifts would come from Fred and George Weasley  
  
The crowd quieted down. Ally looked at the up at the big stairway and instantly saw why. Her heart skipped. This couldn't be real, could it?  
  
Descending the stairs was Mr. Ollivander, accompanied by Fred, George, and Ludo Bagman. They were all carrying a great deal of small boxes, stacked like a 'Jenga' game. Mr. Ollivander leaned over and deposited the boxes on a step. A hush fell over the crowd.  
  
Fred Weasley pulled out a long roll of parchment. "Selena Luna. Ash wood and Unicorn Hair, twelve inches."  
  
Selena Luna rushed up the steps, and grabbed the box that Ludo Bagman offered to her. She opened the box, and took out -a wand! *It's real, not some sick joke of the Canon Characters!* thought Ally excitedly. Selena Luna gave the stick a wave, and several sparks shot out. Whispers among the fanwriters grew. A few of the students that had put down "Muggle" as their lineages were fidgeting with jealousy. Magic, they would be doing magic at Hogwarts!  
  
"KazraGirl," said Fred. "Birch wood and Unicorn Hair, eleven inches." KazraGirl got her wand and skipped out of the hallway, making a beeline for the library and all the Silencing Spells she could get her hands on.  
  
Thirty wands later, Fred got to a name that created a bit of a stir. "Nasha Potter," said Fred. The Muggle fanwriters whispered excitedly. Nasha Potter was a Muggle. Now they would see if they could get wands as well. The Muggle populace held their breath...  
  
"Oak and Unicorn Hair, thirteen inches, Ipiopius coated."  
  
Cheers from the Muggle fanwriters! They didn't know what Ipiopius was (probably some FCS spell. Sounded like one), but they didn't care. They were getting wands, too!  
  
"Ipiopius is something we have recently discovered Lurking in the plumbing. Type of mold, it seems. Through much experimentation, we have found a way to impart temporary powers onto the Muggle portion of HFA. Enjoy it, while you can," laughed Mr. Ollivander. Harry had been right. He *was* creepy.  
  
And so that night, three days after Christmas, Ally and all the fanwriters of went to sleep clutching their new treasures. In a few weeks they would realize what exactly their wands could do, but until that time came they were content to sleep, with visions of lust-objects dancing in their heads.  
  
*********  
  
Meanwhile, in Aerobics Lair, Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape were opening the last of their presents under the Generic Holiday Tree.  
  
"Another pair!" groaned Draco, tossing the garment into a pile. "This has got to be the seventh pair of black silk boxers they've gotten me!"  
  
"The ninth," corrected Meir Brin, who was watching the process with some amusement. "I've been keeping a tally."  
  
Severus Snape looked up through his curtain of greasy hair. "I have lost count of my total."  
  
Meir Brin glanced at her list. "You have eleven pairs of black silk boxers, four pairs of green silk boxers, ten bottles of 'Herbal Essences Shampoo', and one kitten."  
  
"Riaow," said Salazar the kitten, a gift from Grandmomma Longlegs.  
  
"This is so demeaning," sighed Professor Snape.  
  
"Cheer up, Sevvie!" said Gilderoy Lockhart from the sofa. "I only got a muzzle from the fanwriters! You're famous! Did I ever tell you that fame is a fickle friend?"  
  
"Tell *me* how fame is a fickle friend," said Rita Skeeter, who was curled up on the sofa next to Lockhart. Meir Brin turned around quickly. Skeeter had met Lockhart about five days ago, and the two were now in love. Meir Brin didn't know how this had happened, but, for reasons to preserve her own sanity, really didn't want to know.  
  
Hermione walked by the Generic Holiday Tree, carrying her embossed version of "Hogwarts: A History". Severus Snape looked up from his eleventh bottle of shampoo. "Granger, do you have your notes written up yet?" he asked in one of his more pleasant tones.  
  
"Oh, yes," she said, pulling a sheaf of parchment out from between the pages of her book. "Here it is. 'Seven thousand reasons why Severus Snape and I would never "Get it on"'."  
  
Meir Brin snorted into her butterbeer.  
  
Draco looked up from his fifth "Slytherin Bad Boy" muscle shirt. "Do you have our list written up?" he asked.  
  
"Yes," said Hermione, pulling out another stack of papers. "Seven thousand reasons why I'm not a..." she coughed loudly. "Why do they think I breed with every male at this school? Until the next book comes out, they should at least keep to plausible speculation!"  
  
Viktor Krum hurried over to where Hermione was on the verge of having a major rant-fest. "It's alright, Hermy-own-ninny," he said in his thick Bulgarian accent.  
  
Hermione took a few deep breaths and walked off hand-in-hand with Viktor. Victor, Krum's personal Mini-Aragog, followed behind them.  
  
Meir Brin surveyed the large room, and smiled in spite of herself. Lord Voldemort Senior, Tom Riddle, and Lord Voldemort Junior (LVJ) were removing snow-encrusted scarves after taking LVJ for a ride in his baby-buggy, all the time arguing enthusiastically. Remus and Sirius were poking Peter Pettigrew in the back of the head with an elongated candy cane while the turncoat wrote a formal apology to Bertha Jorkins. Stan Shunpike was teaching Fleur Delacour how to "spit like a man".  
  
And near the fireplace, Harry Potter was spending time with Lily and James. No one was disturbing them, under threat of Mini-Aragog Yo-Yo duty. Christmas was a time for family and friends, and even HFA wouldn't go against that.  
  
*********  
  
Happy Holidays, everyone. See? HFA isn't such a rotten place after all. ^_^  
  
Oh, and yes, I do think Gilderoy/Rita *is* plausible (to some extent). He wants publicity; she wants dirt on a celebrity. Anyone who writes a Gilderoy/Rita romance will receive both my respect (for going where no fanwriter has gone before {well, after my suggestion, anyway}) and The HFA Award for Originality.  
  
Cheers to you all, Meir Brin 


	22. Fundamentals of Fluff and Other Stuff

Madam Hooch pointed at the chart posted to the wall and smiled grimly. "A bit of a shame, really. If Lupin's forward had managed to guard the offensive's left flank he might have beat Potter. Still, I suppose you can't blame the Mini-Aragog if his coach was gibbering under the table all throughout the match."  
  
Meir Brin nodded, smiling at the memory of yesterday's paintball match. True, the actual game hadn't been anything to write home about, but the aftermath had been very enjoyable. She sighed in a contented manner. So many students to punish, so little time. Neshomeh, Rhiannon, and Kristin had been given the task of scrubbing the Quidditch Pitch free of Tantaflaf after they had tried to use their wands to Banish Ulric and Zambini the Mini-Aragogs from the Wantingmor Common Room.  
  
"...So, we have one more game before the Semi-finals roll around. I certainly hope Trelawney has been training those Minis of hers, instead of trying to 'fuse their inner being with spiritual whimsy', as Minerva so sarcastically puts it," continued Hooch, checking the next competitors.  
  
Meir Brin snapped out of her reverie. "Yes, of course." She looked at the chart. "Actually, I think Trelawney's been training her name-mistakes in the Textitus Rock Garden. I saw Trawleny bench-pressing a 'gr8t' just yesterday."  
  
Madam Hooch chuckled grimly. "And did you see Amber trying to hot-wire one of the paintball-blasters yesterday? Ever since those fanwriters received wands they seem to believe themselves invincible."  
  
The coordinator tapped her lip thoughtfully. "No, I didn't. I will add her to my 'To Punish' list. Seems to be getting longer everyday. I have Lyssie St. Cloud down for some Mini-Aragog grooming, and after that some of the Slasherings are due to make Severus a new cauldron from Selaria. He was most displeased when C-Chan tried to give him a bath in his old one."  
  
"C-Chan? She's the one that's only yea big?" asked the Flying Coach, holding her hands about a foot apart.  
  
"Yes, Crabbe and Goyle interpreted 'Faerie' as 'Pixie', I think." Meir Brin smiled. "They really do quite a good job with the HFA Customs. I have never seen the students look so downtrodden than when those two mess up their luxury items."  
  
Hooch laughed brazenly, startling Loopen, who was still recovering under the table from his four consecutive Tantaflaf hits. Harry Potter had truly trounced Remus' Mini-Aragogs. Madam Hooch grinned again and said: "And their wands! Have they even begun to suspect...?"  
  
Meir Brin laughed outright. "They have no idea."  
  
*********  
  
Ally walked into Fundamentals of Fluff holding her new wand happily. Eleven inches, unicorn hair, and willow wood. Perfect. She took her seat in the middle of the room (only the insane ones sat up front, they were more likely to be Volunteered as demonstrators up there). As this was their first class of the new semester, Ally was very eager to begin.  
  
It was strange, Ally thought, that this little stick on the table in front of her gave her such confidence. Of course, she hadn't been able to actually work a spell yet, just some blue sparks. It was a good feeling, though, that she at least had a bit of protection if the Canon Characters gave them field study in the Forbidden Forest.  
  
The door opened once again and the Wantingmors filed into the room, taking seats in the back. San Carpenter the Insane waved happily to her and pointed to her wand. As she had said, "I have know idea" as wand measurements when filling out the enrollment form, it had taken on the appearance of a rather fuzzy worm. San had even claimed that it had moved once.  
  
"Settle down, everyone," said a voice from the head of the room. Ally whipped her head around, wondering whom it was. No one was ever quite sure who was teaching the classes until they arrived there themselves, so Ally was very anxious to see if their lecturer was Harry Potter.  
  
Right church wrong pew. Lily Potter walked up to the podium, followed by James. A couple seats up Europa wondered to Nathonea Dewstan if they were starting with Marauder-Era fics.  
  
Lily smiled, though there was a hard look in her green eyes. Ally had the impression that Lily knew exactly what they had done to her and her husband in their stories, and wouldn't be forgetting it anytime soon. "No, Miss Europa, we are not here to lecture about our romance at Hogwarts."  
  
"Though we would like to make it clear that we did not start 'making-out' as first-years," James put in, resting a hand on Lily's shoulder.  
  
"Goodness no! We would have been only eleven then, wouldn't we?" she asked James, not taking her eyes off of several Lusterbuffs.  
  
James nodded, and looked over his glasses at the fanwriters. When they were squirming sufficiently in their seats he let up his gaze. "Where are the others? I would have thought them here by now?" asked Prongs, glancing at his watch.  
  
The side-door suddenly burst open, and a female voice called "Just a minute! Someone's being-- difficult!" Ally and the rest of the fanwriters leaned to their left to see who was coming. Newmoon was bouncing in her seat chanting "Fawkes, Fawkes, Fawkes, Fawkes...".  
  
"I'm not teaching it! He can take care of himself, he doesn't need *my* interference!" came a male voice, protesting and -by the sound of it- digging his fingernails into the stone wall.  
  
"You remember those stories that involved him and my--" argued the female voice.  
  
"ALL RIGHT."  
  
James Potter turned to Lily bemusedly and raised an eyebrow. Lily shrugged and leaned on the podium, giving KazraGirl a hard look. There was a series of loud thumping noises that seemed to grow in volume, and then Lucius Malfoy strode into the room, banging his psychological cane on the floor. After him hurried Molly Weasley, prodding him in the back with a frying pan in case he had second thoughts.  
  
Sallah stood up in shock. "You mean, we're going to be taught romance from the lovers' *mothers*?!"  
  
"And fathers," added James and Lucius simultaneously. Lucius smiled nastily and looked her square in the eyes. "Unless you have a problem with that?"  
  
Sallah gulped and sat down.  
  
"Now," began Lily Potter. "How many of you have written romance about our children?" About three-quarters of the class raised hands, though some did so tentatively, as if expecting an axe to sweep above the classroom and chop all of their hands off.  
  
"How lovely," said Molly Weasley, her grin becoming fixed.  
  
"Now, we have compiled a list of the pairings that we see most often," continued Lily, pulling out a list. "Harry and Hermione, Ron and Hermione, Draco and Hermione, Ginny and Hermione-"  
  
Molly Weasley ground her teeth in a threatening manner and pulled a skein of yarn from her pocket, as if threatening to garret anyone who dared write such about her daughter.  
  
"My, my son?! With a *Mudblood*?!" screech Lucius. Lily gave him a death stare, which the Death Eater matched (that's the thing about being a Death Eater, Ally thought. You give very good Death Stares). Lucius growled. James punched him in the gut.  
  
"Don't even think about my wife that way," rumbled James.  
  
Lily cleared her throat, and continued. "Harry and Ginny, Draco and Ginny- Molly, kindly put those knives away- Harry and Draco, -Lucius, what did James tell you?- Harry and Ron, and Draco and Ron. In other words, take these five children and mix-and-match in whatever way you see fit. Lucius, it's your turn," said Lily, putting the list away.  
  
Lucius stomped up to the lectern and narrowed his eyes, as if what he was about to say caused him great pain. "Unfortunately," he paused and drew a labored breath, "We cannot *stop* you from writing this."  
  
At this announcement, the Lusterbuffs and several of the Slasherings stood up and clapped. Mercuria Stardust was jumping up and down, yelling "Yes! Yes! It's okay! I knew it!" while Antigra slumped in her chair sullenly.  
  
"But," said Lucius Malfoy, his cold eyes glittering. "We can be very... persuasive... if need be." He pulled his wand from the psychologically manifested cane and held it in his hands against the podium. "Just because our Canon is incomplete-"  
  
Kellie Owens raised a hand uncertainly. "Uh, what is Canon?"  
  
Molly Weasley cocked her head to the side in a disbelieving manner. "You mean you've been at HFA for half of a year and *still* do not know what Canon is?"  
  
"Meep," said Kellie, sinking into her chair so far that only her eyes peeked out over the desk.  
  
"Canon is our story," said James Potter, spreading his arms dramatically. "Canon is the rules by which we live, the books, the plotlines, the story. Canon is what makes us, protects us, and what as a fanwriter you must respect. Our Canon maintains us, and holds our world together. Now, if our Canon was to be broken-"  
  
"Such as by Badfic, or those Vambiolatos, the, what do you call them again?" asked Lily.  
  
"Mary Sues," supplied Molly Weasley.  
  
"Mary Sues," repeated Lily.  
  
"We would all be cast adrift, characters without a story, you see. And that is why we must educate you," concluded James. "So that you do not break our Canon with your Badfic."  
  
Lucius waved a hand impatiently, and James Potter took a step back politely. "In any case, since our Canon is incomplete, we cannot prevent these tales. We ourselves could be entirely different in the next installment."  
  
Lily nodded. "I'm underdeveloped myself."  
  
"Now, for our first lesson," said Molly Weasley, stepping forward to the podium, "Let us discuss 'Ginny/Draco', as I am told you put these 'pairings'."  
  
"I do not like 'Ginny/Draco'," said Lucius Malfoy menacingly. "But... We cannot stop this, so we will try for plausibility."  
  
"My daughter, Ginny, is not some sort of scarlet woman. She must know that Draco will be a good boyfriend before ever going on a date with him." Molly Weasley stared beadily at Lucius, and it was plain to Ally that Mrs. Weasley doubted that any Malfoy could do any such thing. "The first step to romance is to know your characters, their attitudes, and their behaviors. We will begin with my little girl. Now, Lily will lead us in diagramming the character of Ginny Weasley..."  
  
And thus the fanwriters spent the next hour copying notes on Ginny/Draco, never daring to look up, as Lucius was pacing the room in a manner that suggested that he was looking for victims. Ally felt her hand cramp up as she began writing on how Ginny and Draco viewed each other at the present, and how those views might be compromised. A lull settled over the fanwriters, with only the scratching of a quill and the sound of Lily's voice filling the classroom.  
  
*This is really boring* thought Ally. *Where's the steamy romance? I wish something would happen.*  
  
Coincidentally, something did happen at that moment. Sallah, Chibigreen, C- Chan, and Mercuria Stardust (all from Slashering) jumped to their feet and pointed their wands each at a different teacher. "Imperio!!" they all shouted together. "Your sons are lesbians! Teach us slash!"  
  
The whole of Lusterbuff house got to their feet in protest. But it was pointless. The four parents were laughing heartily, not the least bit affected. Lucius was laughing so hard on James' shoulder that tears were streaming down his cheeks.  
  
"First of all, -snort- you- you- think it's that easy to -hahahaha- Imperio' someone? Not to mention -heeheehee!- us?!" laughed Lucius Malfoy, slapping his leg and sniggering insanely.  
  
The four Slasherings looked stunned, and glanced at their wands. They shook them, and a couple sparks fell out.  
  
"Haven't you even noticed that your wands are only sticks? Charmed only to emit sparks? That they don't even work?" chuckled James Potter.  
  
A collective cry went up from the fanwriters. Ally felt tears come to her eyes, and Onyx was wailing at the top of her lungs. How would they pass their classes without protection? Would they even survive that long?  
  
Ally moaned mentally. *I need an aspirin...* 


	23. Dreams, Schemes, and Cultivating Kuswort

It was dark when Ally crawled out of bed that Wednesday morning. Lightning lashed its forked tongue outside through the blizzard, casting bizarre shadows through the curtains of her four-poster bed. Ally moaned and rubbed her back, looking to see if any of the other girls in her dorm were awake. Nope, still sleeping.  
  
*It's okay... If I don't think about... it...*  
  
She padded down the stairs into the Canonlaw (or Ravenclaw, for those purely interested in the architectural layout of Hogwarts) Common Room, and checked over her Bane of Filch essay one last time. Fred and George had been teaching them how slapstick comedy resulted in the ideal prank, and had demonstrated this by causing Terra to grow antlers, then fins, then gills, all in slow motion. Ally shuddered inwardly. Were all the classes meant to cause panic to the students?  
  
*Stupid!* cried Ally mentally. *You *know* that the classes are meant to be painful! Shut up! Do you want the Ironic Over-Power after you?*  
  
The Ironic Over-Power, which had been previously hovering next to Ally with two fingers in its mouth with which to summon Peeves, turned away and snapped its fingers dejectedly. There cannot be irony if the victim already *knows* that there will be irony.  
  
"G'morning," said Molly W, coming down from the dorms. "Is there any cocoa left?"  
  
"Confiscated by Ron Weasley for 'Numeric Mesopotamian Field Study'."  
  
"Coffee?"  
  
"The Mini-Aragogs learned what power caffeine has over sugar-high'd authors and took it to run experiments on."  
  
"Tea?"  
  
"The Bloody Baron stole it to woo Moaning Myrtle with."  
  
"Orange juice?!"  
  
"Penelope Ross used the last bit up trying to make Alka-Seltzer and polish that toaster of hers."  
  
"Water?!?!?!"  
  
"Do you want to create a Punctuation Downpour?!" cried Ally. Molly W clapped a hand over her mouth and clutched at her useless wand. Ally bent back over her Bane of Filch essay and replied, "But no, there is no water left. Europa needed the last bit after Brin made her work with the HERAA. You know, the House-Elf Recording Artist Association."  
  
Molly W looked concerned and sat down next to Ally. "What's that all about?"  
  
"Europa tried to sneak into the Headmistress' office and, you know, the Mini-Aragogs caught her," said Ally, putting her quill back into her book bag. "So Brin looked through her student records and it said 'singing with Elves'..."  
  
Molly W put a hand over her mouth. "Chumdeleidalalala..."  
  
Ally nodded. "I only just got away."  
  
It was then that Andtauriel Longwood came down the stairs; having abandoned her stilts after Nevil the Mini-Aragog had tripped her while running to The Commitment of Evilness. "Is it time for class?" she yawned, climbing into the chair next to them.  
  
"No, we've got an hour before breakfast," replied Molly W, checking the luminous chronometer hanging from the ceiling. Percy Weasley had installed one in every Common room to ensure that no one was ever late to class. "But wait, Ally, you were there? I heard the Lusters United disbanded?"  
  
"No, this wasn't an L.U. thing. Everyone just wants to get a hold of Book Five, so..."  
  
"Did you get it?" asked Andtauriel, her squeaky House Elf voice rising even higher.  
  
"No." Ally hung her head and jutted her chin out angrily. "Europa was caught, Eibbor Nakrus left before we could move in for the theft, and I..."  
  
"Yes?" prompted Andtauriel.  
  
Ally shook her head in the manner of one trying to lose a mental image. "I got dragged off to Rawling's lair, and that little Mini-Aragog didn't make me read eons of Bad Harry Potter/Severus Snape slash!"  
  
*********  
  
An aura of impeding doom hung over Aerobics Lair, the HFA staff section. Actually, it wasn't impending doom, as the trouble had already occurred. And it really wasn't an aura either, more like a light mist that waited in the back of everyone's mind, whispering, "You'll be next... Bring me soda...". In any case, the Canon Characters were sorely distressed, and that fact was immediately obvious to Meir Brin when she walked into the Aerobics Lair with Lockheart and Elessor.  
  
Incense was burning somewhere, and Professor Trelawney was holding a "spiritual group prayer resuscitation séance". Fred and George Weasley were selling protective talismans to Gilderoy Lockhart, while Rita Skeeter wept on the couch next to him.  
  
"We may never see each other again!" she cried, sobbing on Gilderoy's shoulder.  
  
The fraudulent wizard patted her back awkwardly. "Of course we will. I'm just going to the dentist's."  
  
About four yards away Mr. and Mrs. Granger prepared a gruesome shot of Novocaine.  
  
"Gilderoy... Please don't leave me! It might... Get me, too... I feel so much safer with you here, and your Five-Time Winning Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile!"  
  
Lockhart smiled. "This attack on Miss Granger will be the last, I know it will! I'm the author of Break with a Banshee, after all!"  
  
Rita sniffed and wiped her nose on Gilderoy's shoulder. "What does that have to do with anything?"  
  
Gilderoy shrugged. "I thought it sounded nice."  
  
Meir Brin shook her head. Miss Granger had been attacked? By what? Surely not a fanwriter. And the Basilisk was wearing sunglasses, so it couldn't be that. She quickened her step and turned a corner into the second corridor of Aerobics Lair.  
  
Now there was the problem. Canon Characters were milling about, some with masks held to their faces. Harry and Ron were nowhere to be seen, but Ginny Weasley was slumped next to a pillar, looking as if she might cry.  
  
"What is going on here?" asked Meir Brin, coming to a halt in front of the group. Elessor spread his wings behind her flew off in search of bacon.  
  
Cedric Diggory and Cho Chang both stood forward, detaching themselves from the group. "It's Hermione," sobbed Cho. Cedric gripped her hand tightly. "Hermione has Vambiolaria."  
  
Meir Brin blinked. That was easily fixed. "Where's Professor Snape? Why don't we have any Kuswort being brewed?"  
  
Snape was pushed out of the crowd, most likely by a sniggering Sirius Black. He straightened his robes irritably and frowned when Salazar the kitten rubbed against his leg, purring. The Canon Characters laughed collectively, though it was a bit forced. Severus growled and grabbed the kitten, sticking it in his pocket so that only Salazar's tail poked out. "There is no Kuswort left. It is best cultivated naturally, and we can hardly grow it with the weather as it is," said Snape, gesturing to the thunderstorm-blizzard outside.  
  
"Can we try-" Meir Brin was cut off by a loud creaking sound. The denizens of Potterverse turned to look at the open door.  
  
"Hermione..." whispered Neville Longbottom. "She's back..."  
  
There was a pause for dramatic artistry. Draco tapped his foot impatiently on the stone floor, saying, "We're waiting..." But they did not have to wait long.  
  
Standing in the doorframe was Hermione, except that it wasn't Hermione at all. She was taller, thinner, and had been transformed into a flawless beauty. Viktor Krum, standing next to the door, glowered at the Canon Characters ogling his girlfriend. Hermione wavered on the threshold, then threw herself into the arms of...  
  
Unfortunately, that thought must remain unfinished, as Hermione never actually *made* it into anyone's arms. She was intercepted by a solid smack to the head of Klose' Selaria cricket bat. "I'm very sorry," said the Sue-Dispatcher to Hermione-Sue. "But it's my job."  
  
"As I was saying," continued Meir Brin, "Could we not try growing Kuswort in the greenhouses?"  
  
"S'worth h'a try," offered Hagrid. "Are yer up fer h'it, Professor Sprout?"  
  
The short witch with the flyaway hair walked forward and nodded at the half- Giant. "Of course. Come, we'll start right now."  
  
Twenty minutes later Hagrid, Professor Sprout, and Meir Brin were huddled in Greenhouse Two, attempting to plant the frozen Kuswort spores.  
  
"Bloody fan-created spell," cursed Professor Sprout as the fifth spore exploded into vomit-smelling mist. "FCS's are getting far to numerous, and I doubt we'll ever be rid of them."  
  
"May'ap if we put'em in th'dirt before usin' th'dragon dung fertilizer," suggested Hagrid, dropping a handful of spores into a pot and shoving in some mud and dung. There was a bang and the pot imploded upon itself. "An' maybe not," conceded Hagrid.  
  
"Perhaps you could just leave some in your compost heap and see if they'd germinate on their own?" asked Meir Brin, waving her cloak back and forth to try and clear the barf-smelling mist.  
  
Hagrid was confused. "An' how would th'help? Th'mandrakes 'ud jus' get'em!" He pointed to the soundproof wall that had been installed on the far side of the greenhouse. Inside, the Mandrake Family (think "The Osbournes", only less drugged and more mischievous) were arguing over when the Hose Elf was next going to attempt escape. The small Garden Gnomish- Elf creature was currently gazing longingly through the Bubotubers, as if saying "kill me now..."  
  
Meir Brin shrugged and sat back down on the icy cold greenhouse bench. Hagrid and Professor Sprout bustled over the gardening trolley, speaking in whispers. Every so often the coordinator would hear bits such as "Th'pods aren't ready fer cuttin', though" and "Pass me those fangirl-hide gloves". Interspersed with this, of course, were small bangs, pops, and at one point a very nasty rendition of "Frosty the Snowman". Kuswort spores seemed to be rather creative in how they tormented those trying to plant them.  
  
Forty minutes later Meir Brin was absentmindedly banging her head against the glass wall and wondering if Hermione-Sue had revived and/or seduced the whole of HFA's male staff. "Are we done yet?"  
  
There was no reply. Suddenly, Meir Brin was aware of a change in the air around the gardeners.  
  
"Oooo!"  
  
"Ahhh!"  
  
"Preetty..."  
  
Meir Brin blinked and looked over her shoulder at Hagrid and Professor Sprout. Miniature silent fireworks were exploding in the air above the table. "Is this... what's supposed to happen?" she asked.  
  
The answer was clearly "No". Four minutes later Hagrid and Sprout were into the midst of a drug-induced hallucination, and Meir Brin had to use the Mini-Aragog whistle to call the spiders and remove the two professors from the noxious Kuswort fumes.  
  
Grumbling about accursed Vambiolaria, the HFA coordinator stomped back up to the castle, wondering if the dratted Mary Sue disease would wear off on its own. Knowing the Ironic Over-Power, it probably wouldn't.  
  
And it was in that occupied state of mind that Meir Brin made a great mistake. Leaving Kuswort with the Mandrake Family was like setting suet out for finches -they were drawn to it. Thus the HFA staff was not aware of the wild narcotic party held in Greenhouse Two that evening until the Mandrake Family broke through the glass of their greenhouse and put several fanwriters into a coma with their yells. 


	24. Field Study and Why Not to Tick Off Riot...

Author's Notes: Seeing as we're nearly halfway through the fanfiction, I will now inform the readers that yes, there is a plot! Yes, you have probably not noticed it yet! Yes, it will become insanely obvious quite soon (i.e. this chapter and the next chapter). Once again, there is a point to this story!  
  
Those of you reading with a mind for only fun, I will now warn you: to get to this point we will be getting semi-serious for a time. Important Changes are approaching, and they must be Dealt With. Fear not, the laughs and giggles are still included. That's a bit of a given. ^_^  
  
*********  
  
"She seems better, but we can never be too sure, you know?" whispered Colin Creevy to his brother. "Harry's in there trying to coax her into looking at 'Hogwarts: A History'."  
  
"It was really lucky Sirius had some of that Kuswort left over from first semester, wasn't it, Colin?" said Dennis, taking a sip of pumpkin juice. Across the table Ginny Weasley was picking at her meal and wondering if she would be next to get the dreaded disease.  
  
Ai, Vambiolaria! A curse upon thy name!  
  
"Sure was, Dennis. I think he was saving it for Professor Lupin," guessed Colin. "I hope we don't get caught by those fanwriters again! Rhiannon even tried to steal my camera last week! I think it was 'cause Crabbe and Goyle turned hers into a capybara, if you know what I mean."  
  
Meir Brin smiled lightly in her seat farther down the table. Field trip day. Most excellent.  
  
The weather was shaping out nicely as well, and Diagon Alley promised to be full of slick steps and heavy snowdrifts. Perfect for trouncing students through.  
  
With a contented sort of sigh Dark One Shadowphyre sat down in her chair across from Meir Brin. The coordinator passed her the pitcher of pumpkin juice. "I assume those screams and anguished yells were coming from your room last night?"  
  
Shadowphyre nodded, grinning. "Jocelyn and Danica Maupoissant attempted to search out the rooms of Tom Riddle and Lord Voldemort, respectively."  
  
"Dark One versus Dark Lord again, wasn't it? That happened last year, if I remember correctly," mused Meir Brin. "Of course, maybe those fanwriters wouldn't have made the mistake had we not covered up the remainder of your door plaque with black paper."  
  
Dark One Shadowphyre smiled in a remarkably evil manner. "I maintain that it was an educational experience. Now Jocelyn understands the full aggression of a war hammer, and Danica Maupoissant has a great grasp of what damage a halberd can inflict on an unarmed person."  
  
Meir Brin chuckled in her throat. "Will you be bringing the double-bladed battle-axe on today's field trip? You may need additional riot control, especially around Ollivander's after James told our beloved fanwriters that their wands are phony. Harry is bringing the sword of Gryffindor."  
  
Shadowphyre tilted her head as if considering this. "I was thinking that the two-handled sword might be just the thing..."  
  
*********  
  
The snow crunched under Ally's feet gratingly, which in fact could summarize the exact state of Ally's being. Especially after Macgonnalal and Poomfrey had tried to pound her into the snow yesterday for unintentionally walking into their webs. Yeeargh. Mini-Aragogs certainly knew how to ruin your day.  
  
Which is sad to say, because Ally would have been enjoying herself immensely if her back hadn't contained four bruised vertebrae. Diagon Alley wasn't just picturesque, it was beautiful. Snow, though not as heavy as that at Hogwarts, was falling in thick volleys over the shops, making everyone's cloak flow out behind them. Behind frosted windowpanes the heart of Potterverse sat waiting to be bought- at prices less than five galleons, in some cases.  
  
Small whirring mechanisms sat in the shops devoted to astronomy, and obscure creatures peeked out from under blankets in the various pet shops. Several of those lusting Harry Potter or Oliver Wood were clustered around Quality Quidditch Supplies, desperately wishing that they could fly a broomstick, or had enough galleons to buy one. The entrance to Ollivander's was the only shop completely off limits, though. Padama and Podme were both pacing in front of the shop, their spindle-like legs creating pinpricks in the snow. Apparently, HFA wasn't taking any chances that the fanwriters would actually gain their own wands.  
  
Up ahead of the fanwriter cluster, Hagrid and Harry Potter were pointing out various shops. "That's Florean Fortescue's, and that's Madam Malkin's," said Harry Potter. "There's Flourish and Blotts, and over there..."  
  
The students were not paying a great amount of attention, except for Catrin Pritchard who was following Harry. She was prevented from getting *too* close, however, by Hugrid, the Mini-Aragog that was always latched onto the back of Hagrid's head. It was rather strange that the fanwriters had never noticed the spider, but then again Hugrid's shaggy black fur blended so nicely with Hagrid's shaggy black hair that it *was* rather hard to find where one ended and the other began.  
  
A crowd of HFA students wearing cloaks of pale yellow (These were Lusterbuffs, of course. Each HFA House had its color, the same as their Hogwarts House counterpart, except that they were in pastel shades) broke off from the crowd to make a beeline for the Apothecary. Ally heard Hermione8meg talking about making a love potion for Oliver Wood, and saw Pandora roll her eyes. Pandora had been placed in Lusterbuff mainly to keep the other lusters in check, coupled with her own strange favorite. Ally shuddered. Anyone who liked Argus Filch, the crazy Mini-Aragog caretaker, had to have a couple screws loose.  
  
Ally shuddered again. Speaking of strange lust-objects, she had nearly died when Tom, the barkeeper at the Leaky Cauldron, had had the nerve to *wink* at her! Old people cooties!  
  
"'Urry up, yer goin' ta be late fer th'guided tour!" said Hagrid, turning to the masses of HFA students. Of course, it wasn't *all* of the HFA students. Nearly a quarter of the group was serving Detainment for various pranks. Pretty much all of Slashering House were absent, having suffered the wrath of Meir Brin for even *thinking* about using the Imperius Curse on the Canon Characters. They had been forced to enroll in HFA's Mini- Aragog Cultural Center, a sort of Ballet Company run by the acromantulas. GwendolynMorgan, Knightsky, and Bre had all been cast in the lead rolls of "The Pirates of Penance", and Ally had heard that the Mini-Aragog version was much more violent than the original play.  
  
"Come on, fanwrit'rs," called Hagrid, leading them up the marble steps of Gringotts Bank. "Yer all in fer a treat here, we've h'arranged fer a guided tour o'the Gringotts facilities."  
  
Mirild Sket, Michelle Solo, and Melony skipped up the stairs happily. They would be able to get some money here! Mirild Sket was already talking about buying a broomstick for Oliver Wood, and Michelle Solo was going on about buying Remus Lupin a lifetime supply of Wolfsbane Potion. Melony, chittering happily to herself about Rupert Grint, ignored the condescending glares of the hard-core Ron lusters.  
  
Hagrid lead them all past the central aisle of the bank, past the glowering goblins. Very angry, suspicious goblins they were. One of them pinched Stephanie Brown on the nose for so much as looking at a pile of shiny emeralds. They entered into the cavern section of the bank.  
  
A short, vicious-looking goblin met them there. "I am Griphook," he said, stamping hard on Rex Natos' foot as the Spaz examined the trolley carts. "You cannot hijack one of these," said the goblin. Rex Natos looked disappointed. "We have made -accommodations- for the size of this particular party."  
  
Sure enough, several of the carts had been linked together to create a sort of roller coaster-line. Hagrid and Harry climbed into the first cart, along with a large panther that most of the students assumed to be Dark One Shadowphyre. Jocelyn and Danica Maupoissant had first came to that conclusion.  
  
The rest of the HFA class took their seats, after several switches so that none of the Lusterbuffs sat next to the couple Slasherings that were not in Detainment. Then the ride started.  
  
Truth be told, it was quite a miracle that only half of the students lost their breakfast on that trip. The ones who did had the odd sensation of throwing up, and then waiting about ten seconds before hearing the vomit hit the ground miles below. Ally was all right for about half the trip, then they turned a sharp corner and she felt herself retching in a manner that would have impressed a bulimic.  
  
After what felt like ages (at least to the nauseous students) the carts ground to a halt in front of some of the higher vaults. The students were made to get out, though Europa seemed to be having trouble, what with the fathomless chasm below them. The Shroom was curled up inside her cart, and had to be pried out by one of the Mini-Aragogs.  
  
As soon as they were all on firm rock, the black panther turned into Dark One Shadowphyre. "Here we are in the bowels of Gringotts."  
  
"And?" asked Onyx.  
  
"You are going to Observe," said Shadowphyre. "We want a fifty page report describing Diagon Alley and Gringotts when you get back to Hogwarts, the more adjectives the better. You will Observe this place, and return to the cart when you're done. Fifty pages, remember. In-depth. Take a good look around. This paper will be due next week."  
  
Ally groaned with the rest of her class. What evil...  
  
In the minutes that followed Ally met up with Redfire and Riona, who seemed to be lost already. They started off down one of the side tunnels, bemoaning the assignment in the light glow of the lanterns.  
  
"Ffffifty pages?!" said Redfire. "I've never even written a *fic* that big! What are they trying to do, give us perpetual writers' cramp?"  
  
Riona nodded. "Anything to keep us from writing more fic, I'd guess. And writers' cramp would do it."  
  
"It wouldn't even be so bad, you know?" asked Ally, turning a corner. "If we had computers it would be okay, but nooo... We have to do it all by hand..."  
  
Around the corner it became very dark all of a sudden, as the lamps from the main tunnel did not shine here. The only thing Ally could see was the faint luminescence given off by her and Redfire's pale blue cloaks, along with Riona's light green one. All of the HFA fanwriters' clothing had been bewitched to glow in the dark. It was so they couldn't sneak about after nightfall. The three fanwriters kept walking for five minutes, until the last bits of light from behind them were swallowed by the darkness. "Where'd the lights go?" asked Redfire, a hint of fear in her voice.  
  
"I don't know..." said Riona, finding Ally's arm. "At least there are a lot of words for dark..."  
  
"Guys... I don't like this..." whispered Ally.  
  
Irrational fear gripped her. Darkness at HFA was one thing, you knew that -insert name of lust-object here- was around if you needed rescuing. But there were... Oh my god! There were *dragons* at Gringotts! Ally started shaking uncontrollably. She could feel the blackness pouring through her mind, filling her vision, her hearing, her throat, choking off her breath-  
  
"Ally? You're shaking a lot," said Riona, letting up her grip of Ally's arm. "Are you okay?"  
  
"I... I..." stuttered Ally, reaching out for a wall, for anything solid.  
  
"We should get her out of here," said Redfire urgently. "I think Ally's going to be sick."  
  
Riona and Redfire gripped Ally's arms, dragging her back towards the carts. They ran for ten minutes straight, not daring to look back at the darkness. Ally had the sensation of breezes blowing her bangs back out of her forehead. Stars encroached on the corners of her vision, and Ally felt dizzyingly sick to her stomach. An unwanted reminder of what she had eaten for lunch could be tasted in the back of her throat. *I need. light.* thought Ally urgently. *Anything, anything to get me out of this blackness.* Thoughts flitted through her mind. It was nighttime, and she was alone in a forest. She was locked in a closet full of encroaching shadows. Pain, pain, no, too dark! *Help. ME!* screamed her mind.  
  
Ally really screamed. Her secret fear had finally caught up to her, it seemed. She felt the grips of Redfire and Riona loosen around her arms, and was lowered to the floor. Ally closed her eyes. *the dark, oh, the dark.!* she screamed mentally.  
  
"Ally, come on! It's okay! Open your eyes!" said Redfire urgently.  
  
"Come on, pull yerself t'gether, fanwrit'r," said Hagrid's rough voice.  
  
"Err. Are you all right?" asked Harry Potter.  
  
Ally heard their voices as if coming from a far off tunnel. Redfire, Hagrid. and Harry Potter. She opened her eyes tentatively, feeling her mind's created horrors vanish in the light. Ally was sitting next to the train of carts, surrounded by the glow of lamps near the main vaults.  
  
Ally curled up, holding her knees tight to her chest. She felt the ashamed, angry and ashamed at the same time. It did not help that Harry Potter was just a few feet away in the Gringotts' cart, staring at her uncertainly, or that there was light all about her. She felt sick, and now more than ever wanted to go home. 


	25. Ally's Epiphany: The Plot Cometh

Ally lay curled up on her four-poster bed, the curtains draw about her to shut out the sympathetic gazes of her roommates. She couldn't believe it, how could she have been so, so- stupid! Harry Potter would never like her now, after she had nearly wet herself in Gringotts.  
  
HFA was exciting -painful and dangerous as well- but exciting none the less. There was something about knowing that you could turn a corner and see magic -real magic, not tricks and mirrors- performed by some of the most interesting people in all of literature. You could see Nearly- Headless Nick playing 'Limbo' with Barty Crouch Jr., or Seamus Finnigan trying to persuade a group of disbelieving Slashering students that he was *not* gay.  
  
But more importantly, HFA was for lovers. No, thought Ally, grinning foolishly to herself. Lusters was more appropriate. Ally and her fellow students could daydream through Bane of Filch staring at Fred and George Weasley, or squeal in delight at Tom Riddle in The Commitment of Evilness. And once Magical Heredity and You began, Remus Lupin would become a weekly dose of eye-candy. Quidditch Is Not For Everyone... That was Ally's favorite, even though she had not quite managed to stay on a broomstick for less than seven seconds. Harry Potter was there, the courageous, nice, humble, awesome sweetheart...  
  
Ally buried her face into her pillow. Harry Potter was lost to her forever. He would never like her after Hagrid had been forced to sedate her on the trip back to HFA. He would never find someone as foolish as her attractive...  
  
Sniffing and rubbing her eyes, Ally sat up and looked at her headboard. Harry Potter would never be hers... The thought settled in her head and tumbled about. She wouldn't have to spend five hours getting ready for Quidditch class. She wouldn't have to protect her image like some hidden secret, just so that he wouldn't get the wrong impression. Harry Potter already *had* the wrong impression. If Ally had looked farther back she would have realized that his impression had been formed when she had tried to glomp him at the Sorting Ceremony, but in her mind new thoughts were solidifying otherwise.  
  
He would never be hers...  
  
Ally almost laughed. She had been fretting herself silly for so long after something near, near impossible! Life, especially life at HFA, would be much easier without her schemes for snagging Harry Potter ruining things. She smiled grimly, and rubbed her red eyes free of tears.  
  
*Yes. That dream was far-fetched.* thought Ally. But she knew the lust was still there, only dimmed a bit. *Harry Potter.* she thought. *Oh! Why can't these things be easy? I say that I don't like him, but I know I still do! This is going to be more difficult than I thought. I just can't *help* liking him.*  
  
It was a thought to contemplate on a Punctuational Day. But in the meantime, Ally had some new resolutions to take care of.  
  
She had all of Hogwarts set out before her, all of the world that she had always dreamed of. And now, with a new sense of freedom beneath her belt, Ally was prepared to live in that world.  
  
With a new light in her eyes and a small flame of hope in her heart, Ally climbed out of bed. Saturday and Sunday were at her disposal, and she already had a list of things that she wanted to do. Things that she wanted to see, and characters she wanted to meet. Without a care in the world Ally skipped down into the Common Room and exited the Canonlaws' domain.  
  
Of course, because happy things like this cannot happen so perfectly at HFA, it must be said that Ally was then accosted by Argus Filch and Noriss his Mini-Aragog. After the scuffle in which Ally was branded with the mark of the Four-Pronged Cauliflower, she was chased throughout the castle by the Fellowship of the Peeves (now containing Rex Natos, Eibbor Nakrus, and C-Chan). Eventually Ally was forced to make a narrow escape into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, and fell unintentionally into the open entrance of the Chamber of Secrets.  
  
*********  
  
"Ffffff -click- keekeeeennnn...." clicked the Mini-Aragogs spookily as Meir Brin entered the Aerobics Lair meeting room. She was tired, having just given Leo Haven Detainment for stealing the House Elf Cheese Monument and eating it. Winky had been most distressed, and therefore Leo Haven had been sentenced to critiquing Professor Binns' "The Story of My Life and Death" one-ghost show. He had been begging for mercy after just five minutes.  
  
But there was a more important matter at stake, which the Headmistress had so abruptly informed her of in a short memo: Canon was going to change. The date: June 21st.  
  
Frantic about having so little time to work with, Meir Brin had announced a staff section seminar concerning the effects of this announcement on HFA. The Canon Characters were chatting in their seats, Stan Shunpike shifting about nervously as he sat next to Fleur Delacour's mother. In the front of the lecture hall Severus Snape was eying Remus warily, and stroking Salazar, (usually called "Salsa" now) his kitten.  
  
At least Hermione was completely healed of Vambiolaria. That was good news. She had moved on to the recovery period and was now experiencing the after-effects of the disease. In other words, the illness was causing her to be clumsy and embarrassing at the same time, witness the instance in which she had sneezed all over Draco Malfoy. Though it had been quite funny to see the young Malfoy with snot all over his hair.  
  
*Here we go again* thought Meir Brin, tapping the Switch of Character Banishment on the podium for silence. In the rafters behind her Giligad spread his wings mightily and roared. Elessor had found a new friend in Meir Brin's other adopted Mini-Balrog; they both liked chasing fangirls, they both liked bacon, and Giligad had a knack for coming out of no where to dive-bomb HFA students (Dimond had learned this the hard way, after she had unwittingly walked underneath the fire-demon's perch). The Elvenking Gil-Galad himself was also residing at HFA for a brief period, hunting fangirls. Meir Brin chuckled softly. She had recently heard the story running through HFA about how his hunting horn had struck fear into the heart of Melony so greatly that she now refused to leave her dorm.  
  
"What are we doing this time?" drawled Draco Malfoy after the room had gone silent. "If they have made another movie already, I'm leaving. I have had enough of this degradation."  
  
"Then leave already!" snapped Hermione. "I certainly don't want you here!"  
  
"Mudblood! I'm going nowhere, I have the most admirers here, and they can't leave me out. Isn't that correct?" he asked.  
  
Meir Brin flipped through her sheaf of papers. "I suppose. You and Remus Lupin are tied for 'number one lust-object' with 14.4% of the HFA population apiece. But I suggest that you refrain from using such names, if you don't want Lily to remove your tongue."  
  
On the other side of the room Lily Potter examined an impressive collection of butcher knives. Draco took his seat abruptly.  
  
"But why are we here?" asked Albus Dumbledore, puzzlement in his eyes. "Even I doubt the persistence of a film crew to make another movie about us."  
  
Meir Brin braced herself for the announcement that she was about to make. "The Canon of Potterverse is going to be updated. The Headmistress has informed me that Book 5, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" will be released on June 21st."  
  
Sirius Black smiled in a knowing manner. "That is good, though. Our beloved fanwriters will not be able to write filth about Harry's fifth year. Their Vambiolatos -Mary Sues- in my godson's fifth year will not be valid."  
  
Remus shuddered. "They will simply change to the sixth year. I have no doubt about this."  
  
"It is a good point," commented Meir Brin. "But we have a more urgent matter to attend to. Whenever this novel is released, our Canon will change significantly. You yourselves will change. HFA will probably undergo some sort of seismic activity. And once you are all reborn into the newly polished Canon, Hogwarts will be at its weakest point ever. You will need to be protected until Canon can regulate itself again."  
  
"We're getting updates? Like the data processor on my PC? Email and the RAM will run Windows!" exclaimed Arthur Weasley.  
  
The denizens of Potterverse blinked collectively. Arthur and Hermione were still experimenting with the computers for "This is a Spellcheck... Use it" and Arthur had become a convert into the language of the PC. Since few of the characters could operate computers, or had enough knowledge to pick out what he meant, Arthur had been treated as an eccentric relation by all of the Canon Characters. They simply smiled and nodded.  
  
"I do not think that this will be a good experience for us," said Professor Karkaroff. "Though I am glad that we will be receiving new information, I do not like how vulnerable we shall become."  
  
"You'll be vulnerable when I get done with you!" cackled Lord Voldemort. LVJ blew some spit-bubbles and babbled happily.  
  
"Oh, enough!" said Bertha Jorkins, standing up before Voldemort could get nasty. Oddly enough, since Voldemort had killed her, she no longer feared him. It was a "what's the worse that can happen that hasn't already happened?" kind of attitude. "What are we going to do about this shift?"  
  
Meir Brin flipped through some notes and found what she was looking for. "I propose that we build a sort of bunker, to weather out the storm. If we were to fortify a chamber with repelling-charms and anti-fanfiction spells, we could possibly let you 'update' yourselves until the Canon has congealed."  
  
"Dobby is wondering what will happen to the students," asked the House Elf. "Dobby is thinking that we should not put them into the safe-haven with Dobby and all of Dobby's friends. Dobby does not like the fanwriters, no, no! Andtauriel Longwood has tried to capture Dobby so many times! Dobby is very frightened!"  
  
"Pipe down, you," Lucius Malfoy said harshly. "Lucius Malfoy is thinking that he will strangle Dobby if Dobby doesn't shut his pie-hole. Those mindless fanwriters can weather out the shift some place else. I don't even care if the world were to open up and swallow them; they will not be rooming with us."  
  
Meir Brin nodded. "The fanwriters can survive the Canon-jump in the Great Hall. I do not think that it will effect them much, as they are not part of the Canon."  
  
"And where will be large enough to accommodate all of us here together?" asked Professor McGonagall. "Aerobics Lair is certainly not stable enough to survive such a shift!"  
  
"No, we'll need some place more stable, some place well-fortified..." mused Meir Brin.  
  
"Why not use the Chamber of Secrets?" asked Tom Riddle. "I doubt it can be penetrated that easily being made of SOLID ROCK, you know?" he said pointedly, glaring at Lord Voldemort.  
  
"That's a pretty good idea, err... I don't think we could be disturbed easily in that place," put in Harry Potter. Next to him, Ron sighed. "It's all right, Ron, the Basilisk won't be nearly so menacing this time. Remember? I had lunch with her last week, her name is Orfalda. Quite nice, once you get to know her. Blind, you know."  
  
"How do you know it's a 'she', Harry?" asked Ron.  
  
"Well, it didn't have a red plume growing out of its head, did it? Then it has to be a 'she', you know," said Hermione. "Aaachackackackack -hiccup- hackhackhack!" she sneeze-cough-hiccupped. That was Vambiolaria for you, always embarrassing.  
  
"The Chamber of Secrets *could* hold all of us," commented Meir Brin. "Can we organize a moving committee to get food and shelter set up down there tomorrow? Any volunteers?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"I volunteer Sybill Trelawney," said McGonagall.  
  
"I do not accept such-" began the Divination oracle.  
  
"I volunteer Severus Snape!" shouted Sirius Black, grinning at his nemesis.  
  
"No-"  
  
"We volunteer Draco Malfoy!" chorused Harry, Ron, and Hermione.  
  
"And Lucius!" added Arthur Weasley.  
  
"I volunteer-"  
  
Suddenly all of the Canon Characters were shouting out their enemy's name, and through the din it was too hard to hear anyone's title properly. Meir Brin rubbed her temples, feeling the granddaddy of all headaches coming on. "Elessor, Giligad?" called the HFA coordinator.  
  
The two Mini-Balrogs swooped down from the rafters and beat the air steadily with their flaming wings. Giligad cocked his head in a questioning manner, as if waiting for the signal of "Charge!".  
  
Meir Brin rubbed her forehead. "Kindly round up a group of Canon Characters and take them to the Chamber of Secrets. I'm going to go find some aspirin."  
  
And with that the great Update Preparation began. 


	26. A Marriage of Epic and Creepy Proportion...

Meir Brin stamped her feet on the ground, trying to shake the cold that was happily residing in the soles of her shoes. Valentine's Day at Hogwarts was upon them, and that meant-  
  
"Are we late, Preciousss? Ssshe wants to be married, doesn't Sshe, Precioussss?"  
  
"Hullo, Smeagol," said Meir Brin tenatively. "Are the others far behind?"  
  
Gollum blinked in the bright sunlight, further amplified by the white snow. "Yellowface! It burns us!" he cried before scuttling into the shadows.  
  
There was another pop, and a spider, a monstrous, gigantic, spider rolled through the permanent OFUM-HFA plothole. She rocked back and forth before getting to her spindly feet and moved quickly into the shadow of Hogwarts. Following her was a large armor-clad Maia who was carrying a wedding gown and sulking magnificently. Then the ground trembled, and another arachnid tumbled into HFA.  
  
The second spider through the plothole was indeed the Mother of All Spiders. Ungoliant, in all of her Unlighted glory. "My little girl... All grown up... Getting married..." she hissed. And if Meir Brin had known anything of Ungoliant's physiology she would have seen the tears coming into the giant spider's eyes.  
  
"Is... anyone else coming through?" asked Meir Brin. It was a good thing that Ron, Harry, and Hermione had decided to stay in the Chamber work on the Bunker during the ceremony. She truly doubted that Ron would have kept sane with Shelob, Ungoliant, *and* Aragog wandering about.  
  
"GreyLadyBast is bringing the bouquet..."  
  
The sounds of an altercation began to drift down from the doorway. The plothole had sprung up about halfway between the Greenhouses and one of Hogwarts' many entrances, so the OFUM bridal delegation had already entered.  
  
"...You stole him from me!" hissed an Acromantula's voice.  
  
There was a loud screech of protest. Then the sound of blows being interchanged. Ungoliant started to move toward the doorway just as the sound of fireballs reached Meir Brin's ears. The HFA coordinator sprinted up to the doorway in time to see Sauron (still clutching Shelob's wedding dress) aim a fireball at an angry Acromantula the size of an elephant.  
  
"Mosag? We thought you might like to have a holiday at the Three Broomsticks today, what with... it... happening?" asked Meir Brin in a placating manner. The last thing you want angry with you is a huge carnivorous spider.  
  
"She stole my Aragog..." huffed Mosag, brushing past Sauron and moving toward the outer gate.  
  
"Which way do we go, Preciousss? To the left or to the rights? Tricksy passages! Always trying to tricks us..." hissed Gollum, looking at the myriad of doorways spread out before them.  
  
"Err... This way," said Meir Brin. "Aragog is very excited, Shelob. He's been talking about this for the past month. Even divorced his wife, there." She led them through the middle archway; having chosen a path that even Ungoliant could pass through.  
  
Bringing up the rear, Sauron leaned over to Ungoliant. "Is it true that you nearly ate that pile of wretched excuse for an Evil overlord, the dimwitted Morgoth? Could you do it? Really..."  
  
*********  
  
Ally was in pain. It was not a new experience for her, to say the least, but falling into the Chamber of Secrets, only to be confronted by a horde of panicky Canon Characters who were not in a benevolent mood... Well, that was not a pleasant situation. And it therefore had not caused a pleasant feeling in her, mainly the sense that she had been dragged through the proverbial meat grinder, only to emerge as processed hamburger meat that had then been dipped in boiling oil. That seemed to be the result of being punished by Borimir, the Mini-Baragog (a demonic fiery spider. Not pleasant).  
  
And now she had been pulled out of "Tea and Crumpets: British for Dummies" to witness the marriage of two spiders bigger than anything she had ever imagined. Sure, the Mini-Aragogs were evil and annoying, but they were only three to four feet tall. Aragog was bigger than an elephant, and Shelob was every inch that, with many inches left over in addition.  
  
It was times like this that made her wish that she were as brave as Harry Potter. Mmmm... Harry Potter... *No!* she thought. *My resolution! I must... not... lust...* Well, at least she was missing British for Dummies. A three-hour lecture every week on why "er" was sometimes changed to "re" can do the same thing to one's spirits as a rain-shower does to a picnic. And truth be told, Shelob's dress *was* kind of pretty. In a creepy, arachnid sort of way.  
  
Cornelius Fudge was presiding and, despite looking like he was about to wet himself, was doing a reasonable job. The Minister of Magic, being the one of the only Potterverse characters with the legal qualifications necessary to perform holy matrimony, was playing the role of priest. Hagrid and Sauron were being joint-position Best Men, with the biggest spider in existence (someone had told Ally that it was "Unglant", though Ally wouldn't even attempt pronunciation, remembering the "Goilfingel" incident) sitting in the front row.  
  
Professor Dumbledore had done an excellent job turning the Great Hall into a Cathedral of sorts. It had been expanded once again, and Terra- incognito, The Nemesister Raptor, and Serenity Bloom had then been captured by the Mini-Aragogs and forced to rearrange the furniture to accommodate the crowd. Serenity Bloom had not had such a bad time of it, being in possession of a computer that worked. Meaning of course that it had legs, arm, and an ability to clean up, cook, and carry books around (Crabbe and Goyle's bounty had been upped to twelve bottles of nail polish, three locks of Draco's hair (supposedly real), and a Slytherin scarf).  
  
And then there was the plight of Kristin, Agent AAA, and San Carpenter the Insane. GreyLadyBast had brought Shelob's bouquet from OFUM (a bouquet of fangirls, to clarify) only to find that three of the victims had escaped. The Mini-Aragogs, already in admiration of Shelob as their new godmother (how that worked Ally would never know) had stormed off and captured the three Wantingmors as replacements.  
  
Aragog himself had been groomed to perfection. His milky white eyes were radiating happiness, and his foreleg was clasping Shelob's tightly. They both looked so happy, in an evil, giant-giant, spiderish way, of course. Hagrid and Ungoliant were sharing a handkerchief the size of a tablecloth, being overwhelmed by happiness.  
  
"I now pronounce you ma- Acromant-mantula a-and wife," sputtered Cornelius Fudge, his face already white with terror. Ally had witnessed Sauron glowering at Fudge throughout the ceremony, and it gave her the oddest impression of a marriage within the Mob. As soon as Aragog and Shelob had- (what was that, anyway? Clacking the pincers together? Was that an arachnid kiss?). Anyway, once the happy couple had turned around (Aragog knocking Sallah and Chibigreen over in his blindness), Fudge did a perfect about-face and bolted from the hall.  
  
"It's so beautiful..." hissed "Unglant" loudly. "Toss the bouquet, Shelob."  
  
Kristin, Agent AAA, San Carpenter the Insane, and the other OFUM students trussed up in Shelob's bundle wailed simultaneously as they were pitched high into the air. Ally saw them coming, falling from the sky in slow motion.  
  
*I should really move now...* she thought as the shadow of the bouquet loomed overhead. It was coming right for her corner...  
  
*What am I doing?!* she panicked. *RUN!!*  
  
And then Ally ran. But she was not fast enough. For running to catch the bundle was Lumenosflaminoscanondenious, the flaming Fan-Created Spell Guardian responsible for capturing and taming the FCS's. It burned like a brand of fire and collided directly with Ally. Thus it came to pass that Ally was flattened beneath seven or so students with a living flame, resulting in singed hair and much burnt agony.  
  
In the future, when Ally's eyebrows had grown back, she mused that at least this meant that she would be the next to get married.  
  
*********  
  
Author's Notes: Sorry for the delay, folks. This chapter would have been out sooner, but unfortunately the FF.net change combined with an unlucky accumulation of essays put off my writing. It was supposed to be released on Valentine's Day.  
  
Oh yes! Much thanks to Miss Cam for helping to organize the wedding. ^_^  
  
-Meir Brin 


	27. Magical Heredity and You: Reasons Why Yo...

Ally pulled a broken comb with several teeth missing through her ragged blonde hair, wondering when the bald patch would disappear. Lumenoscanda- whatsits had completely singed the left side of her head, leaving a sketchy area where only little wisps of hair remained. Ally reached for a hair clip, happily reminding herself that with this new resolution she did not need to worry about Harry Potter noticing...  
  
But what if he did notice?  
  
Ally bit her thumbnail and started to tear it back. *Harr...eee... Pott...err...* Why on earth did she still like him?! She had said that she hadn't, but of course that little bit of her mind said "let's feign indifference!" and then the other half had said "no, no lusting!" and then she had said to that bit "noo!! Haaarry Potteeerrr!!". Ally paused to take a mental breath. And then the Mini-Aragogs had come and attacked her for thinking such things.  
  
A bell chimed somewhere in the castle, and Ally quickly grabbed her book bag before dashing off out the Canonlaw Common Room door. She did *not* want to be late for "Magical Heredity and You: Reasons Why You Cannot Be 1/2 Unicorn". Rumor had it that some people called "Pariah" and "Androgynous" had come to HFA in order to supervise the class. Whatever kind of names those were, they did not sound friendly.  
  
When Ally finally made her way to the site of "Magical Heredity and You", a patch of grass next to Hagrid's cabin, the reason for increased supervision became strikingly obvious. Claudia Beth King was puttering around at the back of the crowd, looking curiously at something that seemed to be crouched just inside the Forbidden Forest. Belphegor and Terra-incognito were also near the back of the crowd.  
  
The rest of the students were a different story. Many of them were making a keening wail that at HFA meant that their lust-objects were in close proximity. *Oh, that's right!* thought Ally suddenly. *Remus is teaching this class!* Ally started to walk around the perimeter of the masses, trying to get a good seat for the lecture. Seeing a sane Remus Lupin *had* to be a treat.  
  
"Sit down, all of you," came a reasonable yet firm voice from the instructor platform. Ally darted ahead another few passes and took a seat in the grass amid those in the right wing of fanwriters. Remus smiled and looked up from his notes. "Thank you."  
  
Rhiannon and several Lusterbuffs sighed dreamily. A fanwriter stood up shakily. Drool was dripping down her face. "Reeemmmuuusssss!!" she screeched, launching herself through the air in a spectacular dive-tackle. Ally put a hand over her mouth in a soundless "No!".  
  
A great bang echoed over the lawn as the fanwriter was hit by a hex. The HFA students followed the direction of the noise to a figure on the platform that they had not noticed before, what with Remus Lupin, eye-candy of the century, being present. Ally immediately wondered *why* she had not noticed, as furry pink slippers were not exactly something one could fail to notice at HFA. The person smiled happily and lowered her wand, then folded her arms across her chest. Ally suddenly noticed the potted cactus emblem on the person's left shoulder, and the miniature lightening bolts on the hem of her black cloak. Oh, no. It was one of *them*...  
  
"Got 'em there, Miss h'Aria," chuckled Hagrid. "That's righ', fanwrit'rs. Meir Brin want'd ter bring th'PPC in fer Remus' lecture here, 'specially with yer glompin' outbreak."  
  
The unfortunate glomper's friends hurried to salvage her unconscious carcass. Mirild Sket tentatively raised a hand. "What's the PPC?"  
  
"Miss h'Aria" sighed in a resigned manner. "Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We kill your 'Sues." The Lusterbuff section gasped. Aria glared. "All right, enough with this, let Professor Lupin continue his lecture."  
  
Remus nodded gratefully, eliciting a sigh from the fangirls. Aria took a step backward and eyed the crowd as one watches a herd of bison about to stampede. Ally gulped nervously and returned her attention to Remus.  
  
"... that shall be the purpose of this course. There are only so many things that humans in the Potterverse can interbreed with. One of them is *not* a Unicorn. Must I elaborate or are you quite content with that mental picture?"  
  
In the Wantingmor crowd, Neshomeh fainted dead away. Heeri and Finnigon picked their way through the crowd and dragged the incapacitated fanwriter into the Forbidden Forest.  
  
"One of the magical beings which humans *can* interbreed with, however, is the Giant race. As I am sure you are all aware, Professor Hagrid is of half-Giant blood," said Lupin, gesturing with his left hand to Hagrid. "To inform you all about what these relations entail, the Giantess Fridwulfa has kindly agreed to a short presentation."  
  
Ally looked around in shock as the ground began to rumble angrily. Suddenly, Pandora and Newmoon screamed. Something big was walking from the Forbidden Forest. Someone. 'Twas Hagrid's mum.  
  
Ally scratched her head confusedly as the woman took her seat awkwardly on the platform. She was about twelve or so feet tall, but remarkably... indistinct? Her facial features seemed blurred, as if Ally was viewing them through a smoky glass. Around her, the fanwriters were having similar reactions. The woman took a deep breath and started to speak in a deep voice with a heavy German accent.  
  
"Yes, yes. I know you cannot see me vell, ees becauss off de lack off details I am given een de book. Anyways, I am Fridwulfa, and I tink dat you are here to learn about how vee baby haff-Giants are made? Dat iss guut. Now, eet all started vhen I met Rubeus' father, long time ago. He wass soo cute, such a funny leettle man! Vell, we had some drinks, an' von ting lead to another, I muss' tell you-"  
  
"Mum! Yer not suppos'd ter give them ideas! Besides, yer 'mbarrassin' me..." mumbled Hagrid, his ruddy cheeks a vivid scarlet.  
  
One of the Canonlaws suddenly staggered half-heartedly to her feet. Ally recognized her a little too late as Catherine Dark Wolf. A perfect opportunity! Remus was simply standing there! Two steps and he would be hers!  
  
"Reeemmmuuusssss!!" screeched Catherine Dark Wolf, launching herself at the lycanthrope.  
  
Three attacks hit Catherine simultaneously. One in the form of Fridwulfa's fist, another as Aria's stunner, and a third, from up on a high balcony of Hogwarts castle, from Agent Polaris' tranquilizer gun.  
  
*********  
  
"Nice shot," said Meir Brin, putting down the omnioculars. "You can set it to 'replay' to see it again if you'd like."  
  
Agent Polaris of the PPC took the brass contraption from Meir Brin and spun the replay knob at least seven times, all the while sniggering insanely. "I can't wait for Draco's seminar," she said, passing the omnioculars back. "Who knew you could have this much fun with a tranquilizer gun?"  
  
Meir Brin shrugged and pulled her gray cloak more tightly around her shoulders. "If not for the 'Sues sprouting up all over the place I would stick with wand-and-net tactics, but it seems that there is simply not the time to set up the traps. Besides, the students keep falling in them. Had to fish that fanwriter, what's-her-face, Ally White, out of the Chamber of Secrets only a few days ago."  
  
"It's strange, to see the 'Sues pop up here. You would think that they wouldn't be able to get past the borders of this dimension," commented Polaris, sighting down the barrel of her gun.  
  
"We're not Mary Sue-proof, apparently. Klose is running herself ragged. We had a 'daughter of Lord Voldemort' here last week, and, try as she might, Klose just couldn't get her down from the chandelier in Aerobics Lair. Filthy Vambiolatos, it's hard to say which is worse, them or the disease." Meir Brin rubbed her forehead and adjusted her glasses. They started to go back into the castle. "I daresay it's probably worse at Headquarters. How *are* the PPC functioning these days?"  
  
Polaris smiled and patted her Mini-Aragog, Draoc, grimly. "Lord of the Rings is nearly under. Potterverse stays afloat mainly because our 'Sues don't try to change Canon as much, but we're still greatly understaffed. Hoping to get some new agents, though, once this class graduates."  
  
Meir Brin paused to look out one of the windows. Fridwulfa was juggling five fanwriters at once. Very talented, that lady was. "I think a few will join. Some of the Wantingmors look promising as assassins."  
  
Blast-Ended Skrewts started pouring from Hagrid's hut in an attempt to get at fresh meat as the fanwriters began to run for the castle. Polaris laughed insanely as a skrewt sneezed and set a Slashering's hair on fire. "If they can run like that they'll do fine indeed!"  
  
********  
  
Much thanks to Agents Polaris and Aria of the PPC for their help at HFA this chapter and the next. As a disclaimer, the Protectors of the Plot Continuum belong to Jay and Acacia, while the various spinoffs belong to their respective authors.  
  
-Meir Brin 


	28. The Trouble With Plotholes

Meir Brin stood in the back of the Great Hall, watching as Draco Malfoy demonstrated his infamous sneer. It had been an interesting sort of day, to say the least. Half of Slashering had been trailing Draco to try and persuade him that Harry was his one true love, and the other half had been beaten senseless by Polaris of the PPC. In addition, nearly three quarters of Lusterbuff had been sending Good Luck cards to Draco (as his first teaching opportunity was coming up), while the other part had also been beaten senseless by Polaris.  
  
"Do you see how I curl my upper lip like that? That is how I react when I see a Mudblood. I do NOT get weak kneed and think 'my goodness, my life has had no meaning up to this point! Hermione, take me away!'"  
  
A few of the Lusterbuffs collapsed in piles of giddy joy and were dragged away by Ablus and Dumbeldore the Mini-Aragogs. One of the students, Molly Morgan, came to just as they were passing out the doors and began to dig her fingernails into the flagstones, producing a great screeching sound. Her wails of "Draaacccooo..." faded off into the distance.  
  
Draco rolled his eyes in disdain. "You would think that writing about an arrogant prig would be easy enough, but nooo, I have to have 'revelations' and 'changes of heart'. What complete rubbish! My father could buy all of your sorry houses and make you live on the streets! I. Am. Not. A. Nice. PERSON!" he shouted.  
  
"Isn't he wonderful?" sighed Alanna Roseguard.  
  
"I want him..." said Mika Sei. "My Draco..."  
  
"Gollum..." said Dana Dancer.  
  
Draco shook his head and walked off to the side where Lucius Malfoy and Blaise Zabini (gender still unknown) were standing. "It's no use. Why do they like me?"  
  
Lucius sneered coldly. "No Malfoy has ever been un-evil. It is like having de-carbonated soda."  
  
"They make de-carbonated soda, Mr. Malfoy," pointed out Blaise Zabini.  
  
"Blast! They have ruined my analogy!"  
  
"Perhaps if you did something really evil..." suggested Blaise. "Something to bring them so much pain and suffering..."  
  
"Of course!" said Draco. A Revelation had struck the young Malfoy. And it was not the kind that made him give up his evil ways in favor of dating Hermione Granger. He walked back to the center of the platform. "Fanwriters?" said the Malfoy genially.  
  
Over two hundred fangirls snapped to attention.  
  
"WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!" screamed Draco, exaggerating his question *and* astonishment at the same time.  
  
There was a rumble. The sky-like ceiling of the Great Hall clouded over with a milky mist. Meir Brin reached for her granite umbrella. This was a truly fitting end to a wonderful day.  
  
"Punctuation attack!" screamed Dana Dancer.  
  
Exclamation points began to fall from the ceiling in great rocky masses. Question marks flew through the air like boomerangs, smacking students left and right. A double mark dropped down and hit Claudia Beth King with a resounding smack, while Vee was laid low by a rogue exclamation point. The Shroom and Antigra screamed as more exclamation points fell on them like dotted arrows.  
  
From her observation post at the back of the hall (and safely under the shielding of a granite umbrella) Meir Brin smiled. Aria walked up next to her, brushing her hands free of drool. "Finished off any more Remus- lusters?" asked the Course Coordinator.  
  
Aria grinned. "Many of the Lusterbuffs have learned of the badfic-worn irritability of the PPC agent. Polaris is finishing off some of the more... noisy ones... outside."  
  
"'Hell hath no fury like a purist annoyed'," commented Meir Brin sagely as Punctuation knocked out the remainder of the students.  
  
*********  
  
Ally crouched under the table with Morchaint and Selena Luna, waiting patiently for the punctuation downpour to pass. Every so often a stray question mark would slide in under the table and hit one of them in the head, and Ally was much bruised from the experience.  
  
"Oy, watch out for the tittles," said Morchaint as an exclamation point zoomed past.  
  
"The what?" asked Ally.  
  
"The tittles, the little dots on the end. They're called tittles," said Morchaint.  
  
Ally shrugged. "I never knew that."  
  
"Hey, guys! Look at this!" said Selena Luna, excitedly.  
  
Ally turned around, half expecting to see Draco Malfoy with a pair of scissors about to gouge out her eyes. By the world, he was evil! How could people *lust* after him?  
  
But instead of insane!Draco, there was something much worse. Something that Ally did not yet know the name of. It was a small silver cloud, shimmering tantalizingly in front of the three fanwriters.  
  
"What is it?" questioned Morchaint, poking the thing with her defunct wand.  
  
"Oh, students!" said a cheerful voice in the aisle. "I have something foooorrr yooouuu!"  
  
"It's the PPC agents!" hissed Selena Luna. "Quick, go in! It has to be better than those two! We might be able to actually get home!"  
  
"I don't think-" began Ally. Unfortunately for her, she had no choice. The shimmering silver cloud was sucking them in, tugging at their hair and jewelry. With a siphoning sound, as when one drinks the last bits of soda from a straw, the three girls were pulled into the cloud, never to be seen again.  
  
...well, almost never.  
  
When Ally came to she was sitting on something soft. "What? Where? Wh-" A hand was clamped forcefully over her mouth.  
  
"Hush!" said a forceful voice. "Unless you want to be Quintaped fodder!"  
  
"Klose?" asked Ally, recognizing the Sue-dispatcher's voice. They had met on an occasion long ago, in which Klose had apprehended her for sneaking into the Headmistress' office. Though their last meeting had been far from pleasant, Ally was glad to find at least some form of only semi-hostile life. "Where are we?"  
  
"I don't know how you got here, but you are coming back with me. This is the Isle of Drear, kid! It's Unplottable for a reason, you know!" whispered Klose hurriedly.  
  
Almost at once the shimmering cloud appeared again, and this time its tug was stronger. Klose let go of Ally, and got out her cricket bat. "What happened- to Morchaint- and Selena?-" asked Ally as the cloud pulled her closer.  
  
Klose gestured to two figures behind her who were hunched over in unconsciousness. "They're over there. What is this thing?" The tug was getting stronger, pulling Ally even farther into its silver depths.  
  
Ally never got to respond to that question. She could fight the pull no longer, and was thrown backward into...  
  
Wetness?  
  
Cold water flowed about her, and Ally dog-paddled for dear life against a swift and unrelenting current. Chunks of ice floated around her, and Ally fought to get air as the cold took her breath away. Dimly in the back of her mind Ally realized that she was in the Hogwarts lake. And then It was there, once more.  
  
*Oh no,* thought Ally. *That stupid silver thing again!*  
  
In two seconds Ally was not there anymore. She was surrounded by flowers. At least she recognized this place. It was Privet Drive, from the movie. Ally was about to get to her feet but then... The Silver Thing.  
  
Cold, hard rock was under her feet. She was standing... in the Astronomy tower? The last thing Ally remembered before she blacked out was a bunch of hairy appendages reaching for her and hissing one word.  
  
"Yo-yo-ses..."  
  
Ally had been another victim of that dreaded thing. No, not the Mini- Aragogs and their yo-yo skills (though some had become quite good at it by now. Hermoine could do a trick that she termed "walkingses the fanwriterses"). The silver clouds that give a writer no rest. Plotholes. 


	29. Putrescence in Puns and Slapstick with S...

Ally woke up in the Hospital Wing some time later, sporting a bruised head and dislocated shoulder. Fortunately for her, by the time that she realized her injuries, Madam Pomfrey had already cured her of them. Which, in addition, was *very* fortunate, for as soon as Ally was able to sit up, she was being dragged off to Fun With Puns (201), to have class with the ultra-irritable Severus Snape.  
  
Ally buried her face in her arms as soon as she was seated, exhausted yet wary of the plothole that had been following her around. Goodness, that had been painful. Someone must have written a fanfiction with a jumping story line back in the real world, to create something that evil... and persistent.  
  
"Sit down, brats," said Professor Snape evilly as he swept into the room. Grandmomma Longlegs and Europa sighed longingly.  
  
"I have had *enough* with this miserable school, and you *miserable* writers, and I am *not* going to be teaching about puns anymore. Today we deal with," Snape paused for dramatic (and spooky) effect, which was completely ruined by the commotion which followed.  
  
Fred and George Weasley sprinted into the room, pursued by Argus Filch. "I will *kill* you!" screamed Filch, waving a broom like it was a five-ton mace. "You stupid, wicked twins! Dying Mrs. Norris purple and painting her with daisies is inhumane! I will *kill* you, you-"  
  
At that moment, Pandora stood up and started berating Fred and George as well, aiding her lust-object. Then of course Amber and Smego Baggins got to their feet and began yelling at Pandora on behalf of the Weasleys. Soon, the dungeon was full of screaming Weasley Twin-lusters, all starting to gang up on Pandora.  
  
"Silence!" cried Professor Snape harshly. No one was paying attention. Ally decided that it would be best to hide under her desk until the whole thing blew over. Whatever was going to happen would happen, and Ally didn't want to be a casualty.  
  
Severus Snape hoarsely shouted a word that Ally didn't recognize. Instantly, the dungeon seemed to turn green. Then blue. Everyone was suspended in motion, Nathonea Dewstan with her mouth wide open. Gaia Myles became petrified with a look of horror which in normal circumstances would have meant that the Basilisk was showing off its new contact lenses.  
  
The Potionsmaster took the five seconds of immobility to smirk at the group before waving his wand and restoring everything to normal. "As I was saying, today we will be dealing with-"  
  
Snape was once again cut off by a loud outburst. Fred and George had set off a dungbomb, and reeking fumes were quickly filling the dungeon. Argus Filch screeched like a Ringwraith and ran flatfootedly out of the room after the two Weasleys.  
  
"As I was *saying*," began Professor Severus Snape for the third time. "Today we will be dealing with insults."  
  
"Slimy-haired git!" cackled Eibbor Nakrus.  
  
"Greasy moron!" added C-Chan.  
  
Severus drew his wand and turned the two of them into sheep. Ally watched, horrified, as Eibbor Nakrus and C-Chan "baaa'd" loudly and ran out of the classroom, taking the right that would lead them to the Hospital Wing.  
  
"Those were poorly constructed insults. They are clichéd and used too often. Today we have guest lecturers, Dudley Dursley and Peter Pettigrew," said Snape softly, pocketing his wand. The Potionsmaster then retreated to the back of the room as two over-weight people entered.  
  
Dudley Dursley was obese, there was no question about it. Ally could easily see why Harry disliked him, he had mean eyes and an air that suggested bullying about his person. Peter Pettigrew, though. There was something about him that made Ally want to hug him...  
  
"No! No more Loveratus!" cried Agent AAA. San Carpenter the Insane seconded the Wantingmor's exclamation with wails of her own.  
  
Pettigrew sighed and waved his wand, dispelling the Fan-Created Spell's effects. Love potions were not allowed at Hogwarts, let alone HFA. That particular FCS had been banned by Meir Brin in the staff section, but Pettigrew had found loop-hole there. She hadn't said anything about the *rest* of the school. "I never get any love..." sighed Peter in a melancholy manner.  
  
The Sirius-lusters hissed at him.  
  
Dudley Dursley opened his mouth, causing his several chins to wobble uncontrollably. "I would like to say that I am a self-righteous bully. I am also," he paused, and swallowed, "fat. My fatness is secondary to me being a bully. I would appreciate it if you remembered that."  
  
A bunch of Slasherings giggled. Peter Pettigrew stepped up to the lectern.  
  
"My name is Peter Pettigrew. I would like to say that, before I found my current Master, I was best friends with Sirius, James, and Remus."  
  
The Sirius- and Remus-lusters got to their feet angrily. A few of them had sharpened their useless wands into points and were advancing on Wormtail as if to rat-kebab him.  
  
Ally leaned back and waited for Wormtail to do something amusing, such as making them dance the tango backwards, or giving them panda ears, something HFA-like in quality. It didn't come. Instead, Pettigrew looked straight at her.  
  
"I know what you are all thinking," said Pettigrew coldly, still watching Ally. "He couldn't stand up to You-Know-Who, and he's really bad at magic. Well, I'm going to put that rumor to a rest. You, girl. Come here."  
  
Ally "meeped". What did she do? She hadn't done anything to provoke the wrath or Wormtail, had she? But then again, Pettigrew was the weakest Marauder. She could probably outrun him, couldn't she? At least she wasn't facing someone like Sirius Black. He was worth being afraid of. Slowly, her knees shaking, Ally stood up and walked to the front of the room.  
  
"Do y-you fear me?" he asked, a bit of his old stutter coming through his (unusually) even voice.  
  
"Y-y-yes," said Ally, stuttering worse than Pettigrew and Quirrell combined. Though she could possibly outrun him, she didn't want to push the odds.  
  
The traitor looked slightly disappointed, but then composed himself. With a small pop he transformed into a rat and latched onto her ankle with sharp little fangs.  
  
Ally went mad. "That hurts!" she screamed, shaking her leg wildly, trying to dislodge the rat. As that seemed to be Pettigrew's intent (though that was a cheesy way to accomplish it, Ally would admit in later days. Why didn't he use one of those bad curses?) he was loathe to let go. Ally reached down and grabbed his tiny little furry body and pried his teeth out of her flesh. Before she knew what she was doing (it was a teacher, after all), Ally was banging the rat's head on the board, screaming as blood flowed from her leg.  
  
"Stupid- stupid- stupid- rat- I- hate- you-" said Ally, punctuating each word with a bang of Pettigrew on the chalkboard.  
  
Suddenly there was a pop, and Peter Pettigrew, in human form, was lying on the ground, clutching at a bruised skull. And then he went totally still.  
  
Severus Snape swooped over from his position by the wall. He bent down and checked the man over, giving him a kick for good measure. "That was one of Pettigrew's more stupid ideas. Congratulations, Miss White. You appear to have concussed him."  
  
*********  
  
"But what *is* it?" asked Meir Brin for the third time, walking around the glittering bronze contraption.  
  
Lord Voldemort jumped up and down excitedly. "It's a siege-engine, of course. I made it myself out of Selaria and fangirl-glue."  
  
"Fangirl-glue?" asked Meir Brin skeptically, running a hand over the bright mechanisms.  
  
"LVJ invented it. You take some grease, glue, and a bucket of drool," Meir Brin pulled her hand away from the machine as if she had been burned. Voldemort continued as if nothing had happened. "You mix it all together, heat it over some green flames, and then you have super-sticky fangirl- glue!"  
  
Tom Riddle rolled his eyes from his position on the floor next to the catapult. "Will you ever grow up? 'Super-sticky'? How immature can you get?" asked the Riddle.  
  
"Pipe down, you. I came up with the idea, and you can sit there and sulk, just do not ruin my lovely machine," said Lord Voldemort.  
  
"You're not my father!" shouted Tom Riddle angrily.  
  
"I'm better than our father! I am Lord Voldemort!" shrieked the Dark Lord.  
  
From his seat on the ground, Tom Riddle bit his lip. "I am too." He turned his back on his older self and pulled out a small black book. "Dear Diary," he said aloud, producing a quill out of no where and beginning to write. "Today Big Vold. is being really stupid. I think that he must have sat on his wand, because he sure does have something up his-"  
  
"Give me that, you filthy little boy!" shrieked Lord Voldemort before his younger self could finish. "I'll kill you, dumb little Mudblood!"  
  
LVJ cackled from his stroller and blew some spit-bubbles. "He is rubber, you are glue. Why you say to him applies to you!" babbled Lord Voldemort Junior.  
  
Tom Riddle stopped writing to look at the nasty-looking baby. "It applies to you as well, if you wish to be technical."  
  
Meir Brin sighed and turned her attention back to the siege engine. "What do you intend to do with this, anyway?"  
  
Lord Voldemort stopped and shrugged. "I don't know. I just like saying that I have one. Hey, you!" he said, getting the attention of Professor Vector. "I have a siege engine!"  
  
Vector hurried away, clutching a heavy book to her chest.  
  
"See? It scares people!" exclaimed the Dark Lord.  
  
Meir Brin scratched her chin thoughtfully. "Did you ever consider the fact that most of the people at HFA are scared of you? It could be just your... imposing presence, and not the siege engine." Meir Brin raised an eyebrow, taking in his "imposing presence". Lord Voldemort was wearing his favorite Snoopy sweatshirt, and had yellow wind-pants on as well. Over top of this was his customary black robes, but somehow the Snoopy effect just generally diminished the whole ensemble.  
  
"What should we test this on, then?" asked Tom Riddle, eying his older self as if the Senior Voldemort was merely a rambunctious child.  
  
"We might fling some things into the lake," babbled LVJ happily.  
  
Suddenly, Meir Brin had an idea. Placing a hand on the two somewhat normal sized Voldemorts' backs, she drew them into a half-huddle. "Have you ever considered demolishing Gryffindor Tower? I'm sure that the Wantingmors would enjoy it..."  
  
The three Voldemorts conspired together late into the night, enjoying the thoughts of victory, revenge, and how much they all liked Girl Scout Cookies. They would have a big surprise for the Wantingmors in the morning, especially those who liked to call him "mildly depressed with controlling tendencies" instead of "Y-you-know-y-you".  
  
The maniacal laughter lasted long into the night. 


	30. Acts of Violence, Pain, and Slash

Meir Brin surveyed the spot, then happily unfolded her plastic lawn chair. A couple meters in front of her, Lord Voldemort (senior) was putting the final touches on his Selaria siege engine, while Tom Riddle happily penned his newest diary entry.  
  
"Dearest Diary," began Riddle, flourishing a raven's quill. "Today Big Me decided that myself and LVJ should do something as a person. We decided that the best way to bond would be to create a weapon of confined destruction, so I came up with the idea of building a treb- treb- Big V! How do you spell 'trebuchet'?"  
  
"T-R-E-B-U-C-H-E-T," babbled the smallest Voldemort.  
  
"Thank you, LVJ!" called Tom Riddle, bending over his diary once again.  
  
Meir Brin leaned back in her lawn chair and watched He-Who-Must-Not-Be- Named-In-Parenthesis-Senior load the medieval siege engine with what looked like a "tonite" from Professor Trelawney's rock garden. High above them Gryffindor Tower loomed, full of unsuspecting Wantingmors. There was the sound of clacking pincers, and Dobbie the Mini-Aragog wandered over with Hedwit, balancing a tray of drinks on his back.  
  
"You orderedses theses?" hissed Dobbie.  
  
Meir Brin checked the beverages. Four pints of Bleepto-Dismal, and a cask of Bleepka for the Voldemorts. The Mini-Aragogs had certainly gone overboard in their creation of the medication. All derived from Bleeprin, the preferred medication of PPC Agents, the slightly less corrosive Bleepto- Dismal was guaranteed to alluvia headaches brought on by Badfic. And with the Badfic cluttering the Net, every ounce was needed.  
  
"Whee-hee!!" cried Lord Voldemort Senior suddenly. Meir Brin's attention snapped back to the trebuchet, just in time to see the huge "tonite" catapult through the air. Unfortunately, it did not quite reach its intended target.  
  
*********  
  
Ally White's fifth class of "Quidditch is Not For Everyone" had started out better than most of her lessons. First off, Ludo Bagman was instructing, and had attempted to teach the fanwriters how to use a Beater's bat. This did not go so well, as Skye had confiscated all of the Slashering and Lusterbuff Beater's bats, mostly because the two houses seemed to never be able to hit a Bludger and always managed to smack each other instead.  
  
Nonetheless, this was the first time that Ally had ever managed to stay on a broomstick without it either insulting her or deciding to break off its cushioning charm so that she would slip off. It was rather fun, actually, once you got the hang of having only a slender piece of wood between the ground and yourself. As Bagman was somewhat occupied with the Slashering- Lusterbuff Feud of Hate, Ally decided that this might be the best time to skiv off and explore Hogwarts when she had the best view.  
  
Passing the Greenhouse complex, Ally meandered her broomstick around the high towers of Hogwarts, wondering which one was Gryffindor's. Perhaps one of these windows had belonged to Harry Potter! Ally flew a little lower, trying to peek into one of the darkened openings.  
  
It came out of nowhere, a loud "whoosh!" that ricocheted across Ally's eardrums. Turning too late, Ally's eyes widened in shock, as a great "tonite" grew steadily larger and larger in her field of vision. Then the rock slammed into her, splintering the Shooting Star that she was ridding into several million little pieces. Ally had the distinct impression of a giant fly swatter, before blacking out completely.  
  
When Ally woke up, she had about three other distinct impressions. One, it was dark, two, about half of her skeleton was broken, and three, there was a tall hooded figure standing over her exuding darkness and sorrow. Ally screamed.  
  
The figure didn't seem the slightest bit perturbed by this. It drew a slimy, rotten hand out from underneath its robe, and moved down to clasp Ally's neck in its fetid hand. Ally tried to move away, tried to scramble back... She couldn't, that bone was broken, too.  
  
"Dementor, stay back!" screamed Ally, terror unlike anything she had ever felt rising in her voice. This was worse than the Gringotts vaults, twenty times as worse, she would die, her soul would be stolen, and no one would know, no one would find her shell, she would-  
  
"All right, you. Pipe down, I'm not going to steal your soul," said the hooded figure. Slowly the lights came back on, and Ally realized that she was in the Hospital Wing.  
  
Madam Pomfrey drew back the hood, and with a wave of her wand her hand became whole and totally un-Dementor-like. "A good bit of shock always teaches them best, I say. You shouldn't have wandered away from your class, especially while Those-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named are testing out their siege engine. I expect you've learned your lesson?"  
  
If Madam Pomfrey had expected a coherent response, she would have been disappointed by the Canonical "mimblewimble" that Ally produced. The young fanwriter had no color in her face, and her blue eyes were as wide as the Textitus rock that she had collided with.  
  
Shrugging her shoulders, Madam Pomfrey shoved a funnel into Ally's mouth and dumped about five liquid tons of potion into her system. At last Ally started sputtering, and felt her bones realign themselves painfully. "Can I stay here?" asked Ally shyly as Madam Pomfrey removed the funnel.  
  
Madam Pomfrey looked at the terrified former fangirl. "You have an hour."  
  
Ally sighed. At least it was better than returning to QUINFE (the preferred acronym for "Quidditch is Not For Everyone") and explaining to Ludo Bagman why she wasn't in class. Settling into her sheets, Ally tried to look as inconspicuous as possible in case the Mini-Aragogs came in looking for "playmates". And though that did not refer to the "Playboy" type of playmates (which would have been a mental image too strong to for even Bleeprin to handle), it was still a pretty bad thing.  
  
"... Not sure what happened, but one second he was fine, and the next he was trying to feel up Sirius," said an unhappy voice from down the passage. Ally's ears perked up, and she wondered what was going on.  
  
Muffled sobs could be heard, and Ally then realized that Lily Potter was crying. The Canonlaw peeked over her bed sheets, looking to see where the noise was coming from. "My husband, my wonderful husband..."  
  
A high falsetto giggle echoed down the corridor, followed by a loud smack.  
  
"That wasn't funny, James!" shouted Sirius Black angrily. "Should I just knock him out? He's a danger to himself, and to us," said the convicted criminal.  
  
There was another smack, then Remus Lupin seemed to say, "Please do," though gritted teeth.  
  
Looking out the entrance way of the Hospital Wing, Ally saw a couple of red stunners shoot across the hall, and realized that one of the Marauders must have rendered James unconscious. All of this seemed to make very little sense to Ally, but then again she *had* just been smashed into a large rock tower seven stories in the air.  
  
"Do you think it might have been a Slashering?" asked Lily, her voice overflowing with sadness. "I will have them running the gauntlet if this is irreparable!"  
  
"They don't have wands, Lily," said Remus' reasonable voice.  
  
"I don't care how they did it! It was a Slash-minded person! Or one of those 'Snape-is-Harry's-Father' people! What did they do to him? What did they do to James?" she cried, and the meaning of what all had been said finally sunk into Ally's medium-sized brain. Oh. So someone had made James Potter homosexual. That would explain it.  
  
A modicum of fear curled around Ally's heart. Would the same fate await Harry Potter?  
  
*********  
  
Author's Note: Yay, another chapter! Sorry it took so long, folks. And Happy Easter/Passover/Spring-type Holiday of your choice to everyone!  
  
-Meir Brin 


	31. The Dueling Seminar and UnWanded Innuend...

Ally was released from the Hospital Wing within the next hour (or, more precisely, kicked out on her bum), and fell to wandering about the castle, hoping that Peeves would have the decency to not try and steal her undergarments as he had before. The incident with James Potter was still fresh on her mind, and it fell to gnawing at her thoughts like a small, voracious rodent. Poor Lily.  
  
At last she returned to her Common Room, only to find that there was a large crowd gathered around a table in the middle of the House.  
  
"What is it?" asked Ally, elbowing her way through the masses of blue- cloaked fanwriters.  
  
Penelope Ross giggled excitedly and pointed to a very large book propped up on the table. "The Planner Book of Planning said that we're learning to duel this evening!"  
  
"Planner Book of Planning?" asked Ally confusedly.  
  
"Hermione insisted on putting one in every Common Room after the Lusterbuffs were late for "Wizarding the Lab Practical". I heard that it shouts at you five hours before your scheduled appointment. Isn't that spiffy? Now we'll never be late for The Commitment of Evilness! Mmm... Tom Riddle..." Penelope then dragged her toaster up to the dorm, mumbling about yummy Dark Lords and the like.  
  
Ally shook her head. Personally, being awaken five hours before her first class (eight o'clock in the morning every day) did not sound like much fun at all. But still... Dueling...  
  
Ally hurried off into a secluded corner of the Common Room, clutching her book bag excitedly. Dueling! Ever since she had read about the Dueling Club in "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" she had wanted to try it. There was something elegant and beautiful about the art. And also, in Ally's premature fangirl brain, the only way to duel was in fancy dress costumes. And fancy dress costumes... those were sure-fire way to attract one's lust-object...  
  
*No, no, no, no, no, no, no!* thought the Canonlaw fanwriter angrily. *No lusting! I gave that up! I am *above* it!*  
  
Ally looked down at her skirt. She was drooling again.  
  
*Ah, well. I guess you can't be strong all of the time.*  
  
*********  
  
Meir Brin watched exhaustedly as Albus Dumbledore finished putting the last stabilizing spells on the walls of the Great Hall. The entire school was being forced to attend the Dueling Seminar, after some bogus spells by the name of "Haba Daba Wedger Fedger" and "Lecha Fecha Speecha Nomorea" had shown up last month claiming to be the Wedgie Curse and the Silencing Charm, respectively.  
  
And then there had been the incident in which Asteria had found Ye Olde Book of Dueling in the Library, and had attempted to curse Peter Pettigrew using her wand. And of course, abiding by the Inter-continuum Laws of Irony, the spell (which should have in all circumstances fizzled into oblivion) hit Wormtail in the form of a five-pound cattle prod. Madam Pomfrey was still trying to remove the "Lusterbuff 4eva" mark that it had left on his bum.  
  
But it was not only the plight of Peter Pettigrew that had made up Meir Brin's mind concerning the Dueling Class. Last week and truly dreadful Mary Sue had shown up on campus and done a little number called "Anything the Canon Characters can do SUCKS compared to my pristine abilities". She was now dangling upside down above to the Abysmal Pit of Comedic Reversal. If the authors were to learn how to write, they would need some experience in the fields. Which had caused the dread proclamation: the fanwriters were getting a wand-upgrade.  
  
The bell rang, and Wantingmors, Lusterbuffs, Canonlaws, and Slasherings poured into the Hall, passing the spelled entrances that would enhance their wands. Standing on a stage at the far side of the room, Professors Flitwick, Snape, and Moody surveyed the crowd anxiously. Meir Brin patted Voldemart and Mavello, whispering the command of "Attack! -If they come within a five-foot radius".  
  
The students milled about, some chattering excitedly, others looking quite nauseated. That might have been the Essence of Tantaflaf that Fred and George had slipped into the evening stew, or the fact that Mad-Eye Moody looked reading to skin someone alive.  
  
"Welcome to Dueling Seminar 101. If you little snots learn anything here we might consider letting you have another lesson, but that's only if the Mini-Aragogs bring back a good report," snapped Meir Brin, walking to the center of the table.  
  
Hanging from the ceiling, the Mini-Aragogs let out a collective hiss of "Fffff -click- keekeeeen".  
  
"Now, I doubt any of you have given a thought to how this seminar will run, as your wands are somewhat-" Meir Brin grinned evilly, "debilitated. However, we of the staff of HFA, feeling strangely benevolent, have decided that, instead of hexing you around the castle as we had before intended, we will upgrade your wands to accommodate five simple, Canonical dueling spells. I will now step down and let the more than competent Professors Flitwick, Snape, and Moody take over."  
  
Severus Snape walked to the front of the stage wearing his usual nasty expression. "Five spells. They are the Fanon 'Flipendo' jinx, 'Expelliarmus', 'Incendio', 'Stupefy', and 'Serpensortia'. Nothing too difficult for you to handle, I hope? Because I wanted to string you up by your hamstrings and use Unforgivables on you. That would have taught you not to turn me into an angsty weakling, wouldn't it?! You- you-"  
  
"That's enough, Severus," wheezed Professor Flitwick, stepping forward and elbowing Snape sharply in the groin.  
  
Snape (and the entire Sevvie's Angels brigade) winced sharply and the Potionsmaster retreated into the shadows. "That wasn't- very professional" muttered Snape angrily.  
  
Flitwick chuckled to himself. "He had that coming for a while," said the tiny Charms professor. "Moving on, I would now like you all to attempt your spells. Grasp your wand firmly-"  
  
A tidal wave of giggles swept through the crowd of fanwriters.  
  
"What is so funny?" barked Mad-Eye Moody angrily.  
  
"You- you said... -wand!!" exclaimed a Slashering student from the middle of the room.  
  
Professor Flitwick appeared utterly confused. "Yes, this is a wand. And in order to cast a dueling spell you must hold it in front of you and wave it-"  
  
There was another roar of laughter. Meir Brin made a sound of frustration and jumped to her feet, brandishing the Switch of Character Banishment menacingly. "Do we have to go over the Innuendo Phrase again? Repeat after me, 'There are sometimes when a wand is just a wand. It is not always a codeword for a certain appendage. If I decide to construe it as such, Meir Brin will use my intestines for jumping rope'."  
  
A hush fell over the crowd, and then the Lusterbuffs and Slasherings hesitantly repeated the phrase. Mad-Eye Moody had meanwhile taken Professor Flitwick aside, and was explaining the situation to him. From what Meir Brin could see of the Charms professor, he was blushing more furiously every passing second.  
  
With a final glare at the fanwriters, Meir Brin returned to her watchful post, keeping an eye on the Snape Fangirls, lest they take advantage of him in his... ah... wounded state.  
  
A very red Professor Flitwick resumed his speech. "As I was saying, you hold your... spell-caster, and move it thusly, saying the word of your spell. Try it out on your own."  
  
Apparently, "Try it out on your own" were the keywords to chaos and student torture.  
  
A couple shouts of "Incendio!" were heard, as well as some random bursts of flame. Meir Brin watched amusedly as Leo Haven and Lyssie St. Cloud of Canonlaw hit each other with the Stunning Spell, knocking each other out. Claudia Beth King was running about like a maniac, her skirt having been set on fire by C-Chan, who was trying to disengage Voldermolt the Mini- Aragog from the back of her head (she had hit the spider with an "Expelliarmus" by accident).  
  
On the opposite side of the room Molly Morgan and Neshomeh were attempting to ward off a giant snake that had just been produced by Rhiannon. Red sparks were flying from Kristin's corner of the room, where she was frantically throwing Stunners at the Mini-Aragogs.  
  
In yet another area of the Great Hall, Dethryl had been captured by the Lochhardt and Gileroy, and was now being dangled several feet above the ground by their sticky web. Meir Brin would have felt less malicious hate toward him if not for the fact that he had put her name down for "object of my affection" on his HFA form. At her Fanfiction Academy, an act such as that was the equivalent of walking out in a thunderstorm wearing a suit of tin foil and waving metal golf clubs over your head on the highest mountain in the area.  
  
Surveying the general chaos surrounding the Dueling Class, Meir Brin chortled quietly to herself. They *would* have to do this more often. 


	32. Missing Minis, Punishing Plays, and Frig...

Meir Brin woke up early Wednesday morning to the sound of tapping at her door. Wiping the sleep out of her eyes, she recognized the scraping of Mini-Aragog feet before seven spiders burst into her room, all untangled and dripping wet. Unlike most of the Mini-Aragogs, these spiders were not so big or muscular as the normal variety, and probably did not play in the MAPLE league. Nevertheless, they were frightened, and that was an unusual trait in Mini-Aragogs.  
  
"What is it now?" yawned Meir Brin, checking the clock. It was only four.  
  
Mogonagle stepped forward, shivering slightly. "Missingses! Many missingses... Cannot playses tricks, cannot go climbingses... All goneses! All goneses!"  
  
"Steady on," said Meir Brin, "You mean that some of the Mini-A.'s have gone missing?"  
  
Perry rolled his eight eyes. "Yeses. And we'reses Mini-Aragogs, not 'Mini- A.'ses'."  
  
Blinking rapidly, Meir Brin reached for her cloak. "Sorry. Could you hang on a little bit? I'll be down in a minute."  
  
Approximately ten minutes later, the HFA coordinator found herself outside in the predawn light following the Mini-Aragogs through the Forbidden Forest. Grumbling under her breath, Meir Brin kept a mental tally of the tree branches, roots, and spiders that she tripped over. At last, the Mini- Aragogs reached their location. Aragog's domain.  
  
Great domed webs were spun all over the place, some proclaiming interesting messages such as "Have you tortured a fangirl today?" and "Lockhardt's Hair Spray Potion: Makes Fur Shiny Soft!". At the far corner of the arachnid domain, Aragog was busy scribbling love notes to Shelob, who had returned to her home at OFUM.  
  
"Lookses," said Mogonagle, shaking out her black fur and pointing to the trees, which teemed with webbing and Mini-Aragog nests. "Only fortyses here, we missingses three hundredses!"  
  
Readjusting her glasses, Brin was struggled to comprehend this. It was too early in the morning. "But... surely there are others elsewhere? In the castle, or guarding their name-mistakes..."  
  
Perry (who was one of Percy Weasley's name-mistakes) shook his head (body? abdomen?). "We comeses to watcheses MSTses. All here, none up at school."  
  
Meir Brin didn't know whether to be worried or angry. "You have MST's here? Where did you get them? May I see?" Then adopting an Arthur Weasley-esque change of attitude, she corrected herself. "But who's guarding the lust-objects then?"  
  
Perry waved a leg dismissively. "Putses the Marauders and Dursely onses the jobses. Pretty safeses, no doubts."  
  
Meir Brin had to agree. Few students had managed to get past the Dursely Jelly-monster yet. And those who had had come out smelling like potpourri and Grandma's jam rolls, which did wonders at deterring the Canon Characters. "But still, where are all of the Minis? I have over four hundred of you registered; you can't just disappear!"  
  
Mogonagle clacked her pincers. "Don't knowses. Here one day, lost tomorrowses. Looked, and looked, but not comingses back! Where'd they goeses?"  
  
A shadow of worry crossed Meir Brin's face. "It is most curious. If anything, I would say that you Mini-Aragogs are our strongest defense. To strip HFA of its guardians... is it the fangirls' chicanery, or is our Canon falling apart?"  
  
*********  
  
Ally White fidgeted in her seat nervously. It was not an uncommon occurrence. HFA as a whole was radiating apprehension. Whether it was the students, happily counting the days until Book the Fifth, or the Canon Characters awaiting their transformation, all appeared as if someone had poured worms down their pants, or afflicted them with a Jittering Charm.  
  
Looking up at the stage, Ally looked at the program folded in her hands. "The Pirates of Penance: An HFA Production." Truthfully, Ally did not mind this disturbance from her regular classes. Though the Slasherings were all complaining about it (as their House made up the bulk of the cast), Ally couldn't help but feel relieved that she didn't have to sit through Professor Binns' droning on about the difference between a crumpet and a bagel.  
  
The curtain rose slowly, as if hesitant to begin. At once a wailing unlike anything Ally had ever heard before started up. Looking at the seats up ahead of her, Danica Maupoissant's ears had actually started to bleed. Snapping her drool-cloth over her head, Ally looked at the stage tentatively.  
  
Fifteen House Elves had been given specialized Dress-Dish Cloths. Their mouths were opened, and they were wailing as if someone had poured lava over their toes. It was the Chumdeleidalalala spell, the FCS that broke eardrums and trampled through a fanwriters mind like a herd of elephants. Ally started stuffing liberal amounts of cotton into her ears.  
  
The next portion of the program began with an amusing light show. The Mini- Aragogs seemed to have acquired laser pointers, and after deafening the fanwriters appeared to want to blind them as well. Ally pulled her towel over her head, and fingered her five-spelling wand. Much as she would have liked to, cursing the Mini-Aragogs did not seem to be one of the better ideas, especially after Catrin Pritchard had attempted it (she was currently enjoying her time in Professor McGonagall's care as the new "human transfiguration demonstrator", and showed up every so often with panda paws or walrus whiskers). Most of the fanwriters had come to the conclusion that their wands could work on each other, and on the general surroundings, but not on the staff members. A major disappointment, to say the least.  
  
Later on in the evening, GwendolynMorgan was tossed onto the stage, wearing what looked like a pea coat made of seaweed. She began to sing, nervously. "I am the very model of a silly sort of fanwriter, I've information haphazard, random, and slightly canonical, I know the Heir of Slytherin, and I quote the duels historical From Azkaban to Honeydukes, in order categorical; I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters of Transmutation, I understand d'vination, both the orb-like and palmistrical, About Herbology I'm knowing 'bout a lot o' neat old potion brews, With many painful facts about HFA's methods o' magic-abuse."  
  
Then Ablus and Mavello the Mini-Aragogs showed up and chased her off stage. The Canon Characters, in their soundproof and polarized box, applauded loudly and laughed as even more Mini-Aragogs chased Knightsky and Bre behind the curtains.  
  
Ally was about to take cover (she could sense a "burn-the-fanwriter" riot coming on), when suddenly a tremor shot through the ground. A flock of owls were dislodged from the rafters and swooped down to take a safer position. Ally's stomach gave a lurch as the lights flickered. *Lumos...* she thought, panicking, *Why couldn't they have taught us 'Lumos'?*  
  
At the back of the hall, Lucius Malfoy and Barty Crouch Jr. jumped to their feet, sealing off the doors magically. Ally heard Redfire, seated next to her, whisper happily that this must be it, Book Five was here!  
  
The ground lurched once more, and what looked like a giant rip opened up in the sky. Light poured into the Hall, and a strange thumping noise could be heard, almost like "Brum, be-diddly bump bump! Brum, bidilly ump, ump! Bump, bump, boom!"  
  
At the back of the Hall, Ally heard Meir Brin's reassurances to the Canon Characters, "This cannot be Book Five! It's not even June yet!"  
  
"Then what is it?" shouted Draco Malfoy over the earthquake.  
  
"I know, I've read about this!" called Hermione, stabilizing herself against the wall. "It must be a rumor, or speculation! But- I don't understand, this couldn't affect us! It isn't confirmed-" Hermione was cut off as the earth vibrated once more, and the Gryffindor student was thrown to the ground.  
  
At once the rip vanished, and the tremors stopped. Ally brushed the remains of her singed blonde hair out of her eyes, and tried to locate any of the fanwriters who might have come through the ordeal unharmed. The Great Hall looked like a disaster area. What had been a neat, well-ordered auditorium before had been smashed and turned on end. Chairs were strewn around like a pile of pick-up sticks; one was actually halfway through the wall. The torchlights were beginning to re-ignite themselves, though a few were taking on the form of a pineapple, for some odd reason.  
  
And scribbled on the wall, in a color that could only be described as "Blello", were the ominous words: "Buk 5 is comin! Teh Order of the Phenoix! Yay! I wanna go to Hoggiewarts!!!!11"  
  
Ally's stomach turned. What had just happened?  
  
*********  
  
Author's Notes: There is a passage in this chapter based upon the song "I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major-General" from "The Pirates of Penzance". Just so you know, I don't own that musical, Gilbert and Sullivan do. Cheers to all of you guys who have reviewed; I love to get feedback. ^_^ 


	33. A Few Professors and a Staring Contest

It was hopeless. No matter how many times she tried, Ally could not erase the memory. The screaming fanwriters, the shades of Blello pouring through the windows, splintered glass tearing through tapestry and table alike.  
  
Sitting in the Canonlaw House bathroom, Ally pressed her forehead against the cool ceramic tiles. *Why did they have to blame *us*? We didn't do it!* she thought, her mind snapping with frustration. *Speaking for myself, I have enough pride to call Hogwarts 'Hogwarts', not 'Hoggiewarts'. The Canon Characters have got to lighten up!*  
  
"Ally, come out!" called Molly W from the Common Room. "We have to go to 'Heredity before Hagrid decides to 'reward' us by letting us play football with his skrewts again!"  
  
Sighing, Ally got to her feet and looked in the mirror. A gaunt, beaten face stared back at her, smeared with Blello. Blello. Possibly the most annoying "color" ever, if one could call it that. Some of the fanwriters had remarked that it reminded them of Urple, whatever that was. Blello. It didn't seem to want to come out, no matter how much Ally scrubbed. Blello. Most aggravating.  
  
Skipping down the steps into the Common Room, Ally couldn't help but think of how much she had changed. For one thing, Ally certainly *looked* different than she had that time last autumn when she had written her fanfiction and published it on the Net. Her hair was no longer a bleached blonde, having grown out sufficiently that only the part from her ears down resembled that shade, as the top had returned to mousy brown. The rest was singed, charred, and usually streaked with mud or the various potions that Snape felt the urge to throw at his students when the fanwriters did something abysmally stupid. Such as call him Sevvie-kins. Grandmomma Longlegs had learned that the hard way.  
  
Ally left the Canonlaw dorms with a pack of her housemates, noticing the stripe of turquoise-yellow that was still dripping on the walls of the corridors. At last they made their way down the main staircase, and Ally realized that she had completely forgotten her textbooks. A slight shudder ran through her veins. Traveling alone was dangerous, especially when it could incite an attack of the Fellowship of the Peeves. Nasty little buggers, the whole crew was plotting something once again, and-  
  
Wait a minute, what if *they* had done that? Ally stopped in her tracks. The Fellowship of the Peeves was all about annoying things, and Blello was certainly annoying enough to be a Peeves calling card. She bit her lip, then sprinted up to the Canonlaw dorms once again, remembering a little too late to jump the trick step.  
  
She was just passing by the Charms room when a conversation drifted out through the door and stole her attention (just as conversations are wont to do).  
  
"... but it would be in our least interests to fight them; we haven't the power or the stability to ward off so many. I fear that surrender, complete and utter surrender is the only thing in our future," said a mournful voice.  
  
"Oh, put a sock in it Trelawney. The attack yesterday was bad, but it wasn't terrible enough to worry Quirrell, and anything that moves seems to worry him nowadays."  
  
"My dear Minerva, Quirrell is not worrying because Ludo slipped sedatives into his pumpkin juice this morning, surely you observed? Oh, of course not. I had been crystal gazing and saw it in a vision."  
  
McGonagall snorted. "Ah... yes. And please refrain from calling me 'Shirley'." Ally could not see the speakers, but she guessed that McGonagall was doing that odd eye-twitch thing that had nearly given Chelsea a heart attack. If there was one way a fanwriter didn't want a Canon Character to look at them, it was as if the fanwriter was an extremely annoying parasite that the Canon Character wanted to kill, grind, and can.  
  
"My apologies, my dear ungifted Minerva," said Trelawney in her ethereal voice. There was a sucking noise that suggested that the two women were drinking tea.  
  
"Well, I believe that will be all for today," said a different voice. Ally flattened herself against the wall as she recognized the voice of Lily Potter. "Your time is up, but I think we have made some progress here today. We can have a civilized conversation if we work at it, remember that."  
  
"Though I doubt my esteemed psyche ever needed counseling for Outer Sources, it is always a pleasure to speak with one of such understanding," commented the Divination professor.  
  
McGonagall snorted once again. "Esteemed psyche my paws," she growled.  
  
And despite Lily's best efforts, the two women managed to inflict sizable injuries on one another. This in turn put them both in a state of paralysis that even Madam Pomfrey could not fix. With the two professors in full-body casts the sentinel of Characters guarding the Harry Potter Canon was once again weakened..  
  
*********  
  
Black circles hung under Meir Brin's eyes as she took her place in the Staff seating area near the Quidditch pitch. It seemed like only yesterday that she had been checking the Mini-Aragogs before their first MAPLE game. The HFA coordinator balanced the Switch tiredly over her knee, and her whole frame seemed to droop. Generally, staying up for three days would do that to you.  
  
*They must be here, somewhere, anywhere! What sort of plothole could capture and incapacitate four hundred healthy Mini-Aragogs?* thought Meir Brin, brushing dirt off of her hands slowly. *I cannot understand it; they knew what was going on, but couldn't figure out what. And Aragog says that only a few orcs have come through the OFUM plothole...*  
  
The HFA coordinator slumped and rubbed her eyes. "I hope we can last long enough without them," she said out loud. "And perhaps Elessor and Giligad will find the answer of this disappearance at OFUM."  
  
"Have you heard back from them yet?" asked a voice suddenly, and Meir Brin would have jumped out of her skin had aforementioned skin not been so accursedly tired.  
  
"Dark_One?" she asked curiously. Sure enough, the shape-shifter materialized into the chair next to her. "What's new?" asked Meir Brin, hoping that it was the Mini-Aragogs, or similar good news. Perhaps a fanwriter had fallen into the Plagiarist's Inferno. That was always good for a show; Klose had even roped off a section along the sidelines to watch and eat popcorn.  
  
She shook her head. "I went through all of the fanwriter dorms. No hidden tunnels, no trussed up spiders, not even any bouillabaisse for silencing payments."  
  
"I don't understand it, they cannot just *disappear*," stammered Meir Brin, pushing hair out of her eyes in frustration. "Dursely and Weasely have even vanished as well. Its as if all of our guardians are being kidnapped. The Misspelled Marauders are working overtime, but with just the seven of them..."  
  
"I thought there were only four," commented Dark_One Shadowphyre.  
  
"There were. Now we have Misspelled Marauders X, Y, and Z. But that's hardly enough to keep the Canon Characters safe during classes. Especially at such a vulnerable time."  
  
Dark_One pointed at Lucius Malfoy chasing Molly Morgan and Selena Luna around the perimeter of the pitch, shouting something along the lines of "Steal another lock of my son's hair and I don't care what house you're in, I'll skin you alive and feed you to Orfalda!"  
  
"They seem competent enough to me."  
  
Meir Brin replied by pointing to a surge of fanwriters walking down to the field from the castle. They were moving a little too quickly to be simply running for their lives, but too slow to be being chased by something. It was exactly 28 miles per hour. The recorded speed of a glomping fangirl. "Is that Sirius Black down there?" she asked, starting to get to her feet.  
  
Dark_One squinted slightly, then transformed into a large bird. Gliding down to the source of the problem, she arrived just in time to see Sirius Black go under a wave of lustful writers. Up in the stands, Meir Brin witnessed a rather large explosion and several fangirls being tossed into the air.  
  
Approximately ten minutes later, a truckload of fanwriters was being removed to the Hospital Wing with a menagerie of bumps, bruises, cuts, and bites. The population that was not experiencing painful difficulties were in the stands, wondering how there could be a MAPLE ("Mini-Aragog Paintball League -Extreme") without the Mini-Aragogs.  
  
"Point and counterpoint," said Shadowphyre, returning to the stands. "Are we beginning?"  
  
Meir Brin nodded and disappeared down the rafter-like steps to the coaching booths. A quick conference with Professors Snape and Trelawney would produce a suitable compromise. But that would be a "compromise" in only the loosest sense of the word.  
  
"'Tiddlywinks' is not a suitable replacement for a MAPLE game!" argued Snape angrily.  
  
"On the contrary, Severus dear, I have always enjoyed a good game of 'Tiddlywinks'. And with my limited movement..." Trelawney cast her magnified eyes over the full-body cast that she had been encased in. "I fear it will be the only way... Alas, my death was coming, and as I knew of it so soon, I cannot help but fear that in the near future my mortal body will pass on to the nether-life, and I shall remain only in spirit, to help and to guide your poor unfortunate spirits..."  
  
Snape threw up his hands in exasperation. "If you even think of coming back as a ghost, I will *ensure* that you outlive me one way or another."  
  
Nearby, Onyx sent up a great wail: "No, Severus, don't do it! Angst but no suicide! Angst but no suicide!"  
  
The Potionsmaster rolled his eyes and stalked off to the other side of the booth, where the fanwriters could not see him. Meir Brin gave the immortal expression of "heaven help me" and flipped through "Ye Great Big Book of Rainy Day Fun Games".  
  
"Cribbage, Cricket, hmm... 'Shoots and ladders'?" She looked over at the sulking Canon Characters. *I don't think so* "'Stairmaster Deluxe Grand Prix'? Definitely not. Oh! Oh. Well... maybe..."  
  
"My ethereal senses tell me that a suitable substitute has been found!" exclaimed Professor Trelawney, trying to rub her temples prophetically. With the heavy plaster casts on her arms, it appeared rather difficult and gawky, but that was a moot point.  
  
Meir Brin laughed. "All right then, a Staring Contest it is."  
  
"I refuse," said Professor Snape shortly without any intonation.  
  
"You say that because you fear defeat. I have foreseen your defeat in my future visions. Dark times, dark times are ahead for us. And dear Severus... He shall lose to the bewitching gaze that conceals itself within my eyes..."  
  
After that, it did not take long to get Severus Snape and Sybill Trelawney out onto the Quidditch Pitch and trying to bore holes into each other's head with their eyes. Meir Brin had to admire them. Trelawney was utterly immovable with her dazed, trance-like stare, and Snape seemed to be forcing his eyes to remain open with sheer will power.  
  
Meir Brin glanced at her watch. Five minutes, six minutes... twenty-four minutes, thirty-one minutes...  
  
"All right, one more minute and we call it a draw," she said, quite tired.  
  
Sybill's eyes had started to water. Severus kept squinting, then biting his lip in a manner that suggested how fed up he actually was.  
  
"Seven, six, five-"  
  
"HE BLINKED," roared Trelawney. "Look, did you see it? Did you?"  
  
Meir Brin nodded. "I'm afraid you did, Professor. Trelawney will be marked as having won this round.  
  
The Divination professor slumped back into her wheelchair happily, like some old coot on their porch rocking chair. "All has been fulfilled. In my dreams I saw this moment, and now it has come to fruition." She looked up at Snape, who was turning an amusing shade of Blello. "Do not worry, my dear. As I have said, I foresaw your defeat."  
  
Snape ground his teeth and turned abruptly to return to the castle. Unfortunately, Lyssie St. Cloud and Belphegor were cursed with ill luck when they passed in front of the angry professor. They were scrubbing the carburetor fluid out of their robes for the next two days.  
  
Meir Brin walked off of the pitch that day, happy as well. But ill news was there to greet her as well, in the form of Klose.  
  
"Meir Brin, we have a very, very big inconvenience. I just found James Potter. Tied up. In the Owlery. He has been heavily sedated, and I think that he is wearing lipstick." 


	34. The HFA Slash Manifesto

Meir Brin looked at the "Do It Yourself: Exorcism" book, and tried to follow the complex hand movements dictated by the author. It was not working.  
  
Klose glanced at the pictures and tried to copy the same intricate gesture. "Is this the only way to get a Slash Spirit out of someone? Isn't there a Kuswort-type plant for this sort of thing?"  
  
Meir Brin shook her head and tried the movement again. "The power of Rowling compels thee!"  
  
James Potter shook his head blearily as Lily Potter and the rest of the Marauders looked on apprehensively. "I'm telling you..." coughed James. "I love... Sirius..."  
  
Remus patted Lily on the back awkwardly. "We'll sort this out, it won't take long."  
  
Klose paced the width of the Owlery, her hand twitching. "Cannot we simply call the PPC? They know how to deal with this properly."  
  
"If we could, I would," answered Meir Brin. "Rhiannon stole the Pensive in order to try and get pictures of Remus for her scrapbook" -Remus blushed and scuffed his foot on the ground- "and without that our communication is limited to Plothole jumping and Foo Powder. Plothole jumping is too sporadic, but Foo Powder... might work."  
  
Lily straightened her back, tears visible at the corner of her eyes. "I will go. I don't care that it dropped Professor Flitwick in Africa yesterday. I'll try anything, to get this, this... *thing* out of my husband!"  
  
Klose stepped forward. "I will go as well. Come, I think the grate in Aerobics Lair will be big enough."  
  
The two women left the Owlery, and Meir Brin sat down on one of the window ledges. "I just do not understand it. It's as if the whole continuum is breaking up. First the Mini-Aragogs disappear, now there are Slash Spirits roaming around unchecked. I knew that HFA was very tightly knit with the Fanfiction Realities, but this is just... ridiculous..."  
  
Sirius Black looked up from filing his fingernails on the wall. "You don't think it was a student, then?"  
  
"No, I don't. They don't have the power, or the skill to do something like this. The fanfiction stories must be pressing down on the Harry Potter Continuum. Someone wrote a Bad!Slash story, and the Spirit of that story must have traveled here. The lines between the dimensions are thinning..."  
  
"Like Peter's hair," commented Sirius Black.  
  
"Yes, just like Peter's hair."  
  
*********  
  
"Now, have we all finished our papers on 'Harry concerning Ginny: Protector or Big Brother Figure'? Good. Pass them forward," said Molly Weasley, standing in front of the desk and holding her knitting needles menacingly.  
  
Ally dug the paper out of her book bag and passed it to Alex, who was sitting at the desk in front of hers. Rumors had been circulating at HFA that today would be the long awaited "Harry Potter and Slash" lecture, which had put all of the Slasherings in such a buzz that Meir Brin had had to remove all of their caffeine privileges.  
  
The group of lecturers at the front of the theater was a lot smaller than before. The elder Potters were missing, and Arthur Weasley was also absent, apparently from prolonged experimentation on the subject of "What will happen if we put plugs in a vat of lobsters?". Instead, Amos Diggory and Barty Crouch Senior, both of whom were a little apprehensive of the formidable Mrs. Weasley, had joined the staff of 'Fundamentals of Fluff'.  
  
"Today we begin a new... area... of romance writing. I am sure that you all know what I am talking about..." started Mrs. Weasley, cracking her knuckles in a way that suggested that she was about to start snapping necks the way that she shelled peas: with brisk, precise movements.  
  
Lucius strode to the front of the classroom, where Sallah and GwendolynMorgan were being the models of attentive students. "Today 'Fundamentals of Fluff' will begin its study of slash."  
  
The quill that Mr. Crouch had been holding snapped in two. The room was silent.  
  
"As was said in previous classes, slash is not something that can be stopped in out fandom. The Canon is incomplete" -somewhere a dog barked, a foghorn sounded, and a minor chord was played on a musical saw- "and as our story takes place in a setting similar to your Real Life, we cannot say for certain that some people in this fandom are *not* homosexual," continued Mr. Malfoy. His voice was barely a whisper, yet Ally could pick out the level-o-menace rising in his voice.  
  
C-Chan and Mercuria Stardust smiled in a devilish sort of way, and Ally could almost see the slashy plotbunnies latching onto their legs.  
  
"However," said Molly Weasley stridently, "Just because we cannot prevent your sick little minds to do whatever you want with our children's images, does not mean we cannot demand certain things from you as authors." Mrs. Weasley then picked up her frying pan and banged it on C-Chan's desk. "Everyone up! We're going outside for a practical lesson!"  
  
Ally got to her feet slowly, almost dreading to wonder what was in store for the fanwriters. Well, the Mini-Aragogs were gone, so at least it wouldn't involve "fanwriter yo-yo". But was that a good thing, or a bad thing?  
  
The class was herded down to the edge of the lake, which despite the calendar showing May felt like early March. Ally pulled her light blue cloak more tightly around her shoulders, and huddled with the rest of her class as Amos Diggory brought out some rather interesting implements.  
  
A small platform had been erected over a portion of the lake, hovering about five feet above the water. As the four Canon Characters approached it, a small set of stairs unfolded and allowed them to climb up. "Now, today we play a little game, entitled 'Who Wants to be Licensed to Write Slash?'" said Molly Weasley, brandishing her wand. "Move into your House groups and we will give you a true or false statement. If you answer a question incorrectly, the Giant Squid will be taking you on a lovely tour at the bottom of the lake."  
  
Out of the depths of the water, a huge tentacle arose. Like a giant serpent it slithered out around the mass of fanwriters, enclosing them in a sort of paddock.  
  
"Statement one," said Mr. Crouch, picking up a card from a stack of about fifty. "Draco and Harry would make a great couple because in the Canon, they secretly want to be best friends. Answer, Catrin Pritchard, Stephanie Brown, Onyx, and Chibigreen."  
  
Ally watched as the four fanwriters in question produced a variety of "yes/no" answers. Chibigreen stalled for about a minute, until Lucius Malfoy gave the "thumbs down" sign and the Giant Squid snaked a tentacle around her foot and dragged her into the freezing water.  
  
"The answer is false. Canonically, Draco and Harry hate each other," said Mr. Crouch. "Pair them up and I hope you've found a way around this little fact."  
  
"Statement two," said Mrs. Weasley. "There is no such thing as a platonic hug. Answer, Riona, Molly W, Mirild Sket, and Rex Natos."  
  
Riona and Molly W shouted "False!" right away, but Mirild Sket appeared as if she had just had a long night of staring into the Basilisk's eyes and was pulled into the lake as well. Rex Natos looked up from trying to set the hem of Alex' robe on fire with the "Incendio" charm, and asked what "platonic" meant. He too was pulled into the lake.  
  
"The answer is false; of course hugs can be platonic. You don't have romantic interest in your parents, I hope," said Mrs. Weasley, putting her hands on her hips and causing some of the fanwriters a bit of chagrin.  
  
Suddenly, Redfire elbowed her friend and pointed at Lucius Malfoy, giggling. Looking up, Ally saw that the Giant Squid was giving the elder Malfoy a rather unique pair of bunny ears.  
  
"Statement three," started Amos Diggory. "If an author makes a character change orientation, then he or she has the right to rewrite that character's entire personality. Answer, Dimond, Shroom, Penelope Ross, and Vee.  
  
Vee and The Shroom started a long description about how making a character gay was an integral part of the character's entire outlook on life and needed to be reworked into the character's personality. Dimond started arguing about how you couldn't change a person's background and belief system entirely just by making them fall in love with a person of the same gender. Penelope Ross said "false" and went back to polishing her toaster.  
  
"What do you think?" asked Mr. Diggory. "Should we give it to them? They all have valid points."  
  
Lucius Malfoy nodded. "Yes, I think they have hit the tip of the subject. No matter, though. I enjoy seeing them suffer. After what they have all done to Draco, they deserve it. Into the lake."  
  
The Giant Squid raised a large brown tentacle and swept the four fanwriters into the water. A couple jolts of electricity escaped from Penelope Ross' toaster, but was only just enough to tickle the monstrous calamari.  
  
"Statement four," said Mr. Malfoy, picking up a card. "PWP, or 'Plot? What plot?' can serve for an entertaining bit of slashy smut. I want Nasha Potter, Ashura Rowena Dumbledore, Kellie Owens, and Knightsky to answer."  
  
Nasha Potter yelled "No!" before anything else could happen. Feeling the aura of malice exuding from the platform, the other fanwriters quickly seconded the notion.  
  
"Into the lake, all of them," said Lucius. "The key word there was *entertaining*. And there is no limit on what can be... entertaining. I have just read a story about my son and Potter's 'Most Excellent Spring Break Adventure' in Cancun. I found it most... entertaining. It was so... entertaining, that I was overcome with a great deal of hatred for fanwriter- kind. Into the lake!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"I thought-"  
  
Ally shivered as the four girls were pulled into the water. It wasn't fair to be playing games like this with the Canon Characters. They always played dirty, and never overlooked an opportunity to give pain, panic, or punishment to (semi-) innocent fanwriters. 


	35. A Most Unusual Uncanon Visitor

Ally stumbled off of the Quidditch pitch, feeling as if she had been pressed between a stone slab and the Dursely Jelly-monster. In actuality, the event that she had just come from had involved the Dursely Jelly- monster. For Ally had just finished with the substitute MAPLE game known as "Anything You Might Do I Can Make Bigger" between Draco Malfoy... and Lord Voldemort.  
  
The Canonlaw fanwriter tried to pull the berry-flavored jam out of her hair. Malfoy and Voldemort had each chosen their creature; Malfoy had taken the Dursely Jelly-monster (claiming that anything mistakenly named after a Harry-hating creature would be the thing for him) and Lord Voldemort had taken the Weasely Jelly-monster (claiming that apricot jam was his favorite flavor besides marmalade). And thus the contest had began.  
  
Ally winced as she felt the bruises on the back of her neck. In response to a horrible piece of fanfiction asserting that Ron Weasley's family was rich, Meir Brin had given the Canonlaw students "buffer duty" lining the Quidditch field during the match. And Voldemort and Draco had made the Jelly-monsters bigger. And bigger. And bigger.  
  
And then finally they had reached critical mass. The Canonlaws could not contain the vast spreads known as Jelly-monsters. So with fifty-foot high blobs of jam on the verge of overwhelming the stadium, Madam Hooch had given victory to Lord Voldemort, as no one in their right mind would argue with a Dark Lord so secure in his evilness to admit that he "really sympathized with the character of Uncle Wiggly in that delightful board game".  
  
Ally was just dragging herself up the stairs when something strange happened. A silver cloud appeared.  
  
"Oh no, not this again..." she said, backing away into Mystikalolo, who was frantically trying to disentangle herself from Onyx (they had both fallen into a rogue patch of blackberry jam that appeared to have the consistency of super-glue, and were now literally inseparable).  
  
The eerie silver cloud drifted closer. Ally tripped backwards down the steps, muttering a stream of curses that could be censored into "Spit! Sucky plotholes take me to ducky island with evil Cod-drained gritty monsters!". Ally had never been known for having a foul mouth, but certain exceptions must be made, such as when our heroine believes that she is going to be dragged off to the Isle of Drear.  
  
Then the cloud stopped. It was growing larger (in direct proportion to the diameter of Ally's pupils) and more solid. Suddenly, a figure became visible in the plothole. A very short, wrinkled figure with big ears. It stepped out.  
  
Ally pinched herself. This was *so* not happening.  
  
"Yoda, my name is. Help me, will you? What is this place?"  
  
Ally scrambled awkwardly to her feet. A group of Wantingmors were congregating around the Star Wars character, whispering excitedly. "Erm... this is HFA, for Harry Potter... How did you get here?"  
  
The small green Jedi walked down the stairs with minor difficulty. "Know that, I do not. Most perplexing, it is."  
  
Ally bit her lip in frustration. Knowing the consistent mood of "burn the fanwriter" permeating HFA these days, she would be blamed for this.  
  
"What's going on over here?" asked a voice, and Ron Weasley elbowed his way through the crowd, avoiding the Ron-lusters with practiced ease. He hadn't been "caught" this year, and was considered by many to be the most deft at avoiding his lusters. This could be attributed to several reasons, the foremost being that he had magicked his hair into a shade of dark brown, in order to be less conspicuous. The day that the youngest Weasley brother had shown up with non-red hair had been a sad one for the Ron-lusting community of HFA. ("How do we know if it will ever turn back?" Smego Baggins had wailed).  
  
"In charge, are you? Yes?" asked Yoda, looking up at the tall boy.  
  
Ron's ears turned pink, and he muttered something under his breath. Pulling out his wand, the Gryffindor shot a volley of red sparks into the air. Ally took a step back. She did *not* like the look of this one bit.  
  
In less than a nanosecond (a very short time indeed, considering that one cannot Apparate at Hogwarts) Klose and Sirius Black were on the scene, moving traffic along as if there had been a murder of some sort ("Nothing to see here, people!").  
  
Then Ally was pushed into the castle with the rest of the fanwriters, still striving to see or hear what was going on. But just as she was beginning to fight the crowd, the heavy doors slammed shut, and Ally saw no more.  
  
*********  
  
Completely unaware of the anomaly that was taking place near the front doors, Meir Brin supervised the loading of five tons of beverages into the Chamber of Secrets Bunker. Actually, it was Albus Dumbledore who was directing the barrels down the wide pipe with his wand; Meir Brin was simply watching to make sure that no one was flattened by the heavy vessels.  
  
"That will be the last one," said Professor Dumbledore as the casks disappeared down into the Chamber. "There is ten minutes until the next group of provisions arrives." The aged wizard sat down on the waiting chairs that had been placed around the girls' lavatory. "How goes the treatment of James Potter?"  
  
Meir Brin sighed and scratched her head as Harry Potter ran past, chasing Peter Pettigrew (in rat form) with a rather large non-flying broom. "The PPC agents say that he is coming along, but will still have to stay in the Department of Fictional Psychology for the next couple weeks. Apparently, James is quite worried about what Lily will say. He has no recollection of his time... under the influence."  
  
"Under the influence of what?" asked the Hogwarts Headmaster reasonably, ignoring the sounds of drunken merry making coming from the Chamber of Secrets. It sounded as if the Death Eaters had found the wine barrels.  
  
"A malevolent Slash Spirit," said Meir Brin, stamping on the floor to quiet Voldemort's Minions of Evil. "The Slashers managed to extract one from his system using pliers, an bottle of dish washing detergent, and some of those little umbrellas that you put in drinks."  
  
"How did they manage that?"  
  
"Don't know."  
  
"Excuse me," said a level voice, and the two turned to see Cedric Diggory waiting politely by the door. "There is a problem in the Entrance Hall. Klose and Sirius need some assistance."  
  
Albus Dumbledore got to his feet slowly. "What is the trouble?"  
  
"Something called a Yo-Dah has shown up. Klose mentioned the stars, and something about a great war. Is this the apocalypse?" asked Diggory, concern flashing across his handsome face.  
  
Meir Brin raised an eyebrow. "It very well may be. Come, let us find out."  
  
The three denizens of HFA hurried out of the girls' bathroom, past Argus Filch's memorial to the Mini-Aragogs ("Lost! Preciouses are lost!"), and down to the Entrance Hall to where Sirius Black was trying to prevent Yoda from wandering unchecked about the castle.  
  
"I've never seen anything like it," said Ron Weasley. "At first I thought it was a Grindylow, or maybe one of the Misspelled Marauders. But it's not, and it does magic."  
  
"Yoda..." muttered Meir Brin. "Why in the name of pickled popsicle sticks is this happening to *us*?" With a sigh she walked over to Yoda, trying to figure out if he was Canon!Yoda or a Fanfiction!Yoda who was simply lost on the Internet.  
  
"Work here, do you?" asked the Jedi Master.  
  
"Yes, you could say that. Look, what world are you from?"  
  
"From Detroit, am I," replied Yoda.  
  
"Okay..." said Meir Brin. "Then you must be a Fanfiction!Yoda, who is obviously lost, confused, and looking for a way home to his Parent Continuum."  
  
"Have any mustard, do you?"  
  
Meir Brin felt a migraine coming on. "Why in the name of *fanfiction* do they find us so appealing?! I wouldn't mind a few visitors from time to time, but this is getting ridiculous! Why isn't the Canon keeping stuff like this out of our fanverse?"  
  
Diggory shrugged. "Perhaps we are too popular with the other fandoms."  
  
Klose laughed shortly, walking over to the group. "You've hit the Sue on the head with the Bat of Whackiness on that one, Cedric." 


	36. To Duel the Peeves

With Yoda safely on his way back to the Star Wars Continuum via Foo Powder and the Canon Characters in charge of stocking the Canon Shift Bunker, Meir Brin had fallen back into her old routine of sitting in on classes. Today she was visiting Spellcheck class, and seemed to be in an uncharacteristic good mood. "Seemed" is the key word here.  
  
"Come in, everyone," said Hermione Granger, watching the students file into the computer room. "Today we are going to deal with a touchy subject for many of you- when the Spellcheck fails to catch mistakes."  
  
Many of the Wantingmors groaned, having experienced this trauma. To some of the Lusterbuffs, however, the announcement that the beloved Spellcheck was not infallible... There was weeping in the aisles from that declaration, to say the least.  
  
Hermione and Percy Weasley then struggled to lift up a very large chart that listed a bunch of words, some in plain black ink, others written in Blello.  
  
"Now, all of you fanwriters will note, all of the words on this chart are spelled correctly. However, they are often mistaken for each other. Observe this dialogue," said Percy strictly. With a wave of his wand, the former Head Boy had cast an illusion around the classroom. The students were now in a park, and for some unexplained reason Hermione was dressed as Jacqueline Kennedy with Percy as Cary Grant.  
  
"My dear, you look positively splashing today," said Percy. Hermione was now sopping wet.  
  
"Why thank you, Percy deer," said Hermione. For a brief second the third eldest Weasley appeared with antlers and hoofed feet.  
  
"It certainly is a lovely day," said Percy. "Would you care for a stool in the park?" He appeared to be offering Hermione as choice from a selection of three-legged seats instead of a "stroll", which Meir Brin assumed was the intended word.  
  
"Just a minuet," said Hermione. The room froze, and from some bowel of the Earth a fast-paced classical dance tune sprung up. It played for approximately four and a half minutes before stopping. Hermione turned to the class. "Do you understand what we mean now? Though all of the words that we used in this dialogue were spelled correctly, they still meant the wrong thing. Now, before we move on, err... Percy?"  
  
Percy jumped slightly and canceled the illusion. Everyone was back in the "This is a Spellcheck... Use it" classroom, and Hermione and Percy no longer resembled actors from a seventies' public service video.  
  
Meir Brin smiled as Hermione began the lecture about the importance of editors and how it was very critical that they put refined pieces of work on the Internet. The "minuet" in place of "minute" had always been a pet peeve of hers, and it was always nice to get things set straight. She pulled a piece of cloth out of her vest pocket and began to polish her glasses when the ground shook suddenly.  
  
"Cripes," she muttered, grabbing hold of the wall paneling behind her.  
  
"Now don't panic!" said Hermione, biting her lip. The fanwriters got down under their desks and pulled their hands over their heads as if it was an atomic fallout drill. "It's just a Canonquake, it will be over soon!"  
  
Percy brandished his wand and flung the door open, bracing himself in the doorframe as he checked for people in the hallways. The sounds of shattered glass echoed through Hogwarts, and Percy started to perform Stabilizing spells on the walls.  
  
Meir Brin managed to stumble over to the window, and looked out over the grounds. No, it couldn't be!  
  
Forty-foot long gashes were appearing out of thin air. It looked as if the fabric of reality had a run in it, and was struggling to keep from exposing a hairy leg of the outer worlds. Within the gaps Meir Brin could see shadowy shapes moving, and glassy eyes seemed to blink collectively at the sunlight of HFA. The Canonquake rumbled ominously, and the gashes became wider. A shadow fell over the lake, and something started to spill out onto the field.  
  
And then the rumbling stopped. As if a Great Celestial Being had used a Great Celestial Zipper the gash closed itself almost immediately. Whatever had fallen onto the grounds vanished.  
  
Meir Brin slumped against the windowsill, hands clammy and face white. That was proof of it, then. The Canon *was* breaking.  
  
*********  
  
After the morning's Canonquake, Ally White would have been content to spend the rest of the day in the Canonlaw dormitories avoiding the pieces of plaster that fell from the ceiling. Unfortunately HFA did not work like that, and she was required to attend "British for Dummies" that afternoon.  
  
Ally managed to skip up the steps, jumping the fake one and passing through a tapestry without too much harm to her person. In fact, it looked as if Ally would be arriving to her classroom without hurting herself when she ran into something solid. It was floating.  
  
"Peeves!" said Ally, startled. She folded her arms over her chest in a rather paranoid manner.  
  
The grinning specter turned a cartwheel in midair and gave her the finger. Behind him, the Fellowship of the Peeves (including Rex Natos, C-Chan, and Eibbor Nakrus) grinned devilishly. C-Chan produced a Sing-Along Trout from inside her bag, and Rex Natos started priming a hot glue gun.  
  
"Hello, ickle fanwriter! Did Canon shift and make you scared?" he asked, using a mix of sarcasm and baby talk.  
  
Ally began to edge her way down the steps, not taking her eyes off of the poltergeist. Her fingers clamped around the five-spelling wand in her pocket, and she thought briefly of the Disarming spell. It might work, or at least give her enough time to run for it...  
  
"Peeves, I have to get to class," she stated firmly.  
  
The Sing-Along Trout started to warble "I'll Be Home for Christmas". This did not sound like a good thing, especially when every fifth word was substituted for something like "maim", "defile", or "chainsaw".  
  
The bell chimed suddenly, and Rex Natos sighed. "We'll have to continue this later, you know."  
  
Eibbor Nakrus shouldered his bag and picked up his odd-looking wand. "Just when things were getting interesting."  
  
C-Chan bit her lip and bonked the two of them on the head with her Sing- Along Trout. "No more 'goon' clichés." Then she smiled weirdly and mimicked the Terminator's "I'll be back".  
  
Ally moved to escape with the others, but Peeves grinned and intercepted her. "Good-bye, my minions! I feel like it is time for some hunting! But then again a chase would be nice as well..." he feigned contemplation. "I know! If I take these, like so..."  
  
Ally found that her canines had now vanished completely from her mouth. Frustration welled up inside of her, and she threw her book bag aside. "I've had enough!" she cried. Speaking with missing teeth is rather like having overly large braces: uncomfortable and seemingly without purpose.  
  
Peeves ignored her, and the teeth reappeared in his hand. He threw them up and down like dice, having pulled them from Ally's mouth. Glancing down at the angry fanwriter he snapped his fingers. A flotilla of red water balloons zoomed in out of nowhere, making a beeline for Ally.  
  
"I've had enough!" said Ally again, brandishing her wand. She pointed at the foremost water balloon and cried "incendio!" The rubber caught fire, heating the water until it formed steam, and then the balloon popped.  
  
Peeves flipped upside down and blew her a wet raspberry. "More! More!" he cried, cackling wickedly. "Can't hit me!"  
  
This time Ally pointed at Peeves. "Expelliarmus!" He was thrown backwards, and slammed into the wall.  
  
"I didn't know that I could do *that*..." she said, awestruck. Grinning gleefully, she performed the spell again. It felt good, after all of Peeves' tricks on her. "Expelliarmus!" she cried.  
  
Peeves now looked distinctly annoyed. The remaining water balloons dropped down upon Ally, soaking her down to her socks. Ally screamed "Expelliarmus" once again, hoping to finish him off. Bloody fury coursed through her, not letting her see what a foolish thing she was doing. But then again, she had gotten off with attacking Pettigrew; maybe it would be okay with Peeves as well.  
  
"Miss White? What are you doing?" asked a calm voice.  
  
Ally stopped as if she had suddenly been coated in cement. She turned to face Harry Potter and Sirius Black, both carrying an unconscious Mary Sue under their arms. "What is this?" asked Sirius, indicating Peeves and the empty husks of water balloons littering the corridor.  
  
"She attacked me, sir," said Peeves, wringing his hands. "I was only doing my job, enlightening students about life at Hogwarts, and she attacked me..." The tone suggested that someone had fallen down the stairs and was now on the verge of death.  
  
Ally felt Harry's and Sirius' eyes rest on her boar tusks. Harry turned back to Peeves. "I doubt that, Peeves. Go away, we need a word with Miss White," said the boy.  
  
Ally tried to stop blushing. She really did. But trying to contain a flood of embarrassment inside oneself is harder than it sounds, and Ally was struggling with that predicament just then. "I..."  
  
"Put that away," said Sirius, looking at her wand. He waved his own, and her teeth zoomed out of Peeves' hands (Peeves himself didn't look to pleased about this, what with the struggling to keep his prize and all) and reattached themselves back into her mouth. "Come with us."  
  
Ally looked down miserably and followed the two Canon Characters as they descended into the Great Hall. A little speck of hope dotted her horizon, though. Her situation seemed strikingly similar to when Harry had been signed onto the Gryffindor team as Seeker. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all...  
  
Yet, as all who know the Laws of Irony and the whims of the Ironic Over- power, because Ally had been foolish enough to hope for a positive outcome when she was obviously going to be punished, her hopes were entirely in vain. She was in for some punishment, most definitely. 


	37. Intentional Disease and an Angry Malfoy

Ally's hands were numb. Very numb. She stared down at the vat of laundry, wondering if there really was such thing as "House Elf Appreciation Day". In any case, her Detainment in the Hospital Wing didn't seem to be going as badly as it had last time. There were no disgusting potion ingredients, or overbearing Potionsmasters. Scrubbing the white linen bed sheets against the old-fashioned washboard, Ally allowed herself to entertain as small glimmer of hope. June had already begun, and soon it would be time for the fanwriters to leave HFA.  
  
Ally smiled. She would be leaving; leaving the torments, the "kill the fanwriter" attitudes, and the aversion to any sentence that began with "I know we're not allowed to..." Yes, thought Ally happily. Soon she would be leaving the whole lot of it.  
  
It was kind of sad, really.  
  
Before Ally could ponder this any longer, the sound of running feet filled the infirmary. *Stampede?* thought Ally confusedly, turning from her alcove to look at the doorway. She had thought that the stampedes were over, and that most of the fanwriters had gotten used to the "look, don't even THINK about touching" rule.  
  
And then they came into the Hospital Wing. At least twenty of them, all with long dresses and long hair, and long, sad, angsty faces. Ally smelled the mingling of expensive perfume, with names like "Eau du cheval" and "Le grosse canard". Ally really needed to work on her French.  
  
Over the sound of the stamping of expensive footwear came the voice of the only Canon Character stubborn enough to resist the lure of these fatal fanfiction females: Argus Filch. "Get up, there! Go, get in, I want your hands where I can see them, you miserable blighters! I'll cut out your livers and make gravy out of you if you take one wrong step!"  
  
Ally dried off her hands, wondering what was going on. It looked as if Filch had corralled himself and herd of Mary Sues. But this many? That was just... unusual, even for HFA and the present circumstance of Canon shifting.  
  
"Now, I am going to take role, and I want you to all sit down on the floor... Miss, I am not Draco, so you can just bugger off... You, get away from the windows!"  
  
A Vambiolato giggled and smiled at Filch in a way that would have been very suggestive had, well, had he not been Filch. "Where's my dear Sirius? I want my escaped convict lover!"  
  
Filch rolled his eyes. "On the moon, now stay there..."  
  
The girl's beautiful eyes widened. "The moon? Ooooo..." she said, looking at the ceiling.  
  
Ally tentatively walked over to Filch, glancing at the clipboard that he was carrying. "Beg pardon, sir. What are these doing here? Who are they?"  
  
Filch was too preoccupied to swear at her properly. "About a quarter of the Lusterbuff House. Stupid giggly morons... Gave themselves Vambiolaria, and now we don't have any Kuswort to fix them up. Most troubling, most troubling..."  
  
*********  
  
"I really don't care if you just tie them up and leave them there under quarantine. We can't have Suvian students running about all over the place. Just find out where they got the disease from and plug up the hole," said Meir Brin, slumping in her chair.  
  
Sirius Black glanced at Filch, then at Klose. "We'll do it, but I don't know if it will work. What does one plug a hole in reality with?"  
  
Meir Brin blinked, then snapped back to the present. "... Yes, do that. What? Oh, I don't know. Glue, maybe? Or one of the Jelly-monsters. And put the rest of the Lusterbuff House down for buffer-duty. There's a substitute MAPLE game day after next, that should give them ample time to think about what happened."  
  
The three 'Sue patrollers walked out of Meir Brin's office, followed by Mrs. Norris. After the disappearance of the Mini-Aragogs, Filch had become the third member of the 'Sue-dispatching crew, and had five to his credit already. Meir Brin sighed and drank some more of her tea, trying to get through the mound of paperwork covering her desk.  
  
About a week ago she had filed a request with the PPC to bring a team of agents in for full-time protection of the Harry Potter Canon. And they had sent her back a mound of paperwork, including forms, Breathalyzer tests, and propaganda leaflets ("What can *you* do for your Parent Continuum?"). It actually wouldn't have been too bad if it hadn't been written in Pig Latin.  
  
"PC-Pay oesn't-day ake-tay esponsibility-ray or-fay..." Meir Brin read out loud. *You really needed one of those decoder rings for this,* she thought.  
  
Then the door was blown to pieces, and in walked the angriest Lucius Malfoy that Meir Brin had ever seen, even worse than the time Doom Song had left a monument to Peter Pettigrew outside of the Aerobics Lair corridor and Mr. Malfoy had tripped over it, falling into the Weasely Jelly-monster. And even angrier than the time when Colin Creevy had developed the pictures of him doing it.  
  
"I will maim them!" he shrieked, his normally sleek hair falling all over his face. "I will tear them into little, tiny pieces and feet them to Norbert! I will personally inscribe my initials into their feeble foreheads and make them think twice about disgracing the Malfoy name such! I will-"  
  
"-Not trip over that, please... Too late," said Meir Brin, wincing as he fell over Hermione8meg's confiscated broomstick.  
  
The elder Malfoy began to pick himself up, still shaking with rage. "They have gone *too* far this time, too far than even the most devious Vambiolato ever dared to go. They have written incest stories about my son and I!"  
  
Meir Brin nodded, pointing at the empty wall in the back corner. It was a very hard wall, with what looked like small craters in it, as if many things had been banged into it. "Knock yourself out," she said.  
  
Lucius Malfoy went over and slammed his head into the wall, explaining the existence of the crash marks. "They have *dared* to write such unrecognizable stuff! I fail to see any resemblance with my own son, or with myself, and this is therefore a defamation of my family's name," he said, pounding away. After a few minutes of extreme frustration, he stopped and turned around. "Can we not do something about this?"  
  
Meir Brin shook her head. "No, it's not possible. They're the authors, and when there's no Canon to disprove it, we can't give them a tablet of stone showing why it's impossible. You know the doctrine on slash and the like, why are you asking me?"  
  
Lucius Malfoy grumbled quietly to himself. "I fail to see what this preoccupation of theirs with it is, though," he said. "What compels them to write about such perverse topics?"  
  
"A mystery of the universe? We'll never know. Have you considered talking with Narcissa about this?" asked Meir Brin.  
  
He waved this aside. "She spends too much time with that Petunia Dursley creature. For a Muggle, the two of them seem to share a lot of ideals."  
  
Meir Brin shrugged and dipped her quill back into the inkwell. If there was one thing she still had trouble with it was the concept of refilling a quill. It reminded her of trying to drink ice cream with a straw: difficult and ultimately unproductive. After five minutes of trying to write her name on the line, she realized that Mr. Malfoy was still watching her. "Look, I can't do anything about it directly. Do you want to round up a group of students and run them through the Forbidden Forest? That helps clear the mind sometime."  
  
Lucius Malfoy tapped his psychological cane against the floor, pondering this. "It *was* amusing last time we did it. And seeing Dana Dancer and Melony fall into Aragog's web *did* relieve a good bit of stress..." He stood up briskly, and walked out of the office, mumbling to himself.  
  
"Enjoy," said Meir Brin absentmindedly, looking back at her quill. *I must look into getting magical powers before the start of next term,* she thought. "'Umber-nay oo-fay ents-agay eeded-nay?' I don't think this is even proper Pig Latin..." she muttered, flipping through the stack of papers.  
  
Someone knocked on the wall next to her door, and Meir Brin leaned back to see Professor Binns and Madame Maxime standing in the broken threshold.  
  
"Come in, what can I do for you?" asked the course coordinator.  
  
"We have come to see about the possibility of installing a bowling alley in the Canon bunker," said Binns nasally. "Professor Dumbledore has agreed to make room by cutting off part of the sauna that we had planned next to the statue."  
  
Meir Brin shook her head. "Whatever you want, as long as there is still room to put the bracing against the walls." The two turned to go, but Meir Brin called after them, on a second thought. "Why didn't you just owl me up about that?" she asked.  
  
"Ze students, zey 'ave put up a net next to ze entrance to zis wing. Even after Monsieur Crouch sent zem to work plastering ze 'alls with ze Slash Repellent," explained Madame Maxime. "And whenever we get close enough, zey run away! I wonder why zat would be..." she said, a glint of mischief in her dark eyes.  
  
"Why are they intercepting the mail?" asked Meir Brin, reaching for her Switch.  
  
"Zey want to collect ze signatures of zeir lust-objects," she said. "As if zere was not already enough to worry about..."  
  
Meir Brin was halfway down the halls when she spotted the small encampment of fanwriters, among them Europa and Belphegor. "All right, what do you think you are doing?" she called, startling a couple girls.  
  
Then there was the sound of pounding feet, and a cloud of smoke came into view at the end of the corridor. Belphegor clambered to her feet, followed by Kellie Owens. They ran to the left. Then a herd of fanwriters followed them, comprised of Wantingmors, Lusterbuffs, Canonlaws, and Slasherings alike, all wearing identical expressions of panic.  
  
And then, bearing quickly down from the right came the enormous forequarters of a dragon, Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback, as a matter of fact. Riding on top of the Canon dragon (who had acquired a degree of intelligence from his time at HFA, and now spent the evenings having long chats with Hagrid about dragons and other dangerous creatures) was Lucius Malfoy, grinning like the Evil Emperor of Hyenas.  
  
"Go on, there, fanwriters! We'll see how *you* like the nasty Malfoys after a romp around the Whomping Willow!" 


	38. Even More Quidditch and a Punctuation Do...

Meir Brin walked out of the Quidditch pitch, feeling slightly cheated. Now more than ever she missed the Mini-Aragogs. What was the point of watching two people look into a crystal ball and play "Spot that Death Omen" in place of a good MAPLE game? Even if there had been Lusterbuff buffers (the point being that whenever a person thought of a death omen it would be launched around the field. The Grim had been amusing; the shortened lifeline had just been weird) it was still a sad come down from the usual Mini-Aragogs and their paintball guns. Though the outcome had been interesting, as Harry had spectacularly bested Professor Trelawney at her own game.  
  
"She's said that I have every one there is, so I know them all," explained Harry as his family congratulated him.  
  
"Meir!" called someone suddenly, and the HFA coordinator spun around, seeing Fred and George Weasley running up. They were both sporting their trademark grins that meant that someone was either (a) about to sprout horns or multicolored blotches in the near vicinity or (b) trying to catch them as a result of having sprouted horns or multicolored blotches in the near vicinity.  
  
"What is it?" asked Meir Brin, looking around to see if someone was retching Every Flavor Beans and growing rabbit ears. "Who's getting traumatized today?"  
  
Fred appeared injured. "We don't prank all of the time, you know."  
  
"Only whenever someone truly deserves it."  
  
"Which is-"  
  
"Most of the time," finished George, stopping to even *try* to conceal the aura of fiendish delight about his person.  
  
Meir Brin laughed, shaking her head. "I won't deny that," she said lightly. "What do you want?"  
  
"It's the last class of 'Quidditch is Not For Everyone' today, and Wood wanted to know if you would like to observe," said George, showing the Beater's bat that he was carrying by his side.  
  
Meir Brin raised an eyebrow. "There's a Punctuation Downpour scheduled for this afternoon," she said blankly.  
  
George Weasley grinned. "That being the point of course."  
  
Meir Brin smiled. "I'll just go in and get my granite umbrella and be right back, then," she said, quickening her pace back to the castle.  
  
*********  
  
Ally White eyed the sky overhead from the waiting area next to the broom shed. *Just keep thinking: one more class and it will all be over, just one more class...* she thought, shouldering the broomstick awkwardly. Their final exam for this class was an actual Quidditch game. While some of the girls had actually practiced and were excited about playing (most of them were Oliver-lusters and knew that he would be in the stands), Ally was plain nervous.  
  
Madam Hooch walked over to the fourteen girls who would be playing the first match; Ally was one of them. Over the next four days a total of fifty matches were being played. Ally was fortunate enough to have signed up early, and would be getting it over with early as well.  
  
"Well, fanwriters. I have a list of who will be playing what position. For the Blello team we have Skye as Keeper, Nasha Potter, KazraGirl and Grandmomma Longlegs as Chasers, Doom Song and Ally White as Beaters, and Hermione8meg as Seeker."  
  
Seven of the girls, hearing their fates, either moaned or grinned spectacularly. Hermione8meg appeared to be on the edge of nervous collapse, and was making small sounds of "Oliver... mine... Oliver...".  
  
"For the Wilver team," said Madam Hooch, ignoring the outbreak of emotion as the Blello team went to suit up and grab uniforms, "is Riona as Keeper, Lyssie St. Cloud, Terra, and Andtauriel Longwood-Baggins as Chasers, Antigra and Penelope Ross as Beaters, and Serenity Bloom as Seeker," finished the Quidditch coach.  
  
A few minutes later the two teams were walking out on the field carrying Cleansweep Sevens. Ally felt her stomach lurch like it was doing some sort of fast dance, perhaps the polka. Her fingers felt sweaty on the Beater's bat, and she glanced over at Doom Song, trying to avoid looking at their Blello uniforms, which hurt her eyes.  
  
Ally had to compliment whoever had drawn up the team list for their good mind to put Hermione8meg and Serenity Bloom on opposite teams. Both lusted after Oliver Wood, and were therefore eying each other like choice bits of chocolate.  
  
"Mount your brooms," said Madam Hooch, and Ally clambered onto the handle, thankful that the cushioning charm would help her not fall off. She rubbed her palms on the edge of her robe, trying to calm down her shaking nerves. "And... Begin!"  
  
KazraGirl had the Quaffle first, and moved slowly toward the Wilver goal posts. As Ally watched the fanwriters flying about the pitch, she realized that, though some had actually grown into flying, their game of Quidditch could only be called a mockery of the one in the film. She pulled her bat into a defensive position, and flew off to look for Bludgers.  
  
Slowly, KazraGirl tossed the Quaffle toward the hoops, but Riona darted over, wobbling back and forth on her broomstick. She managed to deflect the Quaffle by running into it, and it started to drop lazily back to the earth, as if it was sinking through a layer of molasses.  
  
Andtauriel Longwood-Baggins had it then, her small House-Elf body allowing her to maneuver through the air with minimal resistance. She started for the other side of the field, but at about mid-court she dropped it. Nasha Potter recovered, and started back to the Wilver goals, where Riona was waiting anxiously, looking as if she was about to throw up.  
  
And then something hard whizzed by Ally's shoulder. She gave off watching the game and dropped down after the Bludger, wondering what she would do if it turned on her. The Bludger, doing exactly that, started to zoom towards her face. Ally ducked, covering her face and holding the bat out in front of her.  
  
The Bludger impacted the bat, bonking Ally in the face with her own club. It darted off, the came at her again. This time, reeling slightly, Ally raised her bat and slammed it into the heavy ball. To her surprise, it flew halfway across the field, and left her alone.  
  
*I... did it?* she thought weakly, trying to stop the ringing in her ears and the pulse of adrenaline that was increasing her heart rate.  
  
The Wilver team had taken possession of the Quaffle, and was now ganging up on Skye in an attempt to score. Ally flew over to help, but in the fray and confusion ended up being more of a hindrance then help when she accidentally smashed her Beater's bat into Grandmomma Longlegs, who was on her own team.  
  
"MINE!!" screamed Serenity Bloom, the Wilver Seeker. She was flying upward fast, a small glittery gold something high above her head. Hermione8meg kicked after her, screaming "MINE!! MINE!! MINE!!" as well.  
  
"Oof!" went Serenity Bloom as Hermione8meg's broomstick slammed into her stomach. She started coughing wildly, and Hermione8meg stopped, holding her upright as she gasped for breath.  
  
"I'm really, really sorry," said the Blello Seeker. "Are you all right?"  
  
Serenity Bloom coughed a bit more, and the game's attention went elsewhere, the Snitch having escaped.  
  
Wilver had possession once again, and had formed an arrowhead in midair, with Antigra and Penelope Ross, the two Beaters, guarding the edges. Ally leaned over, looking for a Bludger to hit, when she nearly fell off of her broomstick. Climbing back on uneasily, she tried not to look down at the ground.  
  
The Wilver team's formation had worked, Skye was knocked aside and they scored, the first goal of the game. Ally looked back at Hermione8meg, hoping that she would catch the Snitch soon so that they could finish the game. The sky was getting dark, and it looked like rain was on its way.  
  
"Hey, Ally!" called Doom Song, the other Blello Beater. "Hit that one at Riona, I'll take that one," she said, pointing at the Bludgers, which were currently swirling around the lower areas of the pitch.  
  
Ally nodded, gulping. Slowly she started to descend, making for the Bludger closest to the Wilver goal post. "I'm really sorry, Riona," she whispered, smacking the Bludger in the Wilver Keeper's direction.  
  
Riona didn't see it coming until too late, when the Bludger caught her in the stomach and threw her back into the goal post. Grandmomma Longlegs took the opportunity to put the Quaffle through the hoop twice, but Penelope Ross and Terra had gone over to help their teammate. Terra glared back at Ally, who blushed and flew up higher as Riona started to come to.  
  
"MINE!!" rang the hunting call of the Snitch once again, and Serenity Bloom started to dive. She was within three meters of her target when it sped off again, leaving the shocked fanwriter to do a barrel roll on her broomstick in midair.  
  
And then the Punctuation Downpour began. Commas and Periods dropped out of the sky like small meteors, hitting the flying fanwriters like hailstones on a golf course. Ally started to shiver as the cold rain that always accompanied such showers soaked through her Blello uniform. A comma hit her in the back of the neck, and she plowed forward unintentionally.  
  
All over the pitch the fanwriters, who had been struggling before, were at a loss. The game was abandoned as the players swerved back and forth, trying to avoid the painful rocks. Ally waved her bat over her head like a small, narrow umbrella, trying to deflect the stones.  
  
A flash of lightning illuminated the towers of Hogwarts, and Ally saw that, despite the storm, Serenity Bloom had spotted the Snitch. Hermione8meg had seen it as well, and Ally watched in a dumb silence as the two girls sped at the glittering ball from opposite directions. A nasty-looking question mark thumped her on the head, but Ally's attention was on the Seekers. They were almost there... gaining...  
  
Hermione8meg and Serenity Bloom caught the Snitch simultaneously. They had their hands locked around it, pulling angrily. "MINE!! MINE!!" they cried. Then, with one heavy wrench, Hermione8meg had it.  
  
A whistle was blown, and Ally found that she was grinning. Despite being bruised, beaten, and probably bloody, her team had won the game! As her feet touched the ground, and the Blello team stared at each other in a sort of dumb, happy silence, Ally was overcome with joy.  
  
"Did we just... win?" asked KazraGirl oddly.  
  
Nasha Potter nodded, apparently having difficulty with the concept as well.  
  
The Wilver team walked off of the field, depressed but still smiling at the other group. "Good game," called Antigra.  
  
Ally nodded, wincing as a semi-colon struck her on the shoulder. Slowly a grin spread over her face. There were no words for such a feeling. Despite the rain and misplaced punctuation, Ally was the happiest that she had ever been at HFA. 


	39. Never Underestimate the Power of Knittin...

Ally's euphoria at finally being finished with "Quidditch is not for Everyone" lasted little over three hours until she was dragged off to "Magical Heredity" for one last lecture prior to their finals the following week. A group of fanwriters was taking the Quidditch test, and was therefore absent.  
  
"Welcome, students," said Remus Lupin, trying to smile and ending up looking like he was about to tell you bad news that amused him, like "I'm sorry, but your cat has died. It fell into the blender after trying to make a milkshake out of your goldfish".  
  
Ally grabbed her bag and dropped into her seat, near the edge of the crowd. Newmoon and GwendolynMorgan were sitting next to her, both having just come from their own Quidditch match and sporting matching pairs of black eyes. In the second game the Punctuation Downpour appeared to have heated up in intensity, probably caused by a rogue run-on sentence.  
  
"In our last lecture before the final," began Remus, but was cut off by a low moan of disappointment from his fan following. "We will discuss some relationships that you might consider having with the Canon Characters. I am referring, no Miss Vethil, not to romance, but to kinships. Such as Harry's long-lost sister-" he frowned, but went on "-Draco's twin, Sirius Black's love child-" Remus started to snicker under his breath "-or Professor Dumbledore's granddaughter."  
  
Hagrid walked up to the platform, holding his pink umbrella in one huge hand. "Now, we're goin' ter go over all of the kinships you've thought up, an' see if any of them are right." Hagrid pulled a large list from his pocket. "'Arry Potter, only child. I don't care how much yew think 'e's got a twin, it better be ironclad reasonin' if yew don't want trouble," said Hagrid.  
  
A few of the Lusterbuffs shivered uncontrollably, probably having done such a thing in their fanfiction-writing times pre-HFA.  
  
"An' Draco Malfoy, he seems ter be a fav'rite of yours, too. Well, as far as we know he don't got any brothers or sisters. But yew watch yourself, because in the coming week we might 'ave proof ter stick ter you," said Hagrid warningly.  
  
"Now, Sirius Black, what can I say about him? Yew all seem ter think 'e was some kind of nympho back in the days..." started Hagrid, but Ally had tuned him out.  
  
The sky was finally clearing, even after the rain had stopped. Ally had something on her mind, and whenever the thought came up she felt a flicker of warmth, just as she had before on the Quidditch pitch. And then the thought would leave her, and she would be left with a gentle feeling that smothered her like a mask of feathers. Ally could never remember what she had been thinking about, but just then the idea returned, finally allowing itself to be displayed for her total scrutiny.  
  
Ally was going to miss HFA. She had grown so used to it, so familiar with the place. Now the time was approaching that would mean an end to her life here. She would be back in the Muggle world, knowing that Harry Potter was just a book, and that she was just a young teenager who had had a crush on the main character.  
  
But at HFA it was more than a book. The magic was real, and the characters were alive. Well, they were also a bit grumpy and angry most of the time, but they were real enough. Ally fiddled with a blade of grass next to her ankle. Did she want to leave? Or did she want to stay?  
  
Here was the problem, the choice that it had come down to. And even though the choice would never be presented to her, in her mind she still wanted to be set in the matter. Ally did miss her family, even her nagging mother and stupid older sister. She missed her friends at school, and laughing about the silly, immature things that were hers by right as a teenager.  
  
Yet she would miss HFA as well. There was no balance between the two, one or the other. In the Muggle world she would be a child again, no matter how much she protested. At HFA she felt mature, or at least wizened by the endless chases, lectures, and misadventures.  
  
There was no balance between the two.  
  
*********  
  
It took only a second for the gash to appear; only a second for it to slit Reality from ground to the heavens. And it took less than a second for Meir Brin to slip into panic-mode.  
  
"Get something, something big, right now! I need all characters who can Stun a 'Sue or Slash Spirit out here with wands and cricket bats!" cried Meir Brin, dashing from the Entrance Hall to the grassy field where the Canon-rupture had appeared. Behind her followed most of the Death Eaters and the three Voldemorts, pushing along their Selaria siege-engine.  
  
They were spilling out of the rip now, masses of black little things with eyes and... urgh... they looked like Care Bears or something equally disgusting. The ground shook, and the Dark Lord and his minions (plus Meir Brin) were forced to steady themselves.  
  
They were coming onto the grounds now, the creatures that had threatened to overwhelm the fandom during last week's Canonquake. But now they were actually inside of HFA, running amuck.  
  
Screaming bloody murder ("BLOODY MURDEEEERRRR!!") the Death Eaters fell onto the creatures like they were copies of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" in the first two seconds past midnight in a popular bookstore franchise. Meir Brin lingered for a minute, before throwing herself into the fray.  
  
All sorts of fanfiction horrors were there. Some were Mary Sues from other fandoms, others carried the ethereal snarkiness that marked them as Slash Spirits. A few odd fanfiction Canon Characters had shown up, among them a couple Smurfs and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But this was the first time that Meir Brin had ever encountered a Vicious Avatar.  
  
Unlike the conventional meaning of "avatar" (defined in Webster's as "an incarnation of another person"), a fanfiction Avatar is much worse.  
  
At over seven feet tall they were more majestic than a conventional Mary Sue. In other fandoms they were tolerated and sometimes exterminated, having an effect of sapping a whole continuum of its strength if not put to good use. Like Slash Spirits some were good and some were bad. The one that appeared now was most definitely evil; otherwise it would not be attacking HFA. Vambiolatos broke the rules, Avatars played by them.  
  
And through that skill they had become perilous, overpowering all who opposed them, 'Sues and Canon Characters alike. Meir Brin gleaned a bit of hope in that she was neither (hopefully the Vambiolaria had worn off by now), but still had to swallow a lot of fear as it came through the rip in Reality.  
  
The Avatar smiled calmly, and reached for its wand. Meir Brin, deciding that it was time to fight dirty, rammed the point of her granite umbrella into the creature's crotch. It doubled up briefly, and then muttered an incantation that sent the HFA coordinator reeling. The Avatar started on another spell, and Meir Brin forced her feet to move sideways, avoiding the attack.  
  
"I am really going to file a grant for magical powers next year," said Meir Brin through clenched teeth, whacking the Avatar with her umbrella. "I have to be due *something*," said she.  
  
"Sproing!!" shouted someone behind her, and there was a bout of high- pitched cackling. "Gotcha!"  
  
Before Meir Brin knew what was going on, the Avatar had a wad of Tantaflaf in its face, and was suffocating. Spinning around, she grinned at Lord Voldemort, who was doing his victory dance as Tom Riddle loaded up the trebuchet with another gob of Tantaflaf.  
  
"Nice shot, Lord Voldemorts Collectively!" she called.  
  
Now there were more Canon Characters pouring onto the lawns, among them the most renowned wizards of Harry Potter fame: Albus Dumbledore, Mad-Eye Moody, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall... Even the Creevy brothers had showed up, and were blinding Vambiolatos with their camera flash before knocking them out with minor jinxes.  
  
Meir Brin looked back at the Avatar. It seemed to have reached the end of its proverbial rope, and started to get hazy around the edges. As its struggles ceased, it vanished completely.  
  
"We need to do something about those rips," she said aloud, whacking a passing Vambiolato with her umbrella before it could glomp Tom Riddle. "No glomping," she mumbled gruffly.  
  
"Dobby will take care of that!" said the high-pitched squeaky voice belonging to the House Elf himself. There was Dobby, running out from the castle, Mrs. Weasley not too far behind. They were both carrying skeins of yarn, and monstrous knitting needles that could have been used as arrows had one put fletching on them.  
  
The two knitters reached the slit in Reality and started to work. Dobby would stick his knitting needle with yarn attached to the end into what looked like thin air, and then pull it through like a giant sewing needle. Then he pulled it through the other side, and, amazingly enough defying all known laws of physics, sewing up the rip.  
  
Something hit her square on the face, and Meir Brin stopped watching to stomp viciously on a Smurf that was trying to hit her with berries. As she pounded the little creature flat, Meir Brin was heard muttering, "I guess we must never underestimate anything, even the power of everyday objects..."  
  
*********  
  
Author's Notes: Well, I'm sorry to leave you there, but I will not be updating for the next week or so (vacation time). The story will continue after the release of Book 5, though there will be some time lag as I cover events that should have happened prior to Book 5's release. Overall I think there will be nearly fifty chapters in this story, which means that I still have eleven to go.  
  
Enjoy the release of Book 5, Meir Brin 


	40. A Drink and a Warning

When the Canon Characters of HFA slumped back into Aerobics Lair that evening, the air was positively crackling with anticipation. The hype for Book the Fifth had obviously begun in the Real World, or at least become very acute. Soon the Canon would change. And then whatever was meant to happen would happen.  
  
Most of the HFA population hoped that whatever was going to occur would happen quickly. Professor Trelawney was in her element, predicting the terrible deaths that would await everyone in the fandom in the following book, including Meir Brin's. However, before she could say any more on the subject, Percy Weasley quieted the Seer with a Silencing Charm.  
  
The direst thought on everyone's mind was unfortunately the weakening Canon. This was the umpteenth time it had failed to keep out other beings, and was becoming less dependable than Wormtail having your back in a time of trouble. As far as Meir Brin knew, the rip in Canon had been healed to the best of their abilities, and the creatures had been sent back into their own realities. Still, there was that pressure on the Continuum, more than she had ever seen before.  
  
"I don't see why every bloody creature in the fanfiction worlds wants to get in here," muttered Ron, wiping sweat off of his forehead. "It's not like we don't have madmen running around like everywhere else," he said, gesturing to Lord Voldemort.  
  
The Dark Lord, meanwhile, was happily dividing the spoils of the hunt with his two counterparts. "I will take this Vambiolato, and LVJ gets this Avatar. You can have this dead Smurf, Tom."  
  
"All right, Tom," said Tom Riddle in a surly manner. "I will exchange my robot-gun-thingy for your flying-unicorn-thingy, LVJ," he said, holding up a weapon of high caliber.  
  
"No, mine," babbled LVJ, clutching the winged unicorn fiercely.  
  
Meir Brin shook her head and walked tiredly into the Whinging Scab. Snatching a bottle of butterbeer off of the rack, she flopped into one of the small spindly chairs.  
  
"That was less than enjoyable," said a voice behind her. The HFA coordinator looked up to see Remus Lupin and Professor Flitwick.  
  
"I'd agree there," said Meir Brin, moving so that they could sit down. "We got them, though." She added under her breath: "No bloody Smurfs are going to run around *this* school".  
  
"Yes, and did you see Dobby's handiwork? Why, I could not have done better myself," said Flitwick complimentarily. "I dare say the House-Elfs will be the saviors of us all sooner or later," he said.  
  
"Is there anything I can get for you?" asked a pleasant voice.  
  
"A grape soda, please, Rosmerta," said Flitwick  
  
"Water will do," said Lupin, rubbing his eyes. "How I detest being a lust- object."  
  
Meir Brin held up the bottle of butterbeer, indicating that she already had a drink. "Well, one can never tell. Perhaps this next book will present a more likable candidate for the fangirls' attention," she said. "Draw their thoughts away from you and Draco a bit."  
  
Remus nodded, but he still looked very weary. A full moon was creeping up on them at HFA, and he was not looking forward to it. For that matter, neither were the rest of the Canon Characters, who were not too thrilled about being locked up in the Canon Bunker with a ravenous werewolf.  
  
Rosmerta was then back, carrying the two Canon Characters' drinks. Flitwick took his, and raised his glass encouragingly. "To the appearance of more lust-objects then!"  
  
"I'll drink to that, I guess," said Meir Brin. Yet in the back of her mind she could not help but feel a great sense of dread looming over the castle. There were three days left.  
  
*********  
  
Ally skidded into "The Commitment of Evilness" and slammed the door shut just as the bell rang. Panting slightly, she collapsed into her seat, having narrowly outrun Peeves and his Minions (which required an unconventional capitalization, just by the very nature of the people comprising Peeves' following).  
  
"Welcome, welcome," said Lord Voldemort evilly, glancing around at his class. "Today I would very much like to discuss a topic about which I am very offended."  
  
FlamingElf ducked back into her seat. When the Dark Lord(s) were offended, there was rarely a pleasant consequence for the students.  
  
Tom Riddle strode to the forefront of the room. "Fanwriters, what is my name?"  
  
"Tom Marvolo Riddle," chorused the fanwriters. Asteria fainted in her chair, but was quickly revived by Antigra with a swift kick of the foot.  
  
Lord Voldemort strode to the front of the room. "And what is my name, pray tell?" he asked quietly, his red eyes narrowed into tiny slits. Ally had seen Lord Voldemort in many moods. She had seen him after the MAPLE games (which were now approaching the final match, Harry Potter verses Lord Voldemort. Most of the fanwriters were unsure of how this would play out, but a small gambling ring was going around, betting on the outcome. Ludo Bagman was said to be the mastermind behind the thing, but others had said that it was in fact Ginny Weasley's doing), where he looked happy and nearly giddy. She had seen him capturing fanwriters for his little experiments, looking meticulously clever and calculating. But she had never seen him look this, well, *evil*.  
  
Half of the fanwriter population, who were probably not watching their lecturer show his Spawn-of-Satan side, said "Lord Voldemort". Ally didn't. She was too busy cowering in her seat.  
  
Lord Voldemort drew his wand quietly. "Indeed. That is true. Yet how many of you do not fear me?"  
  
Some of the fanwriters raised their hands. But even the staunchest could not stop trembling as his red glare fell upon them. Behind the desk at the front of the room, Nagini the serpent hissed and was roused.  
  
"You do not fear my wrath?" said Lord Voldemort, and behind him Tom Riddle and LVJ could be seen snickering uncontrollably. The fanwriters did not take notice of this, too concerned with the angry Dark Lord before them.  
  
Nagini then slid onto Voldemort's desk, her monstrous head writhing back and forth as she surveyed the room. She tasted the air lazily.  
  
Near the back of the classroom, Belphegor said quietly: "We amend that. We are very much afraid." Her voice shook as his gaze fell upon the Wantingmors. How could this possibly be the same Dark Lord who had professed his love of Snoopy *and* Uncle Wiggly multiple times?  
  
Lord Voldemort chuckled in the back of his throat. "I thought you would come around. I have always wondered why so *many* of your characters feel brave enough to speak *my* name aloud. I am the epitome of evil, I am-"  
  
"Yes, yes, we know," said LVJ, slobbering down the front of his "Little Troublemakers" jumper. "From now on we're 'You-Know-Who' or 'He-Who-Must- Not-Be-Named'. For those of you who will not confuse us with other fandoms, we may be called 'The Dark Lord'."  
  
Ally mused how odd it must be to call a group of three beings "The Dark Lord". Perhaps they had formed a co-op of some sort, and that was how they got away with it. After some hefty lessons from Mr. Weasley and Hermione in Spellcheck class, she doubted she would ever confuse personal pronouns again. Well, at least she would try not to.  
  
Tom Riddle cleared his throat. "To drive home our point about the saying of our name, we will be doing a little exercise entitled 'How Much Do You Fear Me?'"  
  
Ally squirmed in her seat. Her fingers found the wand tucked into the pocket of her robes, and she contemplated how far she would get if she were to run screaming from the classroom. Probably not very far.  
  
Lord Voldemort then turned to Nagini, and spoke to her in Parseltongue. The sound sent chills down the back of Ally's neck, it was even worse than fingernails on the chalkboard or the chill she got whenever someone spoke of eating ice cubes. Nagini rose up on her front coils, and Ally watched in a trance as her tongue flicked in and out of her mouth. Lord Voldemort spoke one command, in a low, menacing hiss.  
  
Then the room dissolved into chaos. 


	41. The Retreat to Safety and a Massing befo...

Ally let herself be herded along down the passageway to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Nearly Headless Nick floated along above them, keeping an eye out for any students who might have a mind to glomp. This was the seeing- off party, and many of the students were weeping openly.  
  
"I don't want Remus to d-d-die!" wept Neshomeh. "Or Sn-sn-snape!"  
  
Carrying a small bundle of personal belongings over his shoulder, the Potionsmaster muttered, "Sometimes I think it would be nice to go where they cannot get me" as he swept into the girl's bathroom.  
  
Cedric Diggory sniffed from his place in the line, eyes fixed upon the fanwriters. "It's no bundle of roses being dead either," he said. "Half of them want to hug me, and the other half say 'At least it was you and not Draco'..."  
  
Ally felt the crowd fill in their side of the corridor and came to a stop. Someone -probably Hermione, it looked like her handiwork- had thought to conjure up police tape around their area. With the absence of the Mini- Aragogs, the Canon Characters had had to think of new ways to repel their lusters. This police tape was one of them. If any fanwriter sought to cross it, the tape would immediately come to life and bind them up, all the while playing old "Village People" songs on a flat accordion.  
  
Morchaint and Michelle Solo watched the proceedings with misty eyes bordering on reverence. Or that may just have been the fact that Bludgers had hit both of them in their Quidditch final. Still, whenever Remus Lupin walked by (appearing paranoid and shooting apprehensive looks at the fanwriters every three seconds) Michelle Solo raised her hand and waved. Lupin quickened his pace.  
  
It was such a shame, Ally thought. The fangirls do give a lot of us a bad name. Many of these people just want to be friends with the Canon Characters.  
  
And then she looked over at Amber, who was ogling the Weasley twins in a mixture of worship and fanatic adoration. Fred saw her and waved cheerfully, elbowing George. He waved as well, and tossed a cookie into the crowd. Five seconds later Amber had transformed into a large paper clip and back again, screaming, "I was the Weasleys' paper clip! I was the Weasleys' paper clip!"  
  
And then there were those who just loved the Canon Characters for their sheer awesomeness. Ally smiled, and then noticed Mika Sei jumping up and down, shouting "DRACO!! DRACO!!"  
  
There were those sorts, too.  
  
Leaning against the wall, Ally mused that she had been all three of those types. *All sorts make a world. In fanfiction we just seem to have more... variety.*  
  
*********  
  
Meir Brin paced back and forth along the familiar thoroughfare of Aerobics Lair. It was deserted. The Canon Characters had gone yesterday, leaving a quiet, eerie hall that echoed in its emptiness. It also stank, vaguely, and Meir Brin was pretty sure that Hagrid had left a stoat sandwich in his room. Concern about what *else* Hagrid kept in his quarters was the only thing that prevented her from going to dispose of it. She did not want to come face to face with a chimera or something so soon before the Canon change. Checking the timepiece on the wall, the HFA coordinator felt her insides writhe. Less than an hour until midnight. Less than an hour until Book the Fifth.  
  
It was time to rouse the students, then.  
  
First stop was the Lusterbuff Common room. "Up, up!" Meir Brin cried, pounding on the wall. A dozen girls tumbled out of the dormitories, fully dressed and looking eager.  
  
"Are they back yet?" asked Mystikalolo, pulling on her yellow robes over the ordinary Muggle clothes that the students had brought from home. "Can we see them?"  
  
"No, it's not even midnight," said Meir Brin as the rest of the house massed in the Common room. "I want you all to go to the Great Hall and sit down. This is for your own good; so don't even think about sneaking into the Chamber of Secrets. None of you put Parseltongue down on your application, so you can't get in."  
  
Alex and Gaia Myles groaned and shuffled past the coordinator, muttering things like "I knew I should have said 'demigod'" or "Why couldn't they have hidden in the Forbidden Forest? I'd have risked a werewolf bite for Remus..."  
  
Meir Brin shook her head, making for the Slashering dormitories now. Forty minutes until midnight...  
  
"Get dressed!" she said, bursting through the dungeon entrance. "All must report down to the Great Hall, and hurry!"  
  
C-Chan peeked blearily out from under a cushion. "Does this have to do with the peanut butter sandwiches I packed for Snape?"  
  
Meir Brin bit back a bark of laughter. So *that's* where those things had come from. Snape had not been pleased, to say the least, especially after the sandwiches had become sentient and tried to coat his hair with jelly and crunchy peanut butter. "No, no," she said, ushering the green-clad students out. "The Canon Characters have their bunker, you have yours."  
  
She then started up the staircase, turning down a hallway for the Canonlaw rooms. Most of the students there were awake, roasting marshmallows in their fire and chatting about what would happen next in the series.  
  
"But why?" asked Dana Dancer in response to Meir Brin's announcement that they were clearing out. "Can we at least bring our marshmallows?"  
  
Meir Brin glared in true Elrond fashion, yet let the bag of sugar slip by. *Should keep them occupied for a while,* she thought. *Even if they are scraping each other off the ceiling.*  
  
After the flurry of blue-cloaked fanwriters passed, Meir Brin set up the stairs again for Wantingmor. Wantingmor was the only house that didn't move around sporadically like the others, as it had a very firm place of residence behind a portrait. Lusterbuff could be anywhere from the lowest dungeon to the fourth floor on good days, whereas Canonlaw had been known to jump from the east side to the west side of the castle every other week.  
  
"Remembrall," said Meir Brin, and the portrait opened (the Fat Lady was absent in the Canon bunker, though).  
  
Wantingmor House looked like a graveyard complete with its own mourners. All of its inhabitants were seated in the Common area, staring at the fireplace. Some were swapping last-minute predictions about the coming of the fifth novel, while others were burning incense to J.K. Rowling that she might not kill off their favorite characters.  
  
"Great Hall, now."  
  
Smego Baggins yawned, and the fanwriters shuffled to the door. Their robes were a light red, bordering on pink without actually being pastel. Meir Brin tapped her foot on the floor, looking at the hourglass that told the time. "Hurry up, you lot! We only have twenty minutes left!"  
  
"S-sorry," yawned Molly Morgan. "Been up all night for the past three d-d- days," she said, stifling another sign of how tired she was.  
  
"That's your problem," said Meir Brin.  
  
Much to her dissatisfaction, the Wantingmors did not move any faster. *Time for drastic measures,* thought Meir Brin. Clearing her throat, she said "They have 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix' waiting down there..."  
  
By the time the dust cleared, Meir Brin was the only one in the corridor.  
  
"That's better..." muttered she. Meir Brin checked her watch again. Fifteen minutes.  
  
It was strange to walk through a deserted castle. Even more so without the Mini-Aragogs. Wherever they were, Meir Brin was really starting to miss them. She just reached the Great Hall when the time of five until midnight came. The fanwriters milled around, there eyes bleary yet impatient.  
  
"Where's the book?" asked Dethryl impatiently.  
  
"It's not here yet!" barked Dark One Shadowphyre. Salsa, Shadowphyre's junior trainee-assistant, nodded fiercely and muttered things along the lines of "What she said!".  
  
"In case you all have not noticed, it is not midnight yet," said Meir Brin to the large crowd that was looking for the fifth book.  
  
"We want it now!" said Grandmomma Longlegs.  
  
"Yes, precious!" squeaked Andtauriel Longwood-Baggins.  
  
"Hold on to your britches! It'll be here soon eno-"  
  
The fanwriters and uncanon staff were thrown to their knees as the ground shifted in a smooth sort of earthquake. It was as if someone turned the castle's foundations into pudding and was tilting the world back and forth to see it rock. Somewhere above them a clock chimed midnight. 


	42. Pulling Canon Through a Meatgrinder

Author's Notes: I would like to warn everyone who has not yet read 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix' that there may be some minor spoilers in the following chapters. Please read at your own discretion if you do not want to know what happens.  
  
*********  
  
Another impeccably smooth earthquake shook the castle. A chorus of "Whoa!" echoed around the Great Hall as everyone was thrown to their knees. Still, Meir Brin had to admit that this was not as bad as the Canonquakes they had been having in the past couple weeks. These seemed more controlled, and less malevolent in nature.  
  
"Get down, everyone!" shouted Klose. "Don't bother standing, we don't know how long this will last!"  
  
Meir Brin, Klose, Dark-One Shadowphyre, and Salsa braced against the doorway as the students rushed to avoid the tables, which had now slid feet away from their usual places. The grating squawk of wood on stone rang through the hallway, causing some with more delicate ears to groan.  
  
"I hope- that the Canon Characters- will be- all right," said Salsa between the great spasms running through Hogwarts castle.  
  
"They- should be," replied Shadowphyre. "We did- put enough cushioning- on the place."  
  
"Still, do you know- how long this- will take?" asked Klose, bracing herself in the doorjamb with her Selaria cricket bat. "Not a whole- year?"  
  
"It can't take-"  
  
"Ooommigoooodd!!" screamed Pandora suddenly. The four snapped around to look at what had caused the exclamation.  
  
"Oh, dear Eru..." said Meir Brin softly.  
  
It was as if someone was plucking apart all every atom in the castle one by one. The floating candles were unraveling into small blurry ghosts, and the ceiling (a star-speckled black) had shredded into a great haze. Klose thumped to the ground as the doorway she was leaning against flew apart.  
  
Meir Brin looked down at her hands, and much to her relief found that she too was not unraveling into small particles. Looking around the room, it appeared as if all of the fanwriters were intact. The tables suddenly became grid-like and burst apart in a storm of minute wood chips.  
  
The earthquakes tapered off into a small knot of tension underneath the school. If anyone had bothered to sit still for a second they would have realized that the ground was humming, as if holding in nervous energy. Meir Brin and the rest of the uncanon staff struggled to get up.  
  
"What's going on?" asked Salsa, gazing at the maelstrom of particles circling around the ceiling. The Great Hall was vanished, and the fanwriters seemed to be standing in the middle of a black void. Little bits of wall and table circled lazily above them.  
  
"I don't know," said Dark-One Shadowphyre uneasily. "It doesn't look good, in any case."  
  
*********  
  
The blackness swirled around Ally menacingly. Before she could stop herself she was screaming, her hands shaking as she pounded angrily on the colorless floor. Shadows flickered all around her, and her heart beat faster with fear-induced adrenaline.  
  
Ally covered her eyes blindly, trying to shut out the dark with closed eyes, which Ally would have realized as rather futile if she were to think about it. Someone was shaking her shoulder hurriedly, and Ally recognized Redfire's anxious voice.  
  
"Are you okay, Ally? Come on, get up!"  
  
Ally opened her eyes, and found herself looking down at the floor. It was jet black, the same as the rest of the place, except that it was solid. She looked up, her fingers knotted into her blue robes.  
  
"Ally, get up! It's okay!" said Redfire, but Ally knew inherently that it wasn't.  
  
"I can't!" she wailed.  
  
Hands gripped her jaw and pushed her head to look straight ahead at Redfire. "Look, we're all in here," said Redfire, and her voice was shaking yet calm. "See?"  
  
"It's okay, Ally, really," said Molly W, and Ally realized that it was she who had made her look up. "Come on, stand up."  
  
Blinking away tears, Ally found that there was a soft glow about the place, that the dark was not complete. The fanwriters' cloaks were illuminating the void around them, and the mass of particles hovering near what had been the ceiling were now reflecting that light like a river of luminous diamonds. Redfire was holding Ally up, still watching her with concern.  
  
"Not so bad?" asked Redfire.  
  
Ally's eyes widened as she realized what she was seeing. "What do you mean it's 'not so bad'?! It's terrible! What's going to happen to us now? Are we going to vanish like the rest of HFA? How can things be all right?!"  
  
Molly W shook her head sagely. "At least you're on the same page as the rest of us now," she said in a placating manner. "It's not that bad, once you get used to it."  
  
"Yeah, it is kind of pretty," said Riona, looking up at the diamond lights.  
  
"Pretty?!" squawked Ally. "Pretty?!"  
  
"Look at that!" screamed Terra-incognito. "What's it doing?"  
  
Eyes shifted quickly to a point high above them, higher even than the mesh of glowing particles. A glittering stream was flowing from the mass of light to an apex in the dark vault. Like a ribbon the thin line cascaded around the fanwriters, forming a sort of luminous cage. Ribs branched out into glowing outlines of windows, doors, and tiles.  
  
Right in front of Ally's eyes the particles aligned themselves into an exact replica of the HFA Great Hall. The particles that were left descended into clumps that straightened themselves out into tables, chairs, benches, and candles. Ally stepped forward to a line of white fragments that were moving back and forth within its boundary. Outside the darkness waned, and the Great Hall was cast of diamond.  
  
"Isn't it pretty?" whispered the Nemesister Raptor.  
  
"I wonder if we can keep it like this," said Onyx.  
  
"Wow..."  
  
At once the moving particles stiffened. The ground shifted violently, and out from the lines sprang the pieces, locking together like a braided rope. First from the pinnacle at the ceiling, then down from the walls; it was like watching a plant's stem shoot out thorns that interlocked with those of the plants next to it. Ally gasped as a wall solidified right in front of her nose, and there was a series of clunks that signaled the reformation of the tables.  
  
She looked up, and witnessed a candle braid itself together piece by piece, every particle in its place. Then with a gentle puff, a flame appeared at its tip.  
  
The Great Hall was silent. The fanwriters stared at each other dazedly, wondering if they had in fact seen what had happened. Redfire's mouth was hanging open, and Molly W appeared to be having trouble with the concept of reality latching itself together as well.  
  
Last to return was the enchanted ceiling. A great black cloud seemed to descend from above, and with a series of popping sounds the stars were alight.  
  
"Is it... over?" asked Ally. She looked down the length of the hall to where the uncanon staff was staring around confusedly. Ally squirmed with a snippet of smug knowledge -they hadn't known what was happening either.  
  
"I think it is..." said Riona. "It wasn't... too bad..."  
  
Ally thought about this. "You know... it wasn't."  
  
"Everyone, please return to your dormitories," said Meir Brin weakly. "Watch your step; we have yet to figure out if any locations have changed, and the Canon is nearly defenseless right now."  
  
This information caught Ally off guard, and she puzzled this. Why on earth would the Canon be defenseless? Hadn't it just become all new and shiny?  
  
"Why's that?" asked Rex Natos loudly, voicing Ally's (and probably most of the fanwriters') question.  
  
Meir Brin ran a hand through her dark hair wearily. "Think of a bird that is just hatched from its egg. It has yet to become a grown creature, and is at the mercy of the elements. That's why I wanted the PPC here," she added in an undertone to Shadowphyre and Klose. "Give it time to solidify properly, and for heaven's sake don't write anything.  
  
"Now, we'll be getting a shipment of the books tomorrow morning, and you can all-"  
  
What they could all do was not found out until much later. For the great Ironic Over-power had been roused. It is one of the characteristics of a tragedy that it will come right after it has been warned of, and that feature had just been activated.  
  
Then reality was slit from crown to toe. As weak as a newly hatched sparrow, the Canon could not prevent their coming.  
  
Slice.  
  
Crack.  
  
Giggle. 


	43. Armageddon

Ally had little time to think, let alone prepare herself for the massive earthquake that struck the school. A small dot, no larger than an inkwell, had appeared, hovering over the teachers' table at the front of the Great Hall. The fanwriters backed toward the doorway, away from the hovering ball, despite Klose' demands for the fanwriters to stay where they were.  
  
Suddenly a large, high-pitched noise echoed around the building. Ally stopped her ears, as did the rest of the student body. The dot of light was growing bigger, more solid. The sound bounced off of her eardrums like an elephant off a wickerwork trampoline once more. And then she realized what it was. Giggling.  
  
The point of light now turned an ugly shade of Blello, and seemed to drop out lines like a strawberry plant sending out runners. One of them set down next to Alex. She gasped as the Blello light touched her skin, the fell over in a dead faint.  
  
Then the sounds of many feet started among the fanwriters as they made for the doorway, trampling those who got in their way.  
  
"Thou shalt not glomp!" screamed Meir Brin suddenly. Ally stopped, the old fear reentering her. *No glomping, that bad, get punished...* said her mind automatically. Around her, the fanwriters appeared to have frozen in mid-step. Ashura Rowena Dumbledore overbalanced and fell over.  
  
"Hold it there, the last thing we need now is for you all to panic and go crazy," said Dark-One Shadowphyre gruffly.  
  
"Well I'm bloody scared!" said Catrin Pritchard loudly. "Don't know about you, but I'm getting out of-"  
  
Before a full-scale riot could break out, something even more disastrous happened. The little rivers of Blello broke open, like the curtain parting on some hideous musical, perhaps as it had in "The Pirates of Penance". Creatures stood there, large, shadowy shapes with malevolent eyes. From the first Blello orb a voice spoke out, clear and menacing.  
  
"The bird's dead. You're ours now."  
  
Silvery laughter resounded from "backstage". Ally felt her heart thudding loudly against her throat, and then Riona prodded her hard on the back of her shoulder. The Slashering had her wand drawn, and was pointing to it meaningfully. Ally jumped with a soft "Yeah" and produced her own from inside her pocket.  
  
Out from the terrible rip in reality strode what was unmistakably a Vambiolato. She was tall, with long, bright hair and cerulean eyes. A shimmering green dress clung a little *too* tightly to her perfect body. Ally had the oddest urge to retch.  
  
Then others filed out, filling in the ranks behind the Mary Sue. Other Vambiolatos, with multi-colored hair and eyes, followed by calm, dark Avatars with merciless eyes. Drifting out over their heads were silvery ghosts that laughed crazily and darted their red eyes back and forth, as if searching for Canon Characters.  
  
"What are those?" whispered Mirild Sket, pointing to the ghosts.  
  
"Slash demons," replied Grandmomma Longlegs, whispering quickly. "Spirits of Bad Slash fics that have been turned loose into the fandom. You can tell the difference between a Slash demon and a Slash angel by their eyes... If they were brown-eyed they'd be Goodfic spirits. The red eyes mark them as bad... I wonder how Severus is doing..."  
  
"Excuse me, move a bit, thanks..." murmured someone behind Ally, and she was jostled aside as the uncanon staff pushed to the forefront of the crowd.  
  
Just then the glass windows burst apart into tiny shards that fell painfully over the fanwriters. Vambiolatos flew through on broomsticks, carrying wands and exotic pets such as phoenixes, eagles, and baby tigers.  
  
"Take us to the men," said the head Sue firmly. She tapped her wand expectantly against her palm, and Ally marveled that she didn't injure herself like Claudia Beth King (she had accidentally set her thumb on fire the same way).  
  
"No," said Meir Brin, now looking utterly furious. "Get your flouncy Canon- messing friends out of this school." Klose brandished her cricket bat, and Shadowphyre transformed into a large, panther-like beast.  
  
The Sue grinned happily. "I've heard of you lot," she said, glowing an ethereal shade of pink. "Sparkedeepers!"  
  
Before Ally could say "What the-", Shadowphyre, Meir Brin, Klose, and Salsa had been thrown backwards and into the back wall of the Great Hall. With a sickening crunch, not unlike bones being broken, the four plummeted and fell.  
  
"Now," said the Sue pleasantly. "If you take us to our men, we'll let you watch..."  
  
*********  
  
Meir Brin saw the following events through a haze, feeling as if she had been run over with a steamroller and then succumbed to full-body paralysis. She was vaguely aware of the Sue talking, and groaned inwardly. This was not supposed to happen, this was just cruel. To have been gotten the better of by a Mary Sue... that was a sad comedown for the uncanon staff.  
  
"...let you watch..." said the Sue suggestively, and Meir Brin tried to banish that mental image just as it came. Knowing the fanwriters, this would be the end of HFA.  
  
But then a great, angry roar rose up from the students. She dimly realized that she was hanging over the large crenellation over the door arc, and with some difficulty turned her head to see what was going on.  
  
It... couldn't be?  
  
The fanwriters were charging again, but this time they were not bolting toward the door. They were charging the Vambiolatos, wands held high with a light of mad fury in their eyes. The little House-Elf student, Andtauriel Longwood, latched onto the head Sue's face and preceded to claw at her eyes, while Eibbor Nakrus and C-Chan simultaneously set an Avatar alight with the Incendio charm.  
  
A stupid sort of grin crawled over Meir Brin's face. *I've underestimated them, again...* she thought, trying to climb off of the fretwork.  
  
Newmoon, meanwhile, had rushed a scared half-unicorn Sue and was blasting her repeatedly with the Flipendo jinx. A group of Wantingmors including Rhiannon and Neshomeh had combined forces to dispel a Slash spirit, a look of retribution on their faces.  
  
Above the sounds of battle (which also included some unfortunate back-fired spells; Chibigreen appeared to have Disarmed herself unintentionally) came a voice that caused the coordinator a moment of confusion. A fanwriter with bleached-blonde hair that had long since grown out was standing on one of the tables, her face covered with one hand, as she threw out spells at an Avatar that was bearing down on her with its wand. When the Avatar was stunned for a moment, the Canonlaw screamed out: "Protect the entrance, they'll never get our guys! For Haaaaarrrryy!!"  
  
"For Reeeemmuuusss!!"  
  
"Seeevvviiiee-kiiinnnsss!!"  
  
"DRAAACCOOOO!!"  
  
The tide appeared to be turning, but not for long. As if they had all queued up outside, the Sues, Avatars, and demons were continuing to force their way into HFA. Meir Brin finally managed to wrench herself upward and out of the spell, and then fell off of the crenellation and onto the ground. Screams rose from the battling masses; a downpour of Punctuation had begun.  
  
"We'll never beat them this way," said Klose from somewhere near the ground. Meir Brin helped her sit up as Shadowphyre began to twitch and stood up, in human form once again. Hails of periods and exclamation points pelted them on the head, leaving large, red welts.  
  
"Not with just us here," agreed Shadowphyre, rubbing her wrists and dodging a five-question mark combination. "Come on, let's at least try, though. Salsa? Are you up yet?"  
  
Salsa shifted painfully and clutched at her stomach. "Don't feel too good..." Two commas struck her on the head, and she turned away from the group, vomiting.  
  
A conclusion had formed in Meir Brin's mind, and she pressed her forehead against the wall, urging her head to stop pounding (and being pelted with Punctuation at the same time). "Klose is right, though. They outnumber us, and we don't know how many more are... coming."  
  
"What do you intend to do about it, then?" asked Shadowphyre, somewhat incredulous.  
  
"Urgh..." gasped a fanwriter as she slammed into the wall behind them, and Meir Brin recognized her as the Canonlaw who had stood on the table, battling an Avatar.  
  
Meir Brin grabbed a small, white box that was tied to her belt, and drew the Switch of Character Banishment simultaneously. "You, take this," said Meir Brin, throwing the black implement to the Canonlaw fanwriter. "Ally White, isn't it?"  
  
The girl nodded, and looked as if she was about to wet herself.  
  
"Just keep them away from the Canon Bunker," said Meir Brin to Shadowphyre. "I'm going to the PPC." 


	44. To Duel Fanfiction

Author's Note: Thanks to all of the PPC agents who volunteered for a part in the following chapters. Your help is very much appreciated. ^_^  
  
*********  
  
Foo Powder was a truly terrible way to travel, thought Meir Brin as she skidded headfirst into the fireplace. "Headquarters!" she yelled, halfway into the flames. A multitude of bright colors flashed around her, and then there was a loud thud.  
  
"Hey, Meir! Meir, Meir, Meir, Meir, Meir!!" said someone excitedly as the HFA coordinator came into consciousness with a monumental headache. She blinked, and found herself looking up at a face that was exactly the same as her own.  
  
"Meir!" said the person happily, hugging her around the shoulders.  
  
"Marokee..." growled Meir Brin. "Nice to see you, too. This is the PPC, right?"  
  
Marokee helped her up, nodding furiously. "Yes, this is the cafeteria, with all the food, and drink, and... What're *you* doing here?"  
  
"Yes, what's going on?" asked another voice.  
  
"Aria!" said Meir Brin, very relieved. "It's a long story, but-- The Harry Potter Canon's broken!" she blurted out. "We've got Mary Sues, and Slash demons, and, and-"  
  
"'Sues?" asked a large, imposing agent, snapping her plastic fork in half.  
  
"Yes, all over, and I-"  
  
"Slash demons?" uttered another agent, who didn't look to be quite human. "What continuum is this, again?"  
  
"Harry Potter," replied Meir Brin, close to tears. "And I don't think we can keep them away from the Canon Characters much longer, not with the Mini- Aragogs gone-"  
  
"The Mini-Aragogs are missing?" asked Polaris, coming up behind Aria. "Since when?"  
  
"Oh, a couple months ago," said Meir Brin, as a horde of PPC agents started to form a ring around her.  
  
"This *is* bad," said Aria. "Come on, we'll sort this out," she said, elbowing her way through the crowd and dragging Polaris and Meir Brin with her. The sound of her fluffy slippers sounded strange on the polished, slightly scorched floor.  
  
"We have to go now, though!" sputtered Meir Brin.  
  
"Time works differently here, we're all right," yelled Aria. "Polaris, could you round up a crew of agents?"  
  
"Let go of my arm and I will," said Polaris, radiating excitement.  
  
"Sure," said Aria, and Polaris careened back into the cafeteria, shouting: "HFA's under attack! To arms! To arms!"  
  
"Where are we going?" asked Meir Brin as they sped past numerous black doors.  
  
"To find the Mini-Aragogs," replied Aria, skidding to a halt in front of a door tucked into the corner of a hallway. "Ah, Intelligence," she said, pounding on the black surface.  
  
A woman answered, looking as though she experienced this sort of thing a lot. "What is it?"  
  
"Architeuthis, this is Meir Brin, Meir Brin, Architeuthis. We need a multi- fandom scan for about three hundred or so Mini-Aragogs, then rout them back to HFA," said Aria quickly. "Thank you!"  
  
Architeuthis looked at Aria bemusedly, then nodded and turned back to her computer console. "Lots of spiders, to the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy. I'll see what I can do. Any particular reason why they have gone missing?"  
  
"HFA's Canon's broken," supplied Meir Brin as Aria started running back to the cafeteria with her in tow. "Thank yooouuu..."  
  
*********  
  
The battle had spilled out of the Great Hall and onto the lawn. Ally hadn't been quite sure what to do with the Switch of Character Banishment until a Sue charged her and Ally found how satisfying it was to smack things with it. Needless to say, with a self-explanatory name like "The Switch of Character Banishment", Ally hadn't been in the dark for too long.  
  
She was currently holding a line of fanwriters at the foot of the main staircase, smacking things left and right while trying to use her wand at the same time. Klose had recruited some of the better flyers, like Hermione8meg, Serenity Bloom, KazraGirl, and Doom Song, and mounted them on broomsticks in a twisted sort of cavalry corps. The only problem with having spellwork in the air was that bodies would fall upon the students on the ground if a cavalier was knocked off of his or her broomstick. Such was the case when Doom Song plummeted ten feet, to land immobilized upon an Evil Avatar. The Avatar had been disposed of, but the loss of another fanwriter was something that HFA could not afford.  
  
For already the enemy battalion outnumbered the fanwriters at least three to one. Ally, Redfire, Molly W, and Riona had taken charge of the battle indoors, hexing Vambiolatos into oblivion as best they could. The remainder of the uncanon staff had retreated to the castle steps, where Slash demons were falling like flies before a horde of angry Wantingmors.  
  
"Swish, smack!" went the Switch of Character Banishment, and a Mary Sue vanished before Ally's eyes. Ally had never been especially brave; fear and an overwhelming sense of duty were the only things supporting her so far. She had never been so terrified in her life, especially after what had happened to Rex Natos.  
  
The Vambiolatos had cornered the Fellowship of the Peeves near a broom cupboard on the first floor, and it was there that they had displayed a new weapon: Habadaba Queenia. Ally's nerve had crumbled when she had seen the rainbow spell shot at her fellow fanwriters. Now Rex Natos was imprisoned in a glittering rainbow bubble, suspended sixteen feet in the air. That had been her creation, her Fan-Created Spell, and now she was regretting it more and more.  
  
It was only fear that was keeping her going now, only dread at what the Vambiolatos and Evil Avatars would do to her friends that was making her fight. She twirled the black Switch down upon an approaching Mary Sue, and it fell, vanishing before its perfect body could hit the floor.  
  
"Stupefy!" screamed San Carpenter the Insane, throwing a Stunner at a Slash demon. It froze in mid-air, then crumbled into dust. Being without substance, the Slash demons could not take a normal spell as lightly as some of the other creatures.  
  
Alanna Roseguard and Nathonea Dewstan pushed their way through the masses, to take up a position next to Ally.  
  
"They've taken the dungeons," said Alanna, Disarming an Evil Avatar as it approached. "Dark-One Shadowphyre said to tell you not to let them pass these steps."  
  
Ally nodded. "Yeah, they can't get to the second floor, whatever happens," she panted, banishing a Vambiolato. It screamed and tried to shoot fireballs out of its eyes before falling to the ground and disappearing.  
  
"Back to the grind, then?" asked Nathonea, brandishing a large sword that she must have taken off of an Evil Avatar. "Serpensortia!"  
  
Suddenly a flash of light illuminated the Entrance Hall, and Ally whipped around to see a large white window opening behind her at the top of the stairs. The Vambiolatos froze momentarily as their varied eyes adjusted to the brightness. Ally shielded her face and squinted at the shining window, before a wide grin spread itself over her face.  
  
Ally would not learn their names until much later, but at that moment she would have glomped the whole lot of them. Well-armed PPC agents with wild eyes were striding out into the early morning glow that had lit HFA in gentle radiance. In the forefront of the lot was Agent Polaris, tranquilizer gun at the ready, followed by Agents Jay Thorntree, BriRi, and Taboo.  
  
"Meir Brin wasn't kidding," said Agent Mary Sue, swigging a bottle of tequila. "Up and at'em, you-!" The rest of what Agent Mary Sue has been censored, but it did cause the nearest Vambiolato's head to explode.  
  
Ally was pressed back against the railing as the horde of PPC agents streamed out, shouting battle cries and cutting through the enemy ranks like a Mini-Aragog through a bucket of Bouillabaisse. Agents Erin Mirestone and Kuro Shin climbed up on top of the banister and were hexing Slash demons viciously, while Laurina Twain and Katryn laid into a pack of Vambiolatos that had the remainder of the Fellowship of the Peeves surrounded.  
  
"May I borrow this?" asked a voice, sounding amused. Ally turned to see Meir Brin watching the battle with a look of satisfaction, pointing to the Switch of Character Banishment.  
  
Ally stumbled, and only then realized that she hadn't seen the HFA coordinator since three hours ago when Meir Brin had lent her the Switch. "Yeah, sure, thanks," she muttered, feeling too tired to respond correctly.  
  
Meir Brin smiled and went off to terrorize some Evil Avatars that had staked out a fort in one of Filch's broom closets.  
  
"Are you lot all right over here?" asked a PPC Agent, carrying a roll of bandages over her arm. "I'm Agent Navaeh, this is Agent Jocelyn," she said, checking them over for injuries.  
  
"Err, could you look at this?" asked Riona, pointing to a purple bruise that had blossomed near her cheekbone. Navaeh hurried over to apply a salve, while Agent Jocelyn fended off a Slash demon that was careening toward them.  
  
Ally was knocked back into battle mode all of a sudden, and would have hit herself if her arms hadn't felt like lead. Just because the PPC agents had all come didn't mean that the fight was over! Now she was back with just her wand, which in many ways suited her just fine. You didn't have to have a lot of upper body strength to perform spellwork, unlike with the Switch of Character Banishment, which easily weighed a good twenty pounds.  
  
"Expelliarmus!" she cried, launching herself back into the thick of things. Soon she found herself fighting next to Agent Lambda of the PPC, who seemed to have run out of ammunition for her tranquilizer gun and was therefore using it to bash Mary Sues. No longer was Ally fumbling to remember the names of the five spells that she could use, they rolled quickly off her tongue as if she had been doing them for the whole year, despite her extreme fatigue.  
  
Indeed, how tired she was! Ally could never remember feeling this exhausted, mentally or physically. Now that the PPC was here, the edge of her fear had been dulled, and that terrified emotion that had driven her was now ebbing away. Instead, hope had swelled inside of her, yet if she had been asked about it later, Ally probably would have said that hope did more harm than good. More than ever she wanted to sleep, and it was only when she saw the angry, malicious faces of the Vambiolatos that she began to fight anew.  
  
Ally was just beginning to succumb to her fatigue when a loud cry brought her to her senses. A fresh rip in reality had appeared in the air above her, and more creatures were streaming through it. "Does it never end?!" she wailed, elbowing a part-Fairy Vambiolato in the face.  
  
Nearby, Agent Milask laughed heartily. "If it ever did, we'd be out of a job!" 


	45. The Good Fight

HFA was a mess. Dueling fanwriters fought side by side with PPC agents against the doom that was renegade fanfiction. Ally had no idea how much time had passed since she had watched the Canon change at midnight, but as sunlight was beginning to enter the Entrance Hall she guessed that it must be nearing six o'clock in the morning. Ally's stomach growled as she Stunned an Evil Avatar. She wished that she had eaten more for dinner last night.  
  
The great doors were hanging lopsidedly off of their hinges, and it was there that the fiercest fighting was taking place. Agents Raen and Lily Took were there, protecting a group of fanwriters who had been shot down. Among them were Mercuria and FlamingElf, both having been at the wrong end of a rather vicious Sparkly Rainbow hex. A pool of blood surrounded the entity known only as The Scourge, somehow affiliated with the PPC, who had put a lot of the enemies out of action with a ballpoint pen.  
  
A brazen cry rent the air suddenly, and Ally lifted her head from the commotion. Around her, several Vambiolatos covered their ears, shrieking at the horrid sound. Ally was wondering why this was; to her it sounded beautiful. Then several things happened at once. For your convenience, we shall attempt to put them into a sort of order.  
  
Firstly, a great portal similar to the one that had transported the PPC agents to HFA flickered to life, and out came Miss Cam of the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth with a horde of mini-Balrogs. Accompanying her was GreyLadyBast with Her Ladyship Shelob, the giant spider that had wedded Aragog.  
  
Secondly, another portal of similar nature came to life, and a delegation from what Ally would later learn to be the Official Buffy & Angel Fanfiction University appeared, lead by the formidable Miss H and Rhysdux. Behind this group was a small party of mini-lavi from the fanfiction university of Chrono Trigger, with Miss Cerberus at the head.  
  
But the most looked for arrival at that moment came from HFA itself. Fawkes the phoenix burst into the room amidst a puff of flames, singing gloriously to herald the rising sun. Night was passing, and at the top of the staircase stood the Harry Potter Canon Characters like some beautiful mirage that Ally dared not believe to be real.  
  
The battle froze momentarily like something borrowed from the Matrix continuum. A stony silence filled the Entrance Hall.  
  
It was broken by the sound of scraping metallic wheels. Lord Voldemort and Tom Riddle were pushing their siege engine to the forefront of the crowd as LVJ loaded it with Tantaflaf.  
  
A wire was cut, the Tantaflaf flew, and the Voldemort co-op shouted simultaneously: "We're back!!"  
  
*********  
  
The tide had turned. Even the Mary Sues knew it.  
  
This was as good as it got, thought Meir Brin as Elessor and Giligad the mini-Balrogs double-teamed a Vambiolato. A mass of Tantaflaf fell to the ground with an ominous "splat!", crushing four Slash demons that had been making a beeline for Percy Weasley. Though the huge gashes in reality had yet to close up, fewer and fewer fanfiction renegades were slipping through.  
  
There was a great sound of hissing and sparking, and Meir Brin looked up to see Fred and George sending off the most amusing fireworks at an Evil Avatar who had Dethryl pinned against the wall. A short, flat-faced woman who Meir Brin assumed was a new Canon Character had five Vambiolatos cornered at wand-point. Harry Potter crept up behind her and dispatched the 'Sues with an Impediment Jinx, then tripped the woman as she spun around to see who had done it. Meir Brin saw Ron and Hermione laughing at this as Harry ran over to a group of Slash demons that were menacing Remus Lupin.  
  
The only ones missing from the fray seemed to be the Mini-Aragogs.  
  
Hoping that Architeuthis would find them in one piece, Meir Brin smacked an Evil Avatar that was bearing down on Agent Alec Troven. "Aw, I wanted to eat that," said Agent Verra, who had the ability to transform into a very large dragon. "No mind, I'll take that one," she said as a Vambiolato attempted to curse her.  
  
And then the school echoed with the pitter-patter of little arachnid feet.  
  
"We comes, we comes! With beats of drums, to smitingses the scums! We comes, we comes!" rang through the Entrance Hall.  
  
A feeling of great happiness filled Meir Brin from crown to toe. Mini- Aragogs were swarming across the lawn from a large portal that had been set up midway between the door and the lake. Standing nearby with a "portal thingy" (PPC terminology was a wonderful thing indeed) in her hand was Architeuthis, accompanied by Agent Mel of the Department of Misplaced Flora and Fauna.  
  
"Ffffff -click- keekeeeeennn!!" screeched the Mini-Aragogs. Pointing their spinnerets skyward, they shot long silvery threads up to the ceiling, and rose up like their infamous student yo-yos on the reverse throw.  
  
"What are they doing?" asked Neville Longbottom, hexing a Slash demon that was trying to sneak up on him.  
  
"Urgh, tell me when its over," said Ron Weasley, looking away. He was possibly the only Canon Character who was less than fond of the miniature spiders.  
  
But Meir Brin had a good idea of what the Mini-Aragogs were up to. Sure enough, once Bernon and Okliver were close enough to a rip in reality, they spun another thread around the tiny edge, creating a sort of catwalk from gash to gash. Then Dobbie and Werasley the Mini-Aragogs started to stitch the slice back together just as Mrs. Weasley and Dobby the House-Elf had with their knitting needles so long ago.  
  
A Vambiolato tried to escape from the slice that was quickly vanishing beneath layers of spider web. Unfortunately for her, Parfait and Podme caught her in their pincers and started to toss the 'Sue up and down like a grotesque game of "hot potato". Then the rip in reality was sewn together like a fly within a web, and as Werasley finished off its thread the cocoon disappeared completely, signaling that the hole had closed up as well. With a satisfied click of his pincers, Dobbie moved on to the next cut, where McGongall and Petegrew were halfway done.  
  
On the ground, the HFA Canon Characters, fanwriters, mini-Balrogs, Official Fanfiction University delegations, and PPC agents were finishing off the last of the fanfiction renegades. Dimond and Agent Nath closed in on an Evil Avatar, and with a couple cries of "Expelliarmus!" and a loud "twang!" from Nath's bow, it was gone. There was a sound like a huge zipper being, well, zipped, and the last of the rips in reality disappeared.  
  
"Is it... over?" asked Newmoon, leaning heavily against the Mary Sue statue. "They're all gone?"  
  
"So it would seem," said Miss Cam of OFUM briskly. "Though I must inquire about where the Mini-Aragogs have been all this time."  
  
"You'd never guess in a million years," said Agent Mel, coming into the castle with Architeuthis. "We were going through scans and scans of the 'Lord of the Rings' fandom, thinking that Mirkwood was where they might have gone."  
  
"But there was nothing there," continued Architeuthis, "so we widened the scan to include all fandoms that have a history of sentient spiders in their Canon. Still nothing."  
  
Lockheart, Meir Brin's Mini-Aragog, dropped down on a glossy thread to hang level with the two PPC agents. "Brum, be-diddly bump bump! Brum, bidilly ump, ump! Bump, bump, boomses!" he hummed.  
  
Something jogged in Meir Brin's memory. "That was the sound we heard when you lot vanished! What is-"  
  
Architeuthis smiled and pulled a small recording device from her pocket. "It's the theme song to the show that we tracked them to. Listen to this." The Intelligence agent clicked a button on the machine, and a chorus of children's voices started to sing:  
  
"Bob the Builder! Can - he - fix - it? Yes, he can!"  
  
Lockheart angled his pincers in the Mini-Aragog version of a smile. "Brum, be-diddly bump bump! Brum, bidilly ump, ump! Bump, bump, boomses! Bobs, the builderses! Cans heses fixs its? Yesh hes canses!"  
  
Meir Brin nearly choked. "What kind of fanfiction would link Potterverse to 'Bob the Builder'?! 'Sesame Street' or 'Blue's Clues', maybe, I could see someone writing that as a joke, but 'Bob the Builder'?!"  
  
"We'll have to keep an eye out for that story," said Architeuthis, looking amused.  
  
"'Bob the Builder' indeed..." grumbled Meir Brin, walking through the rubble that had once been the intricate and beautiful fretwork of Hogwarts' Entrance Hall. Due to the very nature of the Vambiolato and Evil Avatar, no corpses remained, just the acrid stench of burnt hairspray.  
  
"Meir Brin!" said Lily Potter, walking up arm-in-arm with James. "You'll never guess what happens in 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix'! I had some screen, er, page time! In a flashback sort of- what's wrong?"  
  
For Meir Brin had jammed her fingers into her ears and was humming at the top of her lungs. She broke off to say: "No, don't spoil it! I want to read it first!"  
  
A great wail rose up from the conscious fanwriters. "When do we get to read it?" cried Onyx and Smego Baggins. "I've got to know if Remus is all right!" added Stephanie Brown.  
  
"I'm -mmph" began Lupin, but a woman with pink hair clamped her hand over his mouth before he could finish. "Don't ruin it, Remus!" she said.  
  
"We've got to know what happens!" shouted the Slasherings simultaneously. "Who's with who?"  
  
"Well," said Agent *Katrina*, who somehow managed to pronounce her name with additional punctuation, "You might have a look at the load of books that just appeared near the Whomping Willow."  
  
And for the first time in the history of HFA, Meir Brin partook in a stampede along with the fanwriters. 


	46. The Sadness of HFA, and the Luckiness of...

After a twenty-four-hour reading binge, Meir Brin was happily digesting the next lump of Canon in Aerobics Lair, surrounded by a nest of Mini-Aragogs. Flipping through the last page, she got to her feet reluctantly and proceeded to the Hospital Wing.  
  
"The spirit of Rowling compels thee!" cried Agent Claudia Beth King as Meir Brin walked into the impeccably clean room.  
  
Mad-Eye Moody screamed, and was exorcised. "First that Death Eater, Crouch, now some 'Lisa' girl who wants me with Dumbledore... I've had enough of this blubbering quiver-gutted..." he muttered furiously, his clawed foot thumping loudly as he strode out of the infirmary.  
  
"How are they all doing?" asked Meir Brin, eying the twenty-five fanwriters who were still suffering spell damage. Mystikalolo rolled over in her sleep, displaying the Blello fur that a Vambiolato's jinx had left her with. Madam Pomfrey hurried to cover her with a blanket before they were blinded.  
  
"Oh, as best as can be expected, I think. Agent Achren still has the lettuce growths, but I think that once the flobberworms do their magic she'll be all right," said Madam Pomfrey. She lowered her voice. "It's actually Mr. Black that I'm most worried about. I don't think he's taking death too well."  
  
Down at the far end of the Hospital Wing, Sirius Black was sitting up in his bed, gazing fixedly out the window. A pile of magazines were scattered around the foot of his bed, including Nearly Headless Nick's personal favorite, "Dead But Not Forgotten: How to Keep Your Memory Alive and Kicking", along with Peeves' "Mayhem and Merry-Making for the Vengeful Spirit".  
  
"Mr. Black? Would you like anything to eat?" asked Madam Pomfrey. "Mr. Crouch was most hungry after his resurrection, I'm surprised that you don't want anything..."  
  
Sirius Black shook his head. "I'm fine."  
  
"The support group's meeting later tonight, you remember the 'Character Deaths Anonymous' help line? They're really looking forward to meeting with you..." coaxed the Hogwarts nurse.  
  
"I already know most of them," said Sirius quietly. "I'd just rather... stay here."  
  
"Oh, do come out of it Mr. Black! There's no reason that you can't enjoy HFA if you're deceased! It's not like you won't be able to see Harry anymore!" exclaimed Madam Pomfrey. "A Canonical death isn't the worst thing that can happen!"  
  
"Then what is?" asked Sirius testily. "Do you know how many fanwriters have tried to hug me today? Do you know how many start crying whenever they see me?"  
  
"Well!" huffed Madam Pomfrey. "If that's how you want to be, then stay like that!"  
  
Sirius nodded blankly and resumed staring at the ceiling.  
  
Meir Brin shook her head as Madam Pomfrey opened her mouth to speak again. "Just keep in mind that you're out of the Vambiolatos' reach now," she said. Turning back to Madam Pomfrey, she lowered her voice. "How long do you think it will take before we can get the fanwriters and PPC agents back on their feet?"  
  
"Oh, I expect they'll be back around by tomorrow. Agents Krystannya Lamere and Ella Darcy have stopped having those hallucinations about winged broccoli sticks, so they're well on their way to getting better. Oh, no, get out, you!"  
  
Remus Lupin had entered the Hospital Wing. At Madam Pomfrey's shout, he stopped like a deer in the headlights, and thrust a bag behind his back quickly.  
  
"What have you got there, Professor?" asked Madam Pomfrey, bearing down on him like a sabretooth tiger.  
  
"N-nothing..." said Lupin, failing to look innocent.  
  
"Are you trying to give Mr. Black chocolate again?"  
  
"It's a cure-all, honestly!" cried Remus Lupin as Madam Pomfrey pushed him out of the ward by the small of his back. She returned in a huff, dusting off her hands.  
  
"It's not like I haven't told him that that will only aggravate his condition..." muttered the nurse under her breath. "Cure-all, indeed! Not when you've just been resurrected..."  
  
Meir Brin covered a grin, and then took a look at her watch. "I'll be back this evening to check on them all again. Wouldn't want them to miss the... festivities..."  
  
Madam Pomfrey chuckled, causing Venya Smith and Mercuria to start in their sleep. With a wave to St. Mugalos and Phomphery the Mini-Aragogs, Meir Brin strode out of the Hospital Wing, making for the Great Hall.  
  
On the other side of the barb-wired Canon Character infirmary, a very downcast Sirius Black stared at the ceiling, contemplating death.  
  
*********  
  
Ally had a hard time getting used to life at HFA now that she was very well known. It was becoming common practice for a Canon Character or PPC Agent to stop her in the hallway and shake her hand, and Ally honestly didn't know why. When she thought about the Battle of the Canon (and she did think about it a lot), Ally couldn't remember doing anything particularly noble that would earn her this sort of... gratitude.  
  
HFA was full of gratitude these days. The Mini-Aragogs had stopped chasing the fanwriters around like hounds after rabbits, and had instead turned to hugging them on sight (which, if anything could be said, was in fact worse than being tackled or yo-yoed. There is nothing like a large, furry spider jumping on your head and squeezing with all its might, whispering "Thankeeses! Thankeeses!" Alex had fainted from lack of air in that manner just yesterday).  
  
Also, the Canon Characters didn't seem to be eying the fanwriters like some miserable plague, but instead as allies of a sort. This didn't stop Draco from barricading himself in his room to stop a stampede of glomping enthusiasts, but in many ways it was the thought that counted.  
  
Ally passed a crowd of PPC agents on her way to the assembly in the Great Hall. In a fit of thankfulness Meir Brin had invited all participants in the Battle of the Canon to stay at HFA for the whole week, or at least as long as their jobs would allow. And, well, in a week...  
  
Ally's throat burned strangely as she sat down at the Canonlaw table. In a week they would be leaving HFA. For good. Ally wondered why she felt so much like crying, when she would be able to see her friends and family again. But looking up and down the Canonlaw House table, over to the Slashering group, the Lusterbuff horde, and the Wantingmor battalion, it felt as if she had a family here as well.  
  
"Settle down, please," said Albus Dumbledore, standing at the head table and clinking his glass for silence. "I am at a complete and utter loss of what to say to you this afternoon," said Dumbledore. "Therefore, I think it in our best interests to eat first, in hope that that might loosen my tongue."  
  
*Good old Dumbledore,* thought Ally, spooning potatoes onto her plate. A sudden pounding of feet made her look up, and Europa took her seat beside her, looking out of breath.  
  
"I can't believe Madam Pomfrey chased me out of the Hospital Wing! I just wanted to give Sirius these flowers," she said, slamming a bouquet of daisies onto the table.  
  
"She let me drop off my card," said Catherine Dark Wolf. "You didn't try to give it to him personally, did you?"  
  
"Yes I did, why?"  
  
"He's not seeing visitors. Agent Thorntree told me after she got out," said Catherine Dark Wolf.  
  
"Then they did get the horns removed? That's good," said Europa, starting on a large tureen of steamed vegetables. For the first time in the history of HFA mealtimes, there was no Tantaflaf in sight. Ally felt that this must be a small victory of some sort.  
  
A little while later the food cleaned itself up and the fanwriters stared at the head table, looking to see what would be happening next. Exams were over, and most of the student body was curious to see if anyone had passed.  
  
"You have all passed!" said Albus Dumbledore, clearing up that little mystery. "Licenses will be available for pick-up at the end of term picnic, but in the meantime HFA sees fit to give certain people their just deserts."  
  
Ally gulped, more out of habit than fear.  
  
"First, to all PPC agents who have aided HFA in our time of great need, we of the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy gift you with these," said Dumbledore. He opened a case that he had kept on the table, to reveal a solid bronze Selaria fork, engraved with loopy writing that read "Overworked, Underpaid, Very Much Appreciated". There was a loud chorus of "Ooo!" and "Aah!" from the peanut gallery (Lusterbuff table, seats five through twenty on the left).  
  
"And to the wonderful delegations from Middle-earth, Jossverse, and the world of Chrono Trigger, Orfalda the Basilisk is very happy to gift you with these statues, part of her latest collection: 'Sues in Stone'."  
  
Tom Riddle wheeled out a trolley on which three Petrified Vambiolatos stood in various degrees of horror.  
  
Miss Cam, Miss H, and Miss Cerberus inclined their heads politely while the Mini-Aragogs hissed in approval.  
  
"And to the fanwriters..." began Dumbledore, turning his blue eyes on the group of students closest to the head table. "We were not sure what to gift you with, and no, we will not sacrifice young Mr. Malfoy to your 'cause'. As well as exempting you all from tomorrow's Mini-Aragog Paintball League game buffer-duties, we have decided to submit to one of your favorite pastimes that you so love to write about us partaking in"  
  
"Harry and Sevvie are getting together?" asked a hopeful Slashering.  
  
"Can we hug you?" asked Mirild Sket. Most of the school looked at her, as she appeared to be addressing Dumbledore. "I-I mean hug our favorites, like Oliver?"  
  
"Book Six is coming out early?" cried an ecstatic Aranel.  
  
Dumbledore shook his head, but didn't seem perturbed by the outbursts. "I am speaking of the 'Veracity or Stunt' game."  
  
Meir Brin stood up and whispered something to Dumbledore.  
  
"That is, the 'Truth or Dare' game," he said. "The Goblet of Fire will be set up in the Entrance Hall, and you may submit... ideas. If they pass a panel of judges and are found to be appropriate and non-demeaning, then perhaps we will consider holding such a thing at Friday's Farewell Picnic."  
  
A roar went off in the fanwriter crowd, and Ally couldn't agree more that this was the best reward that any fanwriter could be given. Of course, she suspected that the judges would probably weed out all the fun ones, but she wasn't in the mood to complain.  
  
It was a shame that the Canon Characters were making her more and more sad about leaving HFA. As she passed by Hagrid and Madame Maxime (and the five- foot pile of rubble) in the Entrance Hall, Ally was beginning to positively dread the end of the week.  
  
"It could have been worse," said Professor McGonagall to a downcast Professor Snape, as the two Canon Characters walked past Ally on their way to Aerobics Lair.  
  
"I fail to see how this could possibly get any more worse than it already is," said the Potions master gloomily.  
  
"They could have demanded 'Spin the Bottle'." 


	47. The MAPLE Final and an Unforeseen Victor...

The Quidditch pitch was alive with chattering, giggly fanwriters when Ally took her seat on one of the lower benches. Ever since the previous day's announcement of the 'Truth or Dare' reward, the whole student populace had been discussing what they wanted to dare the Canon Characters to do. Hermione8meg was going on incessantly about skinny-dipping, but knowing that just about anything involving too much skin or too much physical contact would be nixed by the staff, Ally doubted that such a thing would come to pass.  
  
"Welcome, to the Mini-Aragog Paintball League- Extreme Final match of the season!" boomed Lee Jordan across the field. "We've had a long year, and some creative substitutes for the actual matches, but HFA is proud to present-- HARRY POTTER!!"  
  
Harry Potter and five Mini-Aragogs ran onto the field, all wearing (or dyed) a violent shade of "death-to-the-retinas" red.  
  
"And his greatest foe, in bookverse, movieverse, or HFA-- LORD... YOU-KNOW- WHO!!" finished Ludo Bagman, failing to get out the Dark Lord's name. Lord Voldemort ran onto the field, dressed in a greenish turquoise and accompanied by Tom Riddle, LVJ, and his five Mini-Aragogs.  
  
As the ten spiders squared off at each other with their paintball cannons fixed firmly onto their backs (loaded with the last of HFA's seemingly endless supply of Tantaflaf), Ally realized that Mini-Aragog paintball wasn't that bad if you weren't on buffer-duty. Or set to go on buffer- duty. Or aware that you might be put on buffer-duty.  
  
"And there they go, Hary, Garrt, Harr, Hurry, and Hayree, ready to do business to the Lord... Thingy... team, of Voldermort, Voldemord, Vuldemort, Voldemart, and Voldermolt!" announced Lee Jordan. "And here comes our referee, who volunteered for this treacherous duty all by herself- - Dolores Umbridge!"  
  
A herd of centaurs standing around the edge of the field pitched Umbridge onto the field. Her bulging eyes were snapping with fury, but Bane swished his tail and Umbridge stomped off onto the middle of the pitch to take her place. Overhead, Elessor, Giligad, and Leoglas the mini-Balrogs winged their way around the stadium.  
  
"And they begin! Here's Voldermort and Vuldemort taking a quick offensive, erg! I wouldn't have wanted to've been Garrt just then, oh, but Potter's name-mistakes are retaliating, look at that Tantaflaf fly! Voldemart's taken a hit to the head! Or is that his body? Does anyone really *know*?"  
  
Ally laughed as Hurry paused from his chase to lob a ball of Tantaflaf at Professor Umbridge. It seemed that in the past three days Umbridge had taken her place with Peter Pettigrew in the "Most Despised Characters of Potterverse" list.  
  
"And Hayree's off again, going for Voldermolt, but look at that! Look at that! He's been triple-hit by Voldermort! Now, Voldermort's a very powerful Mini-Aragog, you see him in a lot of stories, and I mean a *lot*. Right up there with Hermoine, but- Oh, this is new... Vuldemort's gone and latched himself on Harr's back, he's spinning a web, and-- I don't believe it! He's yo-yoing Harr back and forth across the pitch! What a low blow! What a come-down!" said Lee Jordan, his voice filled with disappointment.  
  
On the Voldemort sidelines, the senior Dark Lord cackled fiendishly, performing his trademark 'Happy Dance' while Tom Riddle sulked nearby. Harry Potter was waving furiously to Garrt and Hayree to rescue their comrade, but both were indisposed with Voldermolt and Voldemord, respectively.  
  
"The hit-tally is going up! Remember folks, once they hit one hundred the match is over, here's eighty-four, eighty-five... If Harry Potter doesn't hurry up Lord... Thingy... is going to have him, come on, Harry..." chanted Bagman.  
  
In a burst of eight spidery legs, Harr threw off Vuldemort's bindings and leapt at the turquoise spider. There was a brief tussle, and Harr bolted down the field, Vuldemort right behind him ("at his heels" would be the best way to describe it, but considering the anatomy of Mini-Aragogs...).  
  
"Oh, here's Hary, Hurry, and Garrt going in with a Hawkshead Attack formation, we've seen that before, haven't we? Look at that, Voldemord's blown away, the hit-tally's rising! Potter's got up to seventy! But will You-Know-Who beat him to one hundred? He's at ninety-four, Lord... Thingy... is!" Lee Jordan exclaimed.  
  
Never before had the Mini-Aragogs fought so viciously. Usually the time limit of one hour ended the game, but with Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort the point cut-off might just be the deciding factor. Ally didn't know how one could go from just fighting a battle with fanfiction renegades to paintball games, but it occurred to her that the spiders might have a lot of pent-up rage after their tenure in Bob-the-Builder-verse.  
  
"I don't think Potter's going to pull out of this one, but, oh!! Wicked repeated splat! Voldermolt's down for the game! Watch out, Umbridge, I wouldn't go near him when he's hurt like that... oh, too late-- Neck and neck, You-Know-Who's up to ninety-seven, but Potter's got ninety-one... Come on, Harry Potter!" urged Lee Jordan.  
  
Lucius Malfoy leaned over and said quite clearly into the megaphone, "You're not to be taking sides, boy." After a pause he said, "Go, Master!"  
  
Then the stadium erupted in a roar of disappointment, glee, or enthusiasm, depending upon which Canon Character one was supporting. Some of the fanwriters around Ally sighed, others laughed happily. A brass cup made of Selaria was carried out onto the field, where it was eagerly claimed by the winning Mini-Aragogs.  
  
And Lord Voldemort, Tom Riddle, and LVJ had permanent grins on their faces for the rest of the school year.  
  
*********  
  
"Well, I guess you can't win them all," consoled Hermione, passing Harry a bottle of butterbeer. "It was a good game, though."  
  
"Yes, very exciting, did you see when Voldermolt hit Umbridge? Ha! That was the best," said Ron Weasley. The Whinging Scab was packed to full capacity, with bottles and bottles of butterbeer and other beverages stacked on top of each other on every table.  
  
Harry shrugged, patting Hayree on the head. "I'd rather loose at this than in the story," said the youngest Potter. Ever since his release from the Canon Bunker Harry had been downcast and a bit apathetic. But then again, no one could really blame him.  
  
"'Dare Oliver Wood to go skinny-dipping with his favorite fan, Hermione8meg'," read Salsa, picking the piece of paper out of the Goblet of Fire.  
  
"Denied," said Shadowphyre.  
  
"Next," said Klose.  
  
"'Truth: is Sevvie in 'luv' with anyone?'" read Salsa.  
  
"Passable," said Shadowphyre. "Put it near the back for the use of the word 'luv'. And I had so thought we had stamped that out of them," she said, shaking her head sadly.  
  
"What've you got there, Meir?" asked Klose as Meir Brin bit the end of her quill, staring at a piece of parchment.  
  
"List of possible ECGs," she said, scratching off a name and scribbling in something above it. "Do you think twenty will be enough?"  
  
"Should be. We won't have a Canon shift coming up," replied Klose thoughtfully. "Have anyone in mind for the head?"  
  
"Yes," said Meir Brin. "I think I've narrowed it down sufficiently." She took a swig of butterbeer and went back to her list, boots propped up on one of the small circular tables.  
  
Salsa sputtered and turned white. "'We want to see Remus shirtless'. It's signed by the whole of Lusterbuff house. Oh, and here's one for Draco, too... Black leather?"  
  
"The Elves in Black must have given them that idea. Tried to convert Dobby to the cause as well, from what I hear. He was overjoyed, but the rest of the House-elves... Well, you know how they feel about clothing," said Shadowphyre. "Better go ask Lucius about it before we say anything definite."  
  
Salsa nodded, still shaking her head. The Goblet of Fire spit out another small strip of parchment. "'Dare Ron to...'" Salsa gulped. "For the sake of my sanity, that's out. Oh, flaming fangirls... Is that.? Filch...?"  
  
Argus Filch walked into the bar. The Ironic Over-power woke up and grinned down at the thunderstruck denizens of HFA. Klose sputtered and choked on her drink, while Fred and George simultaneously ducked under a table. Meir Brin, balanced on the back legs of her chair, looked up and promptly fell over backwards in shock.  
  
"What's the big fuss?" snarled Filch, cracking the whip in his hand. A snide look of satisfaction crossed his unshaven face. He smirked. "You think I'm sexy..." he said, displaying crooked teeth.  
  
Nothing could have been farther from the truth.  
  
With one hand over her eyes, Hermione Granger stood up slowly and took Filch's arm, leading him away from the gathering. "It's not that we don't *like* you, Mr. Filch," she began tentatively. "It's just that... some people should not *wear* black leather..." 


	48. Saying Farewell to HFA

The Hogwarts lawn looked like a patchwork quilt with all of the blankets that had been spread on the ground. Plates of sandwiches and pitchers of pumpkin juice stood on small Untippable Tables (something that had been set up for Tonks' benefit), and the air hummed with the voices of the many fanwriters and Canon Characters enjoying lunch.  
  
"Truth, for Professor Snape," said Klose, picking up a piece of parchment from a sizable stack. The fanwriters huddled around the pavilion giggled and stared eagerly up at the Potions master, who appeared to have choked on his salad. "Are you a vampire?" finished Klose.  
  
Snape glowered at the fanwriters. "What makes you think that I am a vampire? Think you that such a thing would not be documented? Think you that *she* would not have forced my resignation if such a thing were true?" he asked indignantly, indicating Professor Umbridge.  
  
The fanwriters looked amused, then started whispering eagerly among themselves.  
  
"Truth, for Professor Moody," said Klose. Moody's magical eye swiveled so that he was looking at her out the side of his head while continuing to drink from his hip flask. "The Wantingmors want to know if you've ever used your eye for... other... purposes," finished Klose, blanching slightly.  
  
Moody growled, then dug his finger into his eye socket and popped out the electric blue eyeball ("Eeeww!" said Sallah). "Don't know what you mean by 'other purposes', but it's a good party trick," he said roughly. "If you mean about looking at women..." he paused and laughed heartily. Kristin and Danica Maupoissant shuddered and folded their arms over their chests.  
  
"Oh, here's one from Slashering House, for Professor Lupin," started Klose. Remus looked up mildly, eying the horde of Lusterbuffs sitting in front of him. "Do you love Sirius Black?" asked Klose, tossing the piece of paper into the pile of discarded questions.  
  
Remus thought about this, then said, "I love Sirius like a brother. He is one of my best friends."  
  
"Ooo, incest!" squealed an overexcited Slashering. Remuse and Loupen the Mini-Aragogs tackled her and drug her off into the Forbidden Forest.  
  
"Ah, here's a good dare," started Klose. "Canonlaw House dares Draco Malfoy to stay on a bucking broomstick for longer than ten minutes. Professor Quirrell, would you oblige us?"  
  
Meir Brin smiled as Draco climbed onto a broomstick that Madam Hooch had Summoned from the broom shed, then turned away from the spectacle as Quirrell started to perform the jinx that he had used in the first book. The picnickers seemed to be enjoying themselves, to say the least. A certain gloom hung over a blanket containing Sirius-fanciers, but other than that most of the fanwriters were enjoying the Truth or Dare game.  
  
"That's ten minutes," said Lucius Malfoy coldly as Draco flew down to the ground amidst great applause from the fanwriters and Slytherin Canon Characters.  
  
"Now, which one of you would like to be watched by Fread, he's a good Mini- Aragog, full of life, and especially good at rooting out the Textitus words in your stories," said Salsa, speaking like a true auctioneer. "Anyone, anyone? Very good, Miss Pritchard. Fread, you're all right with this? Ah, very good. Step over here to get the adoption papers..."  
  
Meir Brin passed by the Mini-Aragog Adoption Auction just in time to see Fread, a Mini-Aragog with reddish highlights in his black fur bound off of the podium and glomp Catrin Pritchard, whom he had just adopted. Nearby Mirild Sket kept whispering to Loopin, "Just hang on a bit longer, we'll be good friends, and you can have all the bouillabaisse you want..."  
  
"I had never expected that. I'm... flattered, I suppose, but I'd really rather not--"  
  
"Black leather?! You're joking, you've got to be joking, I won't, there's no way--"  
  
There was a loud "poof!", and Meir Brin turned to see an amused Dumbledore pointing his wand at Lupin and Draco, who were shirtless and clad in black leather, respectively. It seemed that all of the fanwriters had produced their Christmas towels and were now dealing with a copious amount of drool. Agents Polaris and Aria appeared interested as well.  
  
"I'm not late, am I?" asked an amused voice from the front steps. The fanwriters turned to see Sirius Black standing near the castle, alive and smiling mischievously. This also took the attention from Lupin long enough for him to borrow Professor Moody's travelling cloak and run off into the castle to hide.  
  
"Sirius!" cried Mystikalolo and Asteria simultaneously. The Sirius fans all jumped to their feet and formed a loose ring around their favorite, staring at him avidly.  
  
"What's it like being dead?" asked KazraGirl, bouncing slightly.  
  
"Don't say that, he's still alive here!" said Dimond. "Aren't you?"  
  
The Animagus' eyes flickered for a minute, then he laughed. "I was resurrected, so that would make me alive, I suppose."  
  
"You had better be alive," huffed Madam Pomfrey, bustling out of the castle. "After all the work it was to bring you back. Most people at least have a *body* to work with, even Mr. Crouch as a *bone* was easier than *you*..."  
  
"SIRIUS!!" screamed a frenzied Lusterbuff, catching sight of the tall dark- haired man. "SIRIUS, YOU"RE BACK!!" A crowd of fans got to their feet running toward him. Dimond and KazraGirl instantly turned to shield Sirius, while Asteria started to lecture the running horde about too much excitement for someone who had just been reanimated.  
  
"I do believe we've taught them well," said Meir Brin, coming to watch the fiasco. "Or at least some of them."  
  
"Indeed we have," said Sirius. With a small "pop!" he transformed into a dog and gamboled off for a run around the lake, fanwriters following happily behind him.  
  
*********  
  
Ally had never seen so many unhappy faces as she walked down the lane, past the winged boar statues, and down to the Hogsmeade platform. If she looked in the mirror, she expected that her own unhappy face would rank right up their with C-Chan's and Hermione8meg's. It seemed that no one was too keen to leave HFA.  
  
She had her Real World (as opposed to Fanficto-Reality) clothing on, and after a rigorous search by Mr. Crouch to guarantee that the fanwriters weren't stealing Hogwarts property (Newmoon had had a big row with him after Crouch had demanded that she give up the phoenix feather that Fawkes had given her; it was now stuck firmly in her rucksack with her fanfiction license), the fanwriters had been herded out of the castle and were now shivering in the chilly morning air.  
  
"Good-bye, everyone!" called Lily Potter. A group of Canon Characters including Hermione, Dobby, Hagrid, and Dumbledore had come to see them off.  
  
"Will we ever get to see you again?" asked Jocelyn.  
  
Professor Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Perhaps. Most of that will depend on you."  
  
Ally took her seat in one of the back compartments, staring out the window. She should be happy, she *ought* to be happy. She was going home, and she would see her family again...  
  
"It's not *fair*..." wailed Onyx. "I don't want to g-g-go..."  
  
"Me neither," said Redfire, sliding the door closed behind her. "I didn't even get to touch Draco," she said, sighing. "At least they let us keep our wands."  
  
Ally grinned wryly. "A shame they won't work once we get into the Real World."  
  
"Yeah, that's a shame. I so wanted to hex my little brother. God how I miss him," said Redfire.  
  
"Attention, attention!" said a voice over the loud speaker. "Miss Brin has asked me to remind you that once you return to your life, your memories will rejoin with the memories of the you that has been living in the Real World all this time."  
  
The confused silence that descended upon the train was interrupted only by the soft coughing of the Sevvie's Angels. As a farewell gift Snape had jinxed all of his fangirls with a Coughing Spell.  
  
"You'll figure it out once you get home," said the voice, sounding a bit miffed.  
  
The train groaned as its wheels started to turn, taking the fanwriters away from HFA. Ally peered out the window, trying to see Hogwarts before it disappeared from view. The train rounded a bend, and Hogwarts, Hogsmeade, and the Canon Characters standing on the platform vanished from view.  
  
Suddenly Ally felt very sleepy, and her eyelids drooped despite her wish to stay awake. She wanted to cling to every last second she had at HFA, she didn't want it to end. The little voice of conflict in the back of her mind scolded her, saying that she should look forward to seeing her friends in Real Life. Was she betraying her real friends and family by wanting to stay at HFA?  
  
Then Ally couldn't fight the slumber any longer. She felt the compartment melt away as she closed her eyes, changing into a smooth flat plain. Ally was no longer sitting in a compartment on a moving train, she was being cradled in a warm blanket, lying on her back. Her short, thin fingers clung to the wand in her hand, cuddling it as a child would a teddy bear. The air became heavy and smelled of lilacs, and Ally felt as if she had just slipped into a warm, peaceful bath.  
  
An hour later the Hogwarts Express pulled back into the Hogsmeade station, completely devoid of fanwriters. 


	49. Splicing Memories and Unexpected Visitor...

When Ally woke up she was sitting on her own bed, thinking about the term paper that she had due the following week. Scratching her head blearily, she blinked. Hadn't she just... Where was... How did she get...  
  
It was the weirdest thing that Ally had ever felt. She could remember the past year quite clearly, going to the junior prom with Dan Smithson, just barely passing her SATs, even sitting at lunch with Macy, her best friend.  
  
But she could also remember the past year at HFA. She could remember getting Sorted, glomped, and the lessons on the world of Harry Potter. She could remember the great Battle of the Canon, and her sadness at having to leave.  
  
Her head was pounding as she walked downstairs. A covered dish was waiting on the stove, with a small note on it, saying that her mother had gone to work early, and that she had better go to school "or else". Uncovering the plate, Ally had a weird shock when she saw that her mother had left her eggs and not Tantaflaf.  
  
School passed without event, though Ally felt more and more as if she was simply a spectator, not really involved in her own life. In fact it was only when Macy (whom Ally really tried not to call "Redfire") cornered her at lunch that she first talked to someone in the Real World.  
  
"Been really quiet today, haven't ya, Ally," said the girl, sliding a lunch tray across the table with practiced ease. It is said by the author that there are two sorts of things that one learns at school --math, science, and learning stuff, and how to do stupid little things like opening milk cartons and cutting a fruit dish without getting splattered with mashed kumquat.  
  
"Err, yes. I suppose," said Ally, caught off guard.  
  
"Dan looked really good in gym class today, didn't he?" asked Macy, prodding Ally with the butt of her fork.  
  
"Dan?" asked Ally. "Oh, Dan. Right. Yeah."  
  
"You *are* out of it, Ally," said Macy. "Go bug the nurse, you can get out of English class. I know that's your worst subject."  
  
"It is?" asked Ally. Suddenly her memory jolted back into existence and she remembered getting a D+ in English for the past two years. Ally really didn't think that she felt that bad, physically. Just rather... confused.  
  
The next major shock Ally received was when her English teacher passed back an essay that she had apparently written just last week. Ally was overcome with an odd post-HFA case of nerves, especially when she saw that her first sentence happened to be "Shakespeare's storys is bout guys who love eachother and die cause of it".  
  
Ally was completely miserable when she drove home from school, resulting a minor catastrophe in which Ally forgot *how* to drive. It was rather like coming home to find that your sister, whom you had thought like yourself in every way imaginable, trashing your house and messing up your reputation.  
  
Popping some leftovers in the microwave (how Ally loved that device), she settled down at the computer, almost scared to see what she would find. There on her hard drive, winking at her like some Suvien spawn of Voldemort, were four stories. One concerned an Avatar (that now appeared to Ally as a flaming Vambiolato) falling in love with Harry Potter. Another was about Ron and Hermione doing some sort of soap opera with badly written Shakespearean prose. The last two were short hundred-word Point-of- View stories about Harry Potter and Sirius Black.  
  
"Those two couldses be salvageds," whispered a soft voice in her left ear. Ally spun quickly to see Harie, the Mini-Aragog that she had adopted (or rather been adopted by), leaning over her shoulder.  
  
"How did you get here?" asked Ally, feeling her heart sink slightly. Her parents wouldn't even let her have a goldfish when she was eight, how would they react to a large, vicious spider living in her room?  
  
"Harie has beenses with you all dayses," said Harie softly. With a click of his pincers he melted away into the back wall. Then Ally heard another click and the Mini-Aragog had appeared once again, this time perched on top of her computer.  
  
"Too weird." She paused; thinking about this, then came to the conclusion that even at HFA the Mini-Aragogs hadn't gone around teleporting. "Definitely too weird."  
  
"So, about these storieses..." started Harie, looking down at the computer. "Time for a rewrites, correctses?"  
  
Ally nodded, her fingers tapping the keys quickly as she revised her work. The Point-of-View fanfiction seemed to be a recent work, written just after "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". Then her memory jogged and she remembered writing it.  
  
"Harry felt cold, as if he would never feel happy again," said Ally aloud as she typed the words. "He didn't belong at Hogwarts, he belonged with Sirius. Harry didn't know where he was supposed to be, but anywhere would feel better than this cold, terrible ache. A piece of him had died with Sirius, the large, happy part. Now more than ever he wanted to go back... Go back..."  
  
"Oh, schist, Harie! I want to go back!" sobbed Ally suddenly. "I really, really want to go back..."  
  
*********  
  
Meir Brin concentrated on the little cards, then picked up the seven of clubs and placed it atop the eight of diamonds. It was hard to believe that only two weeks had passed since the fanwriters had left. HFA was incredibly quiet, except for the occasional loud bang when the Weasley twins wrought even more retribution on Professor Umbridge.  
  
Indeed, without the fanwriters to watch over, HFA had become positively boring (or as boring as anyplace with the denizens of Potterverse could be). Still, Meir Brin had accomplished something that she had been looking forward to all term. She had finally gotten around to obtaining magical powers (the paperwork still gave her nightmares) and had taken that Kwikspell course. And with a little help from the Catalog of Magical Powers she now had a wand. That would do for the present, until Meir Brin could save up for the Flaming Elemental Deluxe packet.  
  
"We have agreed with all of the appointees," said Professor Snape curtly, depositing a stack of parchment over the coordinator's game of Solitaire. "They will do for the Order of the Sphinx."  
  
"Is that what we're calling it now? And I had so grown attached to ECG."  
  
"Which is?"  
  
"'Emergency Canon Guard'."  
  
"I see," finished the Potions master, sweeping away in his trademark black robes. Snape was still getting used to having a tortured childhood, yet as the Canon Update's notion of this had been considerably vague, even Snape wasn't sure about how traumatized he was.  
  
"I had best get this over with, then," said Meir Brin, looking over at Lockheart and Elessor. The two Minis nodded, then went back to playing "Diamond Web Round", a Mini-Aragog game similar to "Cat's Cradle".  
  
"First on our list... Ah, Miss White."  
  
Minutes later Meir Brin was striding out of a fireplace in a small suburban house in western Oregon courtesy of Foo Powder. There was a family sitting there, watching television. A few choice spells and the room had ceased to move, except for the fanwriter sitting with her nails dug into the arm of a sofa at the far end of the room.  
  
"W-what is it?" sputtered the girl, and Meir Brin could just identify the mingling of hope, fear, and fear that one's hope will end in fear.  
  
"This is the residence of one Ally White?" asked Meir Brin mildly, happily twirling her wand between long fingers (she had long since discovered how much fun it was to do that). A few sparks shot out, singing the edge of her "Kwikspell Magic Worked for Me" T-shirt.  
  
"Yes, I'm Ally White," said the fanwriter, looking slightly faint. "I'm not hallucinating, am I? Because I did that, two days ago. I thought that my Chem teacher was Professor McGonagall, and it was... unpleasant."  
  
"No, I assure you that this is real. I'm here with a job offer."  
  
"A what?!" sputtered Ally, looking stunned.  
  
"Job offer. HFA's recruiting for the newly created Order of the Sphinx. After what happened four weeks ago we're looking to create a guard of sorts, to protect our Canon."  
  
"This involves me, somehow?"  
  
"Yep. We want you to lead it."  
  
"You're joking."  
  
"Really? News to me."  
  
"You can't be serious," said Ally, jumping to her feet as if she had just stuck her finger in an electric socket.  
  
"I now have the opportunity to make a very bad Sirius pun, but I will refrain. I *am* saying that HFA would like you to head the new Order, though," said Meir Brin calmly, still twirling her wand.  
  
Ally cast her eyes to the floor and looked depressed. "I can't, though. I really shouldn't, it's not right, it's not right that I should leave my family again. I mean, they are my family."  
  
Meir Brin looked at her amusedly, and then tossed her a necklace that seemed to have a gold galleon as its main piece. "That's a deus ex machina that we picked up from one of the Vambiolatos; Arthur Weasley was most helpful in modifying it. Now it's a sort of portkey. If we need you, you'll be transported directly to HFA and costumed for battle. Lovely things, deus ex machinas."  
  
She turned to go, but Ally then piped up with something that seemed to have been on the fanwriter's mind for a while. "Why are you picking me?" she asked. "I'm really not that great, and if it hadn't been for that Switch thingy I wouldn't have been any good at the Battle of the Canon. It was really luck, then, wasn't it? And shouldn't you not be made a leader based on luck?"  
  
Meir Brin sighed and rubbed her temples. "I don't know what to say to that; I'm not Dumbledore and I won't pretend to be. When you speak of luck, you speak of a chance. You took the Switch and took that chance. And you succeeded. If luck presents an opportunity and you succeed, don't shortchange yourself for that just because of the nature of the opportunity." She grinned awkwardly. "That was pretty good, wasn't it? I must write that down..."  
  
Ally appeared pensive, then without hesitation slipped the necklace over her head, starting as the sickening feeling of the deus ex machina settled in. "Will it always feel so weird?" asked she, indicating the necklace.  
  
"No, Mr. Weasley tells me that will wear off after a while. I will probably be seeing you soon," said Meir Brin, stepping back to the grate. "I have the rest of your Order to recruit."  
  
Ally sat back down on the sofa as her family started to move once again. She felt the coin slide into place at the base of her neck, then jumped to her feet. "Oh, schist, I forgot to say 'thank you'!" 


	50. Epilogue: Concerning the Denizens of HFA

The wonderfully green lawn of Hogwarts was thick and springy under the booted feet of Meir Brin, HFA coordinator, and Ally White, leader of the Order of the Sphinx. Summer had just begun, and without the students HFA had become the perfect place for the none-too-serious Canon Character.  
  
"It's perfect!" babbled LVJ happily, shaking the shrunken head. The rattle's beads (dried brains) clacked pleasantly against the shell.  
  
"Aww... Innee cute?" asked Lord Voldemort Sr. "Good work, Bellatrix. You can be LVJ's new babysitter!"  
  
Bellatrix sniffed, trying to look as if she had just been given the greatest gift in the world. Next to her Wormtail scuffed his foot in the dirt. "Oh, I wanted to be LVJ's babysitter..." sulked Pettigrew.  
  
Ally White tried to fight the momentary urge to run. It was one thing to be appointed to a staff position, but it was another matter entirely to stop thinking like she was being hunted. The former Canonlaw smiled as she fingered the black and gold trim of her new uniform. Madam Maulkin had outdone herself in creating the uniforms for the Order of the Sphinx, in Ally's opinion. There were twenty in the new group running around HFA, fortifying the weaker points with luster-repellent and anti-fangirl charms.  
  
"Keep your eyes closed, Sirius, and don't peek!" said Lily firmly, as Sirius shifted anxiously, hands over his eyes. "Is it ready?" asked Mrs. Potter.  
  
"All fixed up," rumbled Hagrid happily. "Open yer eyes, Sirius."  
  
"My motorbike!" exclaimed the ex-convict. "Where did- Oh, you shouldn't have..." Sirius trailed off as he went to run his hands over the streamlined vehicle. "I'll be able to fly again, that's wonderful..."  
  
"What's that over there?" asked Harry suddenly. "Gray-blue blur..."  
  
"BEAKY NO!!" roared Hagrid.  
  
In a flash of fur and feathers Buckbeak flew over to the new motorcycle, and started flapping at it aggressively. Sirius was looking rather stunned, while Hagrid tried to restrain the crazed hippogriff. "What's he- " began James, but Buckbeak was already clawing at the leather vehicle.  
  
"I think he's jealous..." said Lily, amused.  
  
"Perhaps we should put some Unbreakable Charms on the bike before his claws set in," suggested Harry.  
  
"Yeah..." said James, still stunned by Buckbeak's ferocity towards the inanimate object.  
  
Meir Brin passed by the lake, where a steady stream of bubbles was rising from the murky depths. A thread that Drakko the Mini-Aragog had wound around his leg trailed off down the bank and into the water, bobbing gently. Suddenly there was a pull at the cord, and Drakko heaved back, while Drayco and Milfoy helped him pull. A great hairy lump rose out of the water, surrounded by a translucent bubble.  
  
"Gots its," sputtered Drcao, shaking his fur dry. The Bubble-head Charm disappeared and the large spider tossed a Galleon at the Mini-Aragogs. "Never knewingses that scuba-divingses could be this much funses," whispered the Mini-Aragog. "Who's nextses?"  
  
The name-mistakes jostled each other, each trying to go first. For their own safety Fleur Delacour had insisted that only one of the Mini-Aragogs go diving at a time, as she had grown very fond of the small spiders during her stay at HFA. Sitting next to her on the grass Bill Weasley chuckled and patted Weazly as Mafoy the Mini-Aragog won the fight and descended into the water.  
  
It was hard to believe that only a little while ago HFA had been crawling with Mary Sues, Evil Avatars, and Slash demons. Meir Brin doubted that she would ever see anything like *that* again, mentioning the Ironic Over-power in her train of thought just to be safe. One never knew when that Ironic Over-power would strike again.  
  
"My visions have been unclear as of late," said Trelawney mystically. "I feel the foreboding of great doom, great doom for all."  
  
"Oh, give it a rest, Sybill," said McGonagall. "Perhaps we would give your 'prophecies' more credence if you actually took more time thinking up good ones. You've been using the 'impending doom' prediction for the past ten years."  
  
"Do not speak ill of the Inner Eye! For it is great and strange and powerful..." said Trelawney, trailing off into a whisper.  
  
"Yes, and I'm a duck," said Professor Sprout jokingly.  
  
Trelawney chuckled amusedly, and with a wave of her wand turned Sprout into a fluffy mallard. McGonagall looked at her, raising an eyebrow as she scooped Professor Duck Sprout up off of the ground.  
  
"A nice bit of Transfiguration, Sybill," she commented. Sprout quacked in protest.  
  
Yes, the Canon Characters seemed to be getting on better without the fanwriters getting in the way, thought Meir Brin. Then a glint of black and silver caught her eye, and she saw a few members of the Order of the Sphinx run by, carrying duct tape and masking tape. Ally White followed after them, her uniform trimmed in gold. A few minutes later they returned, carrying a Vambiolato bound up in tape and Mini-Aragog thread.  
  
Well, fanwriters did have their uses, acquiesced Meir Brin. She had to admit that HFA would have been doomed without them, but even that was rather painful to swallow. OFUM, Meir Brin's previous place of employment, had very different views about fanwriters. But then again most of that continuum's fanwriters tended to be fangirls, and that was a different matter entirely. Many continuums dealt with that. In fact, nearly *all* fandoms were plagued with shallow writing.  
  
And yet at HFA... The Fanfiction world overflowed with Mary Sues and lusting fangirls, but there was a heart here that Meir Brin had never really felt before. But she had seen it. She had seen it at the Battle of the Canon. And it only went to prove her wrong: fanwriters may have their weaknesses, but they love their fandom. It was noble, in a hormone-induced sort of way.  
  
There was a great whizzing noise and several firecrackers went off, exploding in a big shower of multi-colored sparks over the Hogwarts Lake. On the far bank Fred and George Weasley could be seen, lighting the fireworks with great gusto.  
  
"Well, there's another Miss Natalie something-or-other that won't be bothering us," said Ally White, dusting off her hands.  
  
"Oh?" asked Meir Brin.  
  
"We tossed Miss Pretty out of HFA. She had the most unusual hair, though. Rainbow colors. Makes very pretty fireworks," said Ally, grinning.  
  
Meir Brin looked back at the fuchsia and cerulean burst of light falling toward the lake and shook her head. "Sometimes I think we've corrupted you all," she said wryly.  
  
Ally smiled, and watched a red firework do loop-the-loops in the afternoon sky. She was more content than she had ever been. It seemed that in her mind she had been given the best of two worlds: she could see her family and friends and live a normal life, and she could be immersed in the magic of HFA at the same time.  
  
"So..." began Ally, looking at Meir Brin. "We've had stampedes, spider weddings, evil punctuation, and Canon crashes; what's going to happen next year?"  
  
Meir Brin appeared mildly amused. "There'll be... something... to tend to, fanwriters to educate," she cast a quick glance at Lee Jordan and Neville Longbottom, who were covertly setting fire to Professor Umbridge, "Canon Characters to keep an eye on, and probably a bunch of new catastrophes. Nothing too out of the ordinary."  
  
As Ally lay back into the thick, comforting grass, she smiled. Nothing too out of the ordinary... for the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy.  
  
The End.  
  
*********  
  
Author's Notes: Thus concludes the story; I hope that you have all enjoyed it. I will now thank every single person who reviewed, sent me Mini- Aragogs, or suggested ideas for this story. You are most appreciated.  
  
Special thanks, however, goes to all of the fanwriters who became students at HFA, I hope I haven't offended you all too much, to the PPC, who are a light amid the shadow of bad fanfiction, and of course to Miss Cam of OFUM, without whom this story would not be.  
  
Mini-Aragogs will be available for adoption soon, very soon, once I get my website up and running. If you wish to adopt a Mini-Aragog, leave your email address in a review and I will inform you when the Great List of Mini- Aragogs had been posted.  
  
Those who leave their email addresses will also receive notification whenever another thing comes to pass. I am speaking, of course, of a sequel to this fanfiction.  
  
Yes, I do intend to write a sequel, after a long break in which I organize my thoughts and hammer out the plotbunny into a coherent story. You'll have to be patient, though, because this probably won't come to pass until September or October (2003).  
  
Have a good summer, and I hope you've enjoyed reading this fanfiction as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Remember, if you would like to be on the newly created HFA mailing list, tell me and I'll put you down for updates on Mini-Aragog adoption and the new HFA when it begins.  
  
Meir Brin 


End file.
